


My Other Car is a Gilded Carriage: Alex Vs the School for Good

by pumpkinpaperweight



Category: The School for Good and Evil - Soman Chainani
Genre: F/M, M/M, Next Gen, and soman can take his "no labels in the endless woods" away bc this is Gay, i know everyone hates next gen but im tryna make this good honest, this gets better as it goes on honestly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-01 04:33:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 64,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13990551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pumpkinpaperweight/pseuds/pumpkinpaperweight
Summary: Alex, believe it or not, is aware she has famous parents. Thanks...But now, the wishes-she-didn't-have-to-be-a-Princess of Camelot thinks she probably has bigger problems than being the oldest kid of the biggest power couple in the Endless Woods since Belle and the Beast.And they all come in the form of a little place called The School for Good.Maybe you've heard of it?





	1. Alex Sure Can Tell You A Story (It Might Be Rubbish, Though)

"Hey, Alex, can you tell us a story?"

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon for Camelot's royal family, and Alex looked over at her little sister, tapping her pencil on her leg.

"What, like a fairy tale?"

"Yeah, but a funny one!" beamed Rosalind. "Please?" she added, widening her big blue eyes.

Alex, ever happy to oblige her siblings even when they weren't trying to coerce her, beamed and flung her arms wide, accidentally throwing her pencil into the (thankfully unlit) fireplace as she did so.

"Oh, bugger. Oh well. As you wish, Princess!"

She even had Marcus's attention now, and he had closed his book- a rarity, so Alex supposed she better make this good. He glanced at his twin sister, who was staring expectantly at Alex and sat up a little.

Alex cleared her throat loudly.

"Once upon a time… there was a beautiful princess. She had everything she could ever want in life, but as a consequence, she was very vain, and mean, and...uh…"

Alex scratched her head.

"I can't think of another word… but she was pretty bad. Anyway, one day, this princess marched into her parent's throne room and demanded that they find her a suitable prince to marry, because this girl is obviously into the ancient -and, frankly, stupid- Ever tradition of arranged marriages that fall apart in six months. And because her parents were stupid pushovers, they were like "anything for you, sweetie!" and put out a request for the kingdom's eligible bachelors. But because 99% of the eligible bachelors weren't stupid, they were like… uh, no, and went and did sensible things to find love, like trying to put ransoms on the head of the girl they like, and starting wars, and kissing said girl's best friend, and-"

"Alright, Alex, I get it." Sighed Tedros of Camelot from his desk by the window. The twins exchanged gleeful glances. Alex threw them a theatrical wink before turning to her father in mock confusion.   
"What? I don't have a clue what you're talking about, Dad." Alex tutted at him in the manner of a disapproving mother hen. "Not everything is about you, you know!"

Agatha, sat beside him with her own stack of papers, laughed. Tedros looked betrayed.

"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted…" Continued Alex, turning back towards her official audience. "Most of the eligible bachelors went and got into stable relationships, but the 1% who didn't have an impromptu wedding were like "Hey! We could marry a princess!" and showed up at the castle. The princess picked her husband-to-be from the line-up- it just happened to be that the bloke she picked was only there for the free food. He got selected and went aw, shi-"

"Alex!"

"Sorry, sorry! Uh, he said oh no! … but it was too late. He had to marry her."

"He didn't have a choice? What about free will?" demanded Marcus. "Are the King and Queen the democratically elected leaders of this place?"

"No, little brother, no they are not. Much like mum and dad, they are benevolent dictators. Unlike mum and dad, they never bother asking the people what they want, so it's hardly benevolent. Also, you are ten, how do you know what a democratically elected leader is?"

Marcus shrugged.

"Um… what kingdom is this? Who are the King and Queen?" asked Rosalind.

"All characters, events, and locations in this publication, other than those clearly in the public domain, are fictitious, and any resemblance to real people living or dead, is purely coincidental." Said Alex. "Honestly, Rosalind, what a silly suggestion, as if I'd base any of my characters off the Rainbow Gale royal family."

Rosalind giggled. Agatha rolled her eyes.

"The princess was ecstatic that she finally got the man of her dreams. The man of her dreams was less pleased. You could probably describe the look on his face at the announcement of his reluctant engagement as duly horrified. The princess wasn't happy about her future husband's reluctance. In fact, she flew into a murderous rage."

Rosalind frowned.

"Aren't princesses supposed to be nice? And selfless? And not fly into murderous rages?"

"Oh, sweet child…" sighed Alex. "Not every princess can be as pure and kind as you... but you must understand, she was still very much royalty. Everyone knew from the moment she was born that she was destined to be a princess, not only because she had, like, really good stage presence, but also because she was the daughter of a King."

Tedros and Agatha both snorted at the same time. Alex smothered a grin.

"However, she did not possess the classic princess traits, most likely because she was just a dreadful person. Conspiracies abound in this kingdom, claiming she was actually a Never. I don't know if they were true because I am making this up as I go… but, y'know, the Rip-Off Royal Rot polls said that 87% percent of the population reckoned she was a Never, and the Rip-Off Royal Rot was an incredibly reliable paper."

"Sorry, Alex, this is just getting a bit too unrealistic." Sighed Agatha. "Tone it down a notch."

Alex grinned.

"This is fictitious, remember, Mom? I should be allowed a bit of creative freedom. Anyway, the Princess's rage was so strong that her to-be husband fled the kingdom, her useless parents in a gilded carriage right behind him. Unfortunately, the gilded carriage was crap, because it was sold to them by some shady bloke who told them it was indestructible. It was not. The wheels fell off, it skidded thirty feet, crashed into a ditch, and both of the parents got violently…"

She caught her father's arched brows.

"-chucked into a smelly pond! Because I was going to kill them off, then remembered you're both ten and this should stay as PG as possible. Um… they lost their stupid fancy crowns in the mud and their fine robes got covered in slime. They then squelched all the way to the next kingdom, covered in pondweed. Serves them right, too. Unfortunately, the Princess named herself Queen and became a tyrant, and suddenly people began calling her parent's reign a golden age, conveniently forgetting it was really rubbish. This will no doubt what mum and dad's reign will be called when one of us inherits the throne with no clue what we're doing because Dad went and got himself killed trying to fight a harpy or something."

Tedros frowned at her. Agatha laughed.

"Uh… the tyrant's rage was ended when a weirdly skilled villager with like twenty different weapons showed up ten months late with Moondoes coffee. She killed the Queen, assumed the throne, and everyone lived happily ever after."

"What happened to the Prince?" asked Tedros.

"He got eaten by a bear."

"How about the King and Queen?" asked Rosalind.

"They got eaten by bears, too."

"What happened to "PG"?" demanded Agatha.

"Bears burned its house down."

"Why so many bears?" challenged Marcus. Alex flung out her arms.

"The kingdom had a bear problem, okay? They're working on it, it's on their to-do list!"

"But-"

"That's it, no more questions. The End! Round of applause, please!

Her siblings clapped for her, giggling.

"Thank you! I'm here for the rest of the week."

"Aren't you here all the time?" pointed out Agatha.

Alex's smile faded, and she twisted her fingers together. She knew she was going to have to tell them at some point, but even so, her stomach was clenching uncomfortably. She took a breath.

"Yeah… about that."

Her family turned to look at her.

Alex bounced her leg nervously.

"Um… I kind of… got accepted to the School for Good."


	2. Alpaca Kneesocks, And Why Tedros Did, In Fact, Need An Umbrella At School

"D'you think you'll need an umbrella?" asked Tedros.

"No." sighed Alex, stuffing her hands into her breeches pockets.

"Why not?"

"Dad, did you ever see it rain at the School for Good?" grumbled Alex, hands coming up to fiddle with the laces on her shirt.

"Yes!" Tedros pointed the umbrella at her. "When Sophie-"

"That doesn't count!" Alex waved a hand dismissively. "I know I won't care about an umbrella if I'm running for my life from a murderous witch! It doesn't naturally rain, I'm pretty sure. If anything, I'll need suncream!"

"Fair enough." Tedros put the umbrella back in the cupboard.

They had been in Alex's room since early that morning, sifting through her stuff and trying to work out what to pack. Agatha had several duties to complete, and the twins were in their lessons with Merlin, so it was just Alex and Tedros.

Seeing that her father was about to extract another useless object from the depths of her wardrobe, Alex dug in her pocket and held out the list that had come with her admittance letter.

"This is the stuff I need."

Tedros took it and studied it, frowning.

"Trunk, Flowerground Pass, parchment, peacock feather quills, willow sap ink, beaver tooth sharpener… none of that's changed since I went, we've got it all."

"Bet you had a Briar Rose sleep mask." Teased Alex, peering over his shoulder.

Tedros scoffed. "I wish. Chaddick snored like an earthquake, and he didn't look too pretty asleep, either. Bed stuff, that's a given, we've got all that too… Alpaca kneesocks?"

Alex cackled. "Hah! Did you have those?"

"No, happily. My god, what is on here? Moleskin yoga mat?"

"Yoga?" Alex plucked it from his hands, horrified. "You're joking!"

Tedros laughed.

"What?" demanded Alex.

"Not really your thing, is it?" chortled Tedros.

"No, it bloody well isn't! Yoga my ass. What else is on here… oh my god, this is awful. Self-affirming magic mirror, set on level blind to all flaws- hey, don't you have one of those?"

"No!" said Tedros indignantly. Alex grinned at him.

"Mom says you do." She told him, knowing full well her mother had never said that, but hoping he'd take the bait.

He did.

"I used to!"

"So you did? Hah!"

"Shut up, Alex!"

"Where is it?"

"I got rid of it when I was still a teenager, it's long gone. Now be quiet and look through the rest of that stupid list!"

Still sniggering, Alex refocused on the list. "Uh… slippers. Oh, look, there's a section on defending yourself against Never pranks-"

Alex stopped, staring at the sheet.

"What now?" demanded Tedros.

"Um… a personalised wooden decoy dummy. From Gepetto's Workshop."

Tedros gave a joyful hoot.

"Great!"

Alex snorted. "I'm sure the royal guard have got one of all of us, just in case."

"Ha!"

Alex saw movement out of the corner of her eye and turned to watch a squirrel scramble up a tree outside.

Tedros said something else, but Alex wasn't paying attention anymore. She'd noticed a birds nest in the tree next to the squirrels. It looked new, she hadn't seen it before. The gardener was tending to the petunias down below, and there was a rider coming up to the gates. She thought it was a messenger, but-

Someone put a hand on her shoulder. She jumped and spun-

"Oh, Dad. Sorry."

Tedros arched a brow.

"Not finding this very interesting anymore?"

Alex shrugged, tugging on her braid.

"Not really."

Tedros nodded thoughtfully, studying the hurricane of various clothes and trinkets scattered all over the floor.

"Well, how about we go and train for a few hours, and we'll come back to this later?"

Alex grinned.

-

Although the two had rather a lot in common, likely the most defining similarity between father and daughter was the (flawed) tradition of working out when they were stressed or bored. Alex had no idea how many collective hours she'd spent in the pool or the gym. Honestly, she didn't really care to count, but it must have been a lot.

"Don't you dare- ouch!"

Alex laughed as Tedros only just caught himself, rubbing the mark on his shoulder that her boot had left.

"Horrid child." He grumbled, pulling himself back up the rope.

"Narcissist." Taunted Alex, pulling herself above him again. Tedros scrambled to catch up.

"Hothead."

"Conceited!"

"Brash!"

"Arrogant!"

"Feckless!"

"Ooh, who gave you a thesaurus?" Alex swung herself up onto the beam above, laughing. "Come on, old man! Joints acting up?"

Tedros scrambled up beside her, frowning.

"You'll be going grey next." Alex told him.

Tedros looked horrified.

Alex flashed her trademark Cheshire-cat grin. "My point is proven."

"Which one?" grumbled her father. "You made quite a few."

"Mmm… oh, I don't know… maybe all of them!"

Tedros glared at her, but Alex could tell it was mocking.

"I'll be glad to get some peace when you're off at the School."

Alex smirked, forcing down a twinge of worry that she'd been suppressing all day. "I'll just tell the twins to give you hell to make up for the fact I'm not there."

Tedros scoffed. "You really think Marcus and Rosalind would do that?"

"No, unfortunately. I wish."

They fell into silence.

Alex bounced her leg.

Tedros glanced at her.

Alex stopped bouncing her leg.

Tedros looked away.

Alex bounced her leg.

"So you're nervous?"

Alex frowned at him. "What? I never said that."

"You didn't need to." Said Tedros, casting another glance at her still-in-motion leg.

Alex scrunched up her face. "I might not be very good at paying attention, but don't think I missed the look on you and Mom's faces when I told you I got accepted."

Tedros coloured.

"I thought you missed that." He admitted.

Alex could tell he was about to start talking at length, especially when his hand came up to twist his wedding ring. Her father might not have been ADHD like her, but he had a few nervous habits Alex had noticed over the years.

He leant back a little and stared at some point in the middle distance. Alex studied his profile, twisting her braid around her hands.

"We're not disappointed or anything," Tedros said finally. "We just-"

"Oh, I know." Alex cut him off. "You're worried that the same thing's going to happen to me that happened to you. It'll be fine, don't fret like you always do."

Tedros's jaw twitched.

"Then why are you nervous?"

Alex shrugged.

"Well, new Deans bring in new changes, and this one seems like a traditionalist."

"New Dean, huh? What's their name?"

"Uh, Cromwell. Ida Cromwell."

Tedros looked at her for a moment. Then he snorted.

"That's not it. You don't really care who's Dean."

Alex folded her arms.

"What's wrong then, o' wise oracle? What do you know?"

Tedros's mouth quirked in a grin.

"I know you're ticklish here." He prodded her in the side of the ribs.

"Hey!" Alex leant away, slapping his hand. "Do you want me to fall off this beam?"

"Obviously not."

Alex grinned, but it faded as Tedros pressed her.

"Seriously, what's up?"

Alex shrugged.

"I don't know."

Another thing Tedros and Alex had in common was they were both very, very bad at lying. No doubt Tedros would have called her bluff, but at that moment, they both noticed Agatha stood underneath the beam, brows arched.

"I've been looking for you for half an hour. You've both got to attend court in about ten minutes."

Tedros and Alex turned to look at each other, then back at Agatha, who was battling back a grin.

"Let's see if you can get down as fast as you no doubt got up there."

She'd hardly finished her sentence before father and daughter were scrambling frantically for the ropes.


	3. Hooray For Teenage Angst

"AND THAT'S WHY LORD MAURICE CAN SHOVE HIS PROPOSITION UP HIS- Oh, M, hi!"

The wizard lifted a bushy eyebrow at Alex, who was stood on one of the sitting room sofas in the manner of a deranged preacher, shouting to her two-strong, not particularly interested, audience.

"Court went well, I take it?" he said mildly.

"Oh, yeah, swimmingly!" Alex hopped down from the sofa. "Can you believe that Maurice told me that I couldn't join the army?"

"He didn't." muttered Marcus.

"It was implied!" boomed Alex.

"This is another dramatic version." Marcus turned to Merlin. "He was rude, but we all know that Mom and Dad won't let him stop her if she really wants to."

Alex glared at her little brother.

"That's not my point, Marcus! I'm not- you're not- shut up!"

Marcus held up his hands.

"Just saying!"

Alex scowled and turned back to Merlin, who was straightening his hat.

"I'm almost glad I'm leaving, soon." She told him. "At least I don't have to deal with all those idiots every fortnight." She paused. "Well, there'll probably be a new set of idiots, but, Y'know. Variety."

Merlin chuckled.

"I seem to remember several so-called idiots in my years there, and I don't doubt there'll be some you could class as that in yours. Every year has them."

"Oh, absolutely."

Agatha entered, heels from court replaced swiftly with a tatty pair of clumps and flung herself into her chair in front of the fire.

"What happened to the idiots in your year?" asked Alex, as Tedros followed his wife in, clutching a stack of papers.

"Well, I married the biggest idiot, actually. A lapse in judgement, I think." Mused Agatha. "Perhaps a head cold."

Alex and Merlin laughed at the affronted look on Tedros's face.

"You love me really." He told her, sitting down beside her and dumping the papers on the table in front of them.

"Not when you let your stupid dog in," muttered Agatha, eyeing the shaggy grey wolfhound as he trotted into the room via the door Tedros had left ajar and put his head on Tedros's knee. "I can't believe I let you get a dog."

Alex grinned, remembering the defeated look on her mother's face, the day Tedros returned home with the dopey puppy in his arms.

Tedros frowned, stroking the dog's head.

"She doesn't mean it, Chicken." He told him. Chicken cocked an ear at the sound of his voice but otherwise did not move.

"And that I let you name him." Added Agatha.

Alex laughed. The day they'd got the puppy, Chicken had run riot, and caused a chase around the castle, which ended with him devouring an entire roasted chicken from the kitchens. The kids (and Tedros, privately) had thought it was hilarious. The cook had not, but nonetheless, the name had stuck.

Tedros straightened the tatty neckerchief Alex had tied on the dog when she was a kid and patted the sofa beside him.

"Sit here, boy."

"No-" Agatha began, but never got further than that before Chicken scrambled up to sit next to his master, tongue lolling.

Agatha glared at him. Tedros glared back.

"You get your demonic cat, I get my nice, normal-"

"-stupid-"

"-loyal, dog, who doesn't pee on my clothes, drop dead birds in my lap, or get replaced with an equally bad cat every time he dies!"

"Dogs have a longer lifespan than cats." Said Agatha.

"Good!"

Agatha scoffed and scooped up a pile of the papers.

"Are you packed yet, Alex?" she asked, studying the first one.

"Uh…"

Alex looked at Tedros. Tedros looked at Alex.

Chicken sneezed.

"I'm going to take that as a no," said Marcus, who Alex had, admittedly, forgotten was there.

"We started!" said Alex defensively.

"And never finished?" asked Agatha.

Alex's silence was all the answer she needed. Shaking her head, she went back to her paperwork.

"Better get to it." She told her daughter. Alex groaned.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Your room looks like a bomb went off." Said Rosalind. "Do you want some help?"

"Oh, please."

-

"Dress with the lace?"

"No."

"Grey shirt?"

"Yeah."

"Silk dress?"

"Absolutely not." Alex shuddered as Rosalind pulled the dress out of the depths of her closet. "Why do I even have that?"

Rosalind shook her head.

"I don't know." She held it up, frowning. "It's about three sizes too small, and we all know you hate silk. Can I have it?"

"Sure." Said Alex, re-braiding her hair. "Has anyone bought up that set of armour I asked for this morning?"

"Yes, the maid bought it when she re-lit the fires." Said Rosalind. "I already packed it."

"Oh! Good."

Alex picked through her various pairs of boots, humming vaguely. She wondered what she'd actually need, clothes wise. It depended on what they were doing, maybe she'd need things for weapons training. Maybe she should take one dress, just to appease anyone in Beautification. Not a lesson she was looking forward to, now she thought about it. Or History of Heroism. No matter how much she liked Hort, she had never heard much (any) positive feedback about his actual teaching. She wondered what the school would be like with this new Dean. What was her name? She couldn't remember. She was replacing Dovey, so Dovey wasn't going to be around, clearly. She'd sort of hoped she would be. She liked Dovey, and it would have made it easier, Dovey was patient with her. Would this new Dean be as good? She was sure her mother had mentioned that they'd been having trouble finding someone, or had that been about something else entirely?

Her mother…

Would she be compared to her parents?

Definitely.

Was she happy about that?

Definitely not.

She knew she was no Snow White, with her breeches, boots and tendency to swear, but it had never bothered her, and it shouldn't bother anyone else. She heard the courtiers gossiping. She knew which princess they preferred.

She looked over at her sister. Pretty, sweet, cheerful, Ros.

Rosalind was a stereotypical princess, Alex was not.

But who cared? As long as they were both happy, her parents sure didn't.

But Alex wasn't stupid. She knew how her peers acted. No matter how progressive Dovey had tried to be in her later years as Dean, the School for Good was, and would remain forever, a towering glass castle holding, for three years, about a hundred judgemental teenagers, simmering with angst, acne and embarrassing fashion choices, all vying not to be transformed into a slightly droopy shrub. She'd be under intense scrutiny. She assumed they'd all have the same thought track the minute they found out about her:

Princess! Wow! Tedros and Agatha's daughter! Beautiful, kind and gracious, birds and flowers and- oh my god, is that ketchup in her braid?

Something like that.

But you had to hope someone wouldn't be like that, right? There'd be someone she could be friends with, wouldn't there?

But Alex had never been all that good at making friends. She was friendly with a few noble's kids, and she chatted to some children from the town, but proper friends? She was pretty lacking in the proper friends category. Did her siblings count?

It seemed she had a lot to accomplish in her time at the school. Live up to expectations, actually survive lessons, not fail instantly, make some friends, deal with a new Dean-

Oh, god.

Alex sank down against her bedpost.

She couldn't do this.

How was she meant to? All of that, all together, all at the same time, not to mention all the little things she so often forgot- where she'd put her shoes, if she had brushed her teeth, et cetera. She needed to live up to her parent's name, and she had no idea where to even start.

"Ros, I can't do it." She croaked, slumping down onto the carpet.

"What?"

"I can't go to the School for Good."

"What? Why?" Rosalind shuffled over to sit in front of her. "But you applied, and everything!"

"I know! But… I don't know, it seems more real now. There are loads of things I didn't really consider." She paused, not wanting to relay her disjointed reasoning to her sister.

There was the pad of paws, and suddenly Alex's face was being sniffed by a familiar, shaggy dog.

She sat up, pushing Chicken off her legs, and looked over at the door.

"Having doubts?"

Idling in the doorway, her mother arched a brow as Chicken sniffed around Alex's room.

"I didn't bring the dog up, by the way, he followed me. Sure you want him dribbling on the carpet?"

Alex looked down at the slobbering dog.

"I don't mind. Come here, boy."

Chicken did as he was bidden, settling down to put his head onto Alex's knees, blowing out a hot breath. Alex scratched his ears, not looking at her mother, even as she entered the room properly and sat down on Alex's bed.

"Ros, Merlin asked after you." She told her youngest. "I think he wants to know if you're interested in a few potions he's found."

Rosalind took the hint, and nodded, leaving quickly with an uncertain glance at Alex on the way out.

Agatha waited until the door was closed before looking down at Alex.

"You didn't answer my question."

"I know." Muttered Alex.

Agatha leant back, studying the now slightly more packed trunk on the floor.

"Why don't you want to go?"

Alex shrugged.

Agatha nudged her with her foot.

"Hey, no-ones getting anywhere with that. If it makes you feel better, at least you won't get dragged off by a shadow, then thrown into a stymph nest, then flown off by it and dropped about fifty feet into a field, with Sophie screaming in your ear all the while."

Alex did not respond. She appreciated the effort, but she was definitely not willing to tell her mother exactly why she didn't want to go any more than she was willing to tell Rosalind.

"Is it because you saw your father and I's reaction?" prodded Agatha.

"Oh, so Dad told you I saw it, did he?"

"Course he did. Can't lie to save his life, that man."

"He probably could."

"I have my doubts. He's only just pulled it off once, and I knew he was lying. But anyway, he told me that you refused to tell him why you were nervous. I thought I'd give it a go, but seeing as you're such a daddy's little princess-"

"I am not!" protested Alex, cutting her off. Agatha laughed.

"Oh, Alex, he pretends not to pay favourites, but you can't deny that he'd probably conquer a kingdom if you asked nicely."

Alex considered this for a minute. She had to admit, it was probably true. She'd file that one away for later in life. Just in case.

"Anyway," continued her mother, "I thought I might be able to relate to your situation a little better."

"Hmm." Said Alex vaguely, petting Chicken. She had a point-

"That is, I could if I knew what your situation was."

Alex's fingers tightened in Chicken's fur.

"Alex, you-"

"Fine! Fine!" Alex exploded.

Launching to her feet and pushing off Chicken, who grunted, displeased at his seat disappearing so abruptly, she spun to her mother, suddenly furious.

"I don't want to go because I doubt I'll make any friends, do any sort of decent in lessons, or deal well with the new Dean! I don't want to go because I'll have to pall around with a bunch of snooty, judgemental teenagers who care more about themselves than anyone else, no matter how Good they're supposed to be! I don't want to go because I'm scared of letting you and dad and the twins down." Alex paced furiously, kicking aside her trunk. "I don't want to go, because I'll have to live up to the impossibly high standards everyone will set, thanks to your success, as this haphazard, reckless, impulsive little Princess who is nothing like how a princess should be!" she barked. "How am I supposed to do three years of that, and do it any sort of well? Huh?"

She whirled back to her mother, scowling, daring her to contradict.

Agatha hadn't changed her expression. She watched her daughter levelly, as she always did when Alex got upset.

"That's it, then?" she asked.

"Yeah." Growled Alex. "Yeah, that's it."

"Okay. Thank you, for telling me."

Alex folded her arms, frustrated and not at all placated.

"Is that all you're going to say? Say thanks, and pack me off without a second thought?"

"No. I understand now, why you don't want to go. I wish you'd told us sooner."

Something in her tone made Alex stop.

"Us?"

Agatha's eyes moved to the door. Alex glanced the same way.

Her father was stood in the doorway, looking vaguely baffled, presumably witness to her outburst.

Something in his expression reminded her of the apprehensive wolfhound now sat at his feet, tail between his legs from Alex's fury, and it seemed to flip a switch in her brain.

She sat down with a bump on the floor and burst out laughing.


	4. School Or Certain Death? 9/10 Scientists Can't Tell!

A week wasn't actually a very big window of time, Alex found. Some weeks for her lasted months, but this one lasted all of twenty seconds. She went to court, went training, bickered with her siblings, ate, teamed up with her mother against her father in an argument about… something, then glanced at the calendar as she woke up, and found that today was the day of her departure.

She jolted up so fast she fell out of bed.

"Ouch!"

Sitting on the floor across from her trunk, and nursing an aching backside, Alex looked up as the door opened.

"Did you just fall out of bed?"

Alex scowled at Rosalind, who looked vaguely concerned, vaguely sleepy, and had her toothbrush hanging out of her mouth.

"…maybe."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Alex dismissed her, standing up quickly. "Hey, uh, did you know I'm leaving today?"

"Mhm. Are you ready?"

Alex shrugged, biting her thumbnail.

"I guess."

In reality, she was far from ready. It had taken the best part of two hours to convince her parents that she would still go to the School for Good, after her rant, and she could tell her mother still wasn't sure, or happy about it. Alex wasn't either, but she figured that she'd just see how it went (despite Marcus telling her that was a bad idea) and she may as well just go (which Merlin hadn't looked hugely sure about, either).  
But Alex had seen the mutterings and speculations from the courtiers over the last few days, and she knew what they were saying. She'll end up a Follower, or a Mogrif, they muttered as Agatha reviewed the latest tax incomes and she pretended to pay attention. She'll end up in fights, they whispered as they passed her in the corridors. She won't get on with her classmates, she won't make any friends, a few pages mumbled as she sauntered down to dinner with her siblings. She'd even heard the words embarrassment to the family thrown around by a couple of reporters in the weekly press conference. They'd quickly clammed up when they'd seen her father glance their way, though. His hand had tightened on her shoulder, but other than that, he'd given no indication he'd heard.  
But Alex knew he had, and he hadn't liked it at all.  
She'd rather thought Tedros was on the verge of asking her about it when they were training that night, then Chicken, who'd been sat, waiting for his master by the door, had cocked a leg on a dummy. They'd both dived to stop the dog, effectively distracting them, and it didn't seem he'd been about to bring it up since.

Rosalind arched a brow.

"Are you sure?"

Alex waved her sister off, rifling in her closet for a shirt.

"Yeah, yeah. Just… tired, you know?"

Rosalind was worried, Alex could tell. She was hovering. Her voice had wavered briefly.

She was worried about her.

"Uh, okay. I'll see you downstairs."

She forced a smiled and disappeared, closing the door behind her.

Alex watched her go.

She knows what they've been saying.

Poor, sweet Ros didn't need to worry about that. But she did, anyway.

Sighing, the elder sister tugged her shirt off, not really paying attention to what she was putting on.

If Alex had a vice, it was a great obsession with making sure that people got their comeuppance, should they deserve it. She'd often been lectured about making snap judgements ("-you can't be the judge, jury, and executioner within five seconds, Princess, please don't throw that mud clod-!") but she found she'd gotten rather good at it, thanks. Maybe it was a bit of a problem, but she was nothing if not loyal.  
She'd told several rude envoys just what she thought of them when she was five, and had gotten most of it out before Guinevere had run over to stop her.  
She'd (accidentally, I swear, M!) spilt water all over two women at a dinner party who'd commented scathingly on her mother, when she was eight. She had not gotten told off for that one. Her father had bought her ice-cream.  
She'd sworn a vicious oath at a reporter when she was eleven, after he'd tried to grab Rosalind, and gotten half-heartedly told off, then high-fived when she got home, before her father told her mother to stop encouraging her to swear, Agatha, where did she learn that, anyway?! (She still had the article the Royal Rot had written about it. It was framed in the family parlour. Lancelot had absolutely roared with laughter when she'd put it in pride of place on the wall.)  
These days, she'd rather have liked to be more reliant on her fists, but -princesses don't hit people, Alexandra-!, and she'd found herself to be just as good with her words, thank you very much, even if her father did still tell her off for swearing more often than necessary.

But the point was, instead of getting angry, or upset, Alex was getting rather tempted to be completely and utterly contrary, which was a fairly big contributing factor in why she had decided to go. She'd prove them all wrong, she was determined. They wouldn't be right.  
They couldn't be.  
Not when her father had beamed so brightly when she'd perfected a manoeuvre with a spear better than even him, and always made time to talk to her or train with her, even if he had a pile of papers taller than her, not when her mother always genuinely laughed at her bad jokes and patched up her grazed knees after she fell down the stairs again. Not when her parents were so patient with her when she got distracted or frustrated.

She refused to let them down. She couldn't let any of them down.

Especially not the twins.

Someone knocked on the door.

"Alex?"

Speak of the devil.

"What's up, Marcus?"

"Are you coming down for breakfast? Gran's making pancakes. Your favourite, seeing as you're… uh, you're leaving later."

He was worried, too. Logical and clever as Marcus was, he was also only approaching eleven, although everyone seemed to forget that, sometimes, even him. He acted much older than he was, but he was still scared of heights and the dark, still chewed his nails, and still got excited at Christmas and Halloween and his birthday.

"Yeah, I'll be there in a second." Said Alex, reminding herself to thank her thoughtful grandmother.

Marcus seemed to hesitate, trying to detect anything off or odd in her voice. But apparently he found nothing.

"Okay. See you in a minute."

She heard him pad down the floor, and walk over the squeaky board before he headed downstairs.

Bless him.

Alex finished dressing and took a long look around her room. She looked at the knight figurines on the shelves, the dog-eared old books, her numerous blankets piled on her bed, and at her worn old armchair where her mother used to read to her. She looked at the patchwork rug her grandmother had made, the miniature portrait of her family, painted when she was six and had missing teeth, at the misshapen platypus her father had sewn for her third birthday after she'd seen one in a book and begged for a toy-

Alex stopped to look at the faded, floppy old thing, who gazed solemnly back. She hadn't known at the time, but she knew now how long Dad had laboured over it, and she also knew there was about the three "prototypes" (failed attempts) that had come before the (mostly) successful Maurice the Platypus.

Alex stared at Maurice. Maurice stared at Alex.

"Ah, what the hell."

Alex scooped up Maurice, kicked open her trunk, and put him inside.

-

Breakfast was an unmistakably nervous affair. Alex enjoyed her pancakes and poured herself some of Merlin's hot chocolate, trying to pretend she wasn't aware of everyone staring at her. Her parents both looked tired. Alex got the distinct impression they'd spent most of the night awake, and she didn't need to wonder what the topic of conversation had been. None one was saying much. Merlin and Alex were basically holding the only conversation, despite the fact that there was six others at the table.

Tedros, slumped at the head of the table, meticulously piling layers of smoked salmon and scrambled eggs on his toast, with no obvious intent of eating it, hadn't looked up properly for ten minutes. Agatha was on her third bagel, and Rosalind was piling grapes up into little pyramids. Marcus was staring into his orange juice like he wanted to drown himself in it. Even Guinevere and Lancelot ate quietly, with no attempt at making conversation.

So Alex took matters into her own hands.

Once she and Merlin had finished discussing the weather (in Bremen, that was), she sat up and glared at the silent table.

"I'm not being carried off to be executed, you know. I'm going to school."

Tedros coughed.

Agatha broke her bagel in half and dunked it in her coffee.

No-one responded.

Alex scowled.

"And I'm meant to be the sulky one." She muttered to Merlin, who merely sighed, studying the morose gathering.

"She's right, you know." He said into the silence. "If a little blunt about it."

Tedros sank back into his chair, finally looking up. Irritated, Alex clicked her tongue.

"You know that thing little kids do when they hang onto people's legs when they don't want them to go somewhere?"

"I'm about five times what a toddler weighs, Alex, if that was literal, I'd probably break your leg." Mumbled Tedros.

"All the more reason to stop sulking, then." Retorted Alex, biting absently on the prongs of her fork.

"I'm not-"

Tedros caught his wife's eye and a look that Alex couldn't quite read passed between her parents.

Tedros drew breath to speak- then stopped, looked down, and returned to his tower of eggs.

"King of Tact and Diplomacy as well as Camelot, apparently." Grumbled Alex.

There was a pause. Alex, Rosalind, and Marcus slowly raised their eyes to meet each other. Alex looked away, trying to remain composed, and picked up her glass of juice. Now was not the time to laugh. She knew her parents were worried about her, and they shouldn't laugh about it-

Marcus snorted.

Alex choked, sprayed half her drink out of her nose, and exploded into cackles.

Her siblings joined in immediately, and all three children descended into shrieking hysterics, regardless of Alex's thoughts three seconds earlier. Alex was dripping with orange juice and wheezing in-between snorts of laughter, Marcus had his head on the table and was gasping for air, and Rosalind was laughing so hard that tears were running down her cheeks.

The bewildered looks on all of the adult's faces only made them laugh harder, and Rosalind's pale face was now a blazing scarlet. Marcus's glasses had fogged up.

"What's so funny?" demanded Tedros, baffled. Alex sucked in a wheezing breath, trying to get herself under control, looked up, saw her smirking grandfather, and collapsed into howls yet again.

It took them at least five minutes to reign themselves in even partially. Several passing servants had heard them and stuck their heads through the doorway, concerned by their screeches of mirth.

"What's so funny?" demanded Tedros again. Alex, now coughing violently, could only shake her head, eyes streaming.

"I- don't- know!" gasped Rosalind, finally able to speak again.

"Why do you always have to laugh at serious moments?" lamented Tedros. "Didn't you learn from that time when you got kicked out of court?"

"They always get kicked out of court! Not just once!" Accused Lancelot.

"They were all Alex's fault!" protested Rosalind.

"Yeah, they were." Admitted Alex, trying to clean up the orange juice now dripping onto the floor with a single napkin.

"Was the first one the pigeon incident?" asked Agatha.

"No, the third Ooty ambassador incident." Said Merlin.

"Oh." Agatha paused. And then she frowned. "There's more than one Ooty ambassador incident?"


	5. The Tagatha Chapter

Alex was often right in situations regarding people, especially her family, and her observations at breakfast that morning had been correct: Agatha and Tedros had indeed had a mostly sleepless night.

King and Queen had sat on their balcony after they'd seen their children to bed, and considered every single scenario regarding Alex and the School for Good that they could possibly think of. Then they went back to them all and went through them again.  
And again.  
Even as the night's chill set in, they simply moved closer together, retrieved cloaks, and carried on. They were up long into the night, and the sky was closely hinting at the dawn by the time they finally gave up and staggered inside, with no conclusion made.

Now Agatha woke up too hot, exhausted, not at all rested, and- oh, why did he always roll on top of her?

Agatha opened her eyes as she realised that Tedros was, as he often was, sprawled on top of her, dead to the world, snuffling quietly every so often. Sighing, she spat some of her hair out of her mouth and tried to shuffle to the left a little. As much as she'd like to stay in bed with him, he was giving her a dead arm, and she needed the toilet. Frowning, she tried to squirm out from under his torso, to little success. She shuffled around a little more, trying to at least get her arm out.

Tedros huffed and tightened his grip on her waist.

Great.

Agatha flopped back with a sigh. She didn't really want to wake him up, seeing as he never got enough sleep, but he was crushing her.

She prodded him in the chest.

"Tedros."

Tedros did not respond in the slightest. Zero indication he was anything but out cold. Agatha groaned.

"Tedros!"

Tedros mumbled something in the country's own language and did not move. Agatha had picked up most of it over the years, but she usually stuck to the trader's tongue that they'd always spoken in Gavaldon- she'd had no idea there were other languages in the Woods until she'd arrived in Camelot, as everyone spoke Traders at the School, in order to understand each other.

And she knew what he'd just said had no relevance at all, which definitely meant he was still asleep. She was pretty sure it was something to do with fishing. Tedros did not go fishing.

Agatha was getting really impatient now.

"Tedros." She hissed, jabbing him in the stomach.

"Wha?"

About time.

"You're crushing me. Get off."

Tedros did nothing for a minute. Agatha, whose next resort was shoving him bodily away, was sure he had gone back to sleep and was beginning to calculate how much force she'd need to get him off her-

With no small amount of visible reluctance, Tedros rolled off her to lie beside her, eyes still closed.

Relieved, Agatha stretched, trying to get some feeling back into her arm.

"Thank you. Took you a while."

"Hm."

Agatha went to sit up-

"Alex is leaving today." Murmured Tedros.

Agatha stopped. She'd almost forgotten, in her exhaustion.

"She's not ready."

"I know." Rasped Tedros.

"It's going to be hard for her."

"I know."

"But she's going to go anyway."

"I know. I know lots of things." There was a short silence as Tedros paused, reconsidering. "Well, some things."

"Perhaps more accurate."

"I thought so."

Agatha reached for his hand and laced her fingers through his.

"She'll be okay, won't she?" she said.

"I hope so." Mumbled Tedros.

They lay there in silence for a long moment. Agatha stared at the ceiling, last night's discussion slowly coming back to her.

She drew breath to speak-

A crash sounded from down the hall, and the silence was shattered.

"Alex is awake," said Tedros without opening his eyes.

Agatha sighed and sat up, raking her hands through her hair. Alex was often an alarm clock for the whole family, albeit not a very reliable one, but she fell out of bed often enough for them all to take it as a wake-up call, unless it was some ungodly hour. Agatha remembered one time, quite a few years ago now, when Alex had been quite badly ill with a stomach bug, and Tedros had slept on the floor next to her bed to keep an eye on her. Alex had fallen on him at three in the morning and cracked one of his ribs. Agatha almost snorted at the memory of their combined shrieks of confusion and pain.

"So I hear. We need to get up."

"I don't want to. Come back to bed, we've got aaages yet.."

"Aaages?" mocked his wife. "What are you, two?"

"Forty-two, and don't look a day over twenty-two."

"Hah!"

Tedros frowned. "Don't be mean. I've just woken up."

Agatha snorted and prodded once or twice him in the ribs, not exactly gently.

"Come on, you arrogant boy. Rise and shine."

"Boy, eh?"

Agatha ignored him. "Your mother's making breakfast."

Tedros opened his eyes.

"I'm getting up."

"Thought that might persuade you."

Despite a promise of Guinevere's cooking, however, Tedros didn't stir until Agatha had finished in the bathroom, and even then, he just sat on the edge of the bed, blinking slowly, looking rather akin to a confused sheep. His days of getting up early to go for a run or a swim were long gone, in favour of sleeping longer. Agatha couldn't say she minded too much.

She left the bathroom, took one look at him, rolled her eyes, and went to get dressed.

"Looks like you've sacrificed your beauty routine this morning, your majesty. Careful, you might end up showing grey if you don't dye your roots again."

Tedros suddenly sounded very awake, and very indignant, as she disappeared into her closet.

"I do not dye my hair!"

"Tell that to the Royal Rot, sweetheart!"

-

Tedros was grumbling under his breath and buttoning up his waistcoat when she reappeared.

"What took you so long?" he demanded. "You're not one for labouring over clothes."

Agatha had spent quite a few minutes digging out her clumps from the mystery place they'd landed in, after she'd chucked them at random in her closet last night (behind some cloaks, it turned out, and she'd also found a ring, two hair clips, and an empty bottle of lavender perfume, none of which she remembered losing, or, indeed, ever owning. It appeared Sophie had been snooping in her closet again).

She spared him the details, as he probably wouldn't process them this early, and shrugged.

"Looking for my shoes. Can you lace up my dress?"

Tedros eyed her with an unfortunately familiar, very petulant, expression that Alex and Rosalind had both copied and used to great effect. Agatha anticipated a very childish response.

She was right.

Tedros narrowed his eyes at her. Agatha half expected him to stick his tongue out at her.

"You're going to have to ask nicely, you've been mean to me."

"Oh, have I?"

"Yes! You know I don't dye my hair."

Agatha had a short fantasy in which she clubbed Tedros with his own boot, blamed Sophie for his untimely death, and lived out the rest of her days as a wildly rich, and husbandless, Dowager Queen. Then she remembered that she loved Tedros and didn't want to murder him and blame it on Sophie and that she was hungry, so she better stop wasting time.

"Oh, for god's- ugh, fine."

She plastered a (fake) smile on her face and latched onto his arm, briefly appreciating the muscles in his bicep before refocusing on the task at hand.

"Tedros, my darling, beloved husband, would you bestow the greatest of honours upon your revered Queen, in which you lace up the back of her dress? Because with a lack of maidservants-"

"At your request-!" interrupted Tedros.

Agatha ignored him and carried on. "-she really can't reach, and you wouldn't want her to work too hard, and break a sweat, and possibly her wrists, because that's unladylike."

Tedros didn't seem to know whether to laugh or groan. He settled with laughing.

"Seeing as you put it mostly nicely, alright then."

"Thank you, sweetheart."

Pleased with her work, Agatha turned around to let him do up the back, and also to hide her growing smirk.

"Remember, a certain King of Rainbow Gale likes to remind you often that he has a prettier wife than you, so you'd better help her look her best."

"Oh, like hell he does. No one tops my wife." Grumbled her king, finishing her dress and turning to retrieve his jacket. "Come on, revered Queen. Breakfast awaits."

Agatha took his offered arm, very pleased with herself. She'd made him get up, dress, made fun of him multiple times, and call her pretty, all before ten on a November morning.

And then she remembered what was happening on this particular November morning, and her smile faded. Tedros seemed to know what she was thinking, as always.

"No use moping, my love. Let's go and see Alex eat enough for a small army for the last time in a while."

-

They didn't rush, content to wander the corridors arm in arm, and examine the morning frost outside of the windows. Chicken the dog had followed his master from their parlour, and now trotted behind them, acting for all the world like a slobbering, fart-prone, four-legged honour guard with a spotty neckerchief.

Tedros whistled to himself, watching a robin hop from branch to branch in a nearby tree. Agatha peered at a portrait of one of Tedros's ancestors, which was her and Alex's personal favourite, due to the fact the poor man looked like he was closely related to a bloodhound, and he really wasn't happy about it. Alex couldn't walk down this hallway with a straight face, as a matter of fact, because there was another portrait several spaces down which depicted, in Alex's words, "the stupidest looking pair of foxes I've ever seen in my life." Agatha did occasionally wonder if the painter had ever actually seen a fox. Probably not.

Glancing back at the bloodhound portrait, Agatha thought, rather shallowly, thought how glad she was that Arthur had been so handsome, and the fates had been considerate enough to allow him to pass it down to his son.

Then she thought she was getting more and more like Sophie, and glanced at Tedros- who promptly stumbled over a side table, nearly dragging her with him.

"Sorry, sorry- ow!"

Agatha closed her eyes briefly as Tedros walked straight into a torch bracket in a weak attempt to regain his footing, ramming his shoulder into the metal.

Agatha sighed, watching him careen off the wall like a six foot three pinball in an embroidered jacket.

"Something on your mind, my love?"

Tedros turned back to her, trying his best to maintain a little dignity, (which was ridiculous, because Agatha had seen him do every stupid and embarrassing thing she could think of, and several she'd never even thought were possible).

"Hmm? No. Just forget things are there, sometimes."

He offered her a very unconvincing smile, straightening his tie.

Agatha arched a brow.

"Tedros, you've lived in this castle for your whole life, you know every passage there is, including one or two I think even Merlin doesn't know, and you could probably negotiate this place backwards and blindfolded, provided you didn't fall down the stairs and break your neck. There's no way you forgot anything was there."

Tedros blinked at her, momentarily stunned.

Then he shrugged, smiled, and went trotting off again, Chicken lolloping beside him.

"Maybe I'm getting old." He offered. Agatha scoffed.

"You'd rather stab yourself than admit it." She could see the potential of another rib about him dyeing his hair, but decided to let him off for now. "Anyway, that would make Alex calling you old man warranted, best not say that in front of her. You'd never hear the end of it."

Tedros snorted, but Agatha noticed something more subtle- how he'd tensed slightly at the mention of Alex. She sighed, watching him shamble ahead, but couldn't bring herself to say anything. She wouldn't have known what to say, anyway.

So instead, she just took his hand and followed him down to breakfast.


	6. Get On The Flower Train, Loser (And If You Sneeze, You Might As Well Run Away To Be An Ice Farmer In Avalon)

Alex enjoyed making (gentle, well-meaning!) fun of her family.

She didn't particularly enjoy it when they did it back, though, even if she did sort of deserve it.

For instance, at this moment, Tedros was holding out some Hinderpollen Anti-Allergy Pills to her, the picture of innocence, and Alex was contemplating hitting him with them.

"Why do you have those?" she demanded, eyeing the packet reluctantly. Tedros tutted, waving them in her face, and he and Agatha answered in chorus.

"No sneezing!"

"I hate you both." Grumbled Alex, sinking back into her seat, as the royal carriage clattered through Maker's Market, and her parents giggled like teenage girls.

Although it was a big carriage, they were all wedged together like sardines; Tedros, Agatha, Alex and the twins, Guinevere, Lancelot, Merlin, and Chicken the dog, who was happy to sit on the floor and dribble on Agatha's clumps. How they all fitted, Alex wasn't sure, but Tedros had been determined they were all going together. So, now, Alex had Marcus's elbow wedged firmly and rather painfully into her ribs, some of Rosalind's hair stuck to her face, and her father's boot on her ankle.

"I really don't see why everyone has to come and see me onto a train made of flowers." Alex protested, for the third time in the last half an hour. "Wouldn't it have been easier to just send me off from the castle?"

She knew why, obviously, but she wasn't going to admit that. She knew her family wanted to see her off properly, not just leave her to get on the train on her own, and they were trying to salvage as much time as possible. She just had to play along.

Also, if she wasn't complaining about her father's ridiculous ideas, she couldn't call herself her mother's daughter.

Tedros, still smirking and holding the Hinderpollen Pills, made a movement which could have been a shrug, but he was so tightly stuck between his wife and the wall, it was hardly noticeable. Alex had noted the mood change in both of her parents- she could tell the cheerfulness was slightly put on, but at least they weren't sobbing to end the world and tearfully lamenting the (non-permanent) loss of their precious baby.

Also, they weren't sending her to the iconic (read: infamous) Putsi Academy, where all the royalty and nobility's kids who didn't get into the School for Good went.

Then they'd really have reason to cry- probably from laughter at the fact that Alex would get expelled in the first week. She had received a pamphlet a few weeks prior to her acceptance to the School for Good, and she and her mother had almost wet themselves laughing at some of the lessons and courses listed. It had included everything from polo, played on Altazarra's prized unicorns, with a huge diamond as the ball, to music lessons teaching Sturm und Drang, making sure that their students were proficient on the 12 neck guitar and could "sing like baby angels."

There was also a rule book that was "thicker than your father's skull, Alex!"

Alex almost wished she was going to Putsi Academy, to be honest. But no, she was watching the city pass her by, and wondering why on earth she voluntarily applied for a school at which, in three years, two students were killed, her father was stabbed in the heart with his own sword, and her aunt stabbed (and briefly killed) with a magic pen and her mother shoved out of window, amongst other things- such as two wars. She was stuck in-between her siblings in a carriage, unable to move, her trunk was stacked on the back, her parents were jittery and nervous, (that was her job!) and she was bored.

Ugh.

-

They arrived nearby the Flowerground entrance what felt like years later, although Lancelot insisted it was only about five minutes. Alex was first out, closely followed by a barking, excited Chicken, and a stiff-hipped Merlin.

Lancelot and Tedros hauled her trunk down from the back of the carriage, and suddenly Rosalind was stood very close to her sister's side, eyebrows scrunched. Alex recognised the warning sign- if she didn't do something dumb in the next twenty seconds, Rosalind was going to cry.

The first thing to come into her head went straight out of her mouth before she even had time to consider it. Thankfully, it wasn't as bad as she'd expected.

"Hey, don't worry, Ros. I'm not going forever, and I'll write to you all, and send you stuff. Every week."

Rosalind's mouth trembled dangerously.

"What sort of stuff?"

Alex frowned, panicking internally. Say something funny! Now! Now!

"Uh, part of a burnt tower? A declaration of war delivered on an arrow? Candy from Hansel's Haven? I heard that stealing the Storian is an extra-curricular option-" she grinned at her frowning father and snickering mother- "Um…"

She stopped, eyes refocusing.

"Oh my god, that's not who I think it is, is it?"

Everyone spun to stare in the direction she was looking in.

Badly concealed behind a topiary across the road, stood an unfortunately familiar figure. A portly little man, clutching a notebook and a raggedy old quill pen, the pinnacle of his puce top hat poking over the top of the leaves, the colour of the hat matching his ugly suede waistcoat.

Guinevere sighed. Tedros beamed, completely falsely.

"Oh, marvellous! Shall we send Edward flowers to celebrate his seven-hundredth invasion of our privacy?"

They stood and stared a little longer at the figure, who didn't appear to be moving anytime soon.

Edward Persians was the current editor and part-time journalist, of the Royal Rot- the paper intent on bringing down the monarchy. Though his paper might once have been a threat, it was now something of a joke, and Tedros and Rosalind often performed the day's gossip column in a minor key, (piano accompanied) as an after-dinner activity. If it was accurate, obviously, Tedros and Agatha would have been in a very messy divorce over twenty times, Rosalind and Marcus were illegitimate children of Tedros's, Alex was a changeling, Agatha was having an affair with Chaddick, and Merlin was brewing illegal stimulants in his laboratory. He thrived on scandals, affairs, and everything in-between… and Alex loathed him.

But, as much as she hated him, she loved to feed him false or ridiculous information, just to mess with his reputation even more.

And so did everyone else.

As a result, not one of her family tried to stop her when she bellowed across the road at the concealing topiary.

"OI, MR PERSIANS! HAVEN'T YOU GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN HIDE BEHIND HEDGES ON NOVEMBER MORNINGS?"

The hedge jumped and rustled but otherwise did not respond.

Alex waited a few seconds. Nothing.

"WE CAN SEE YOUR HAT!" she added.

For a moment, there was still no response. Then, slowly, slowly, with as much dignity as he could muster, Edward Persians slid out from behind the bush and trotted towards them.

Lancelot made a sound somewhere between a groan and a rather strong curse.

"Good morning, Mr Persians." Drawled Tedros as he approached. The reporter refused to meet his eyes- the one person he was afraid of was Tedros, for several reasons. It was rare that it was the King, rather than his Queen, who he was afraid of- Alex, thinking about the traditional roles and mannerisms of King and Queen, had often wondered if her parents ought to swap titles.  
But at any rate, the main reason that Edward Persians avoided Tedros was the (in)famous incident at Alex's birth announcement. The then-reporter had asked a highly personal, decidedly rude question about Agatha, when Agatha was still recovering from Alex's entrance to the world, which had been, to say the least, chaos.  
The look that Tedros gave him could have knocked a small child dead on the spot. Someone at the back had cheered. According to Merlin, cosmetic companies had released a limited edition lip rouge based on the colour that Edward's face had gone.

Now the busybody usually just holed himself up in his office and wrote scathing articles, but today, (oh, happy day!) he was out in the open.

As her father said: marvellous.

-

"-and, if you were to be a Mogrif, what would you want to be?" demanded Edward Persians, fifteen minutes later, onto his tenth page of notes.

Alex sifted through her obscure plant and animal knowledge, trying to find something ridiculous to complete her deadpan, dripping-with-sarcasm, mess of an interview.

Just as she'd settled on the Sneezewort plant (the Chachalaca and Potoo birds just missing out), her father came striding over and cut the interview short, much to Alex's vague disappointment and Edward's chagrin.

"Alex, you're going to miss the train at this rate. Thank you, Mr Persians, but it seems you've got enough for at least three articles there."

He took her arm and towed her away, ignoring Edward's scowl as he turned and trotted back the way he had seemingly come.

"Come on, Dad, I was ruining his credibility there!"

"I think you already ruined his credibility, love."

"Well then, I was trying to set the rubble on fire."

"I'm sure you've done that well enough, over the years."

Alex frowned, but let it go as her father led her back towards the others. Now for the bit she wasn't very good at.

Goodbyes.

-

Rosalind cried, despite Alex's valiant efforts to distract her.

"But you'll be gone for ages!" she wailed, gripping her sister's leg.

Alex shrugged, trying to maintain her composure.

"It's not that long, kid. And I promised to write, didn't I? I'll tell you all my near-death experiences in detail."

Rosalind squeaked and held on tighter. Alex wondered if, in hindsight, maybe that wasn't the best thing to say to her ten year old, upset, sister.

Lancelot cleared his throat, seemingly thinking the same thing.

"Uh, maybe not that, 'Lex."

"Focus on the good things." Chimed in Merlin. Alex grinned, slightly guiltily.

"Yeah, alright. Here, Ros, Marcus, I'll tell you about my lessons and my new friends and stuff! And, uh, I'll see what fun stuff I can send you! And you can come and see me at every Visiting Weekend there is. How's that? Is that okay?"

Marcus, shuffling his feet in the dirt nearby, watched her over the top of his glasses. Rosalind furrowed her brows.

Then, slowly, both twins nodded.

Alex sighed in relief.

"Oh, good. Because I'm not sure I could get away with taking you with me. Come on twins, group hug!"

Her siblings obliged, and over the top of Marcus's head, Alex caught sight of her parents, rather determinedly not looking at her.

Oh, dear.

But her grandparents were next, and it seemed Alex wasn't the only one who'd noticed Tedros and Agatha's discomfort.

Lancelot hugged her cheerfully, and while he didn't acknowledge his step-son and his wife's anxiety, he looked at them briefly, and then looked at her and arched his brows. Alex smirked back. Lancelot had a talent for making her laugh, even if she didn't particularly want to, and he'd always used it to great effect.

"Good luck, 'Lex. You'll be fine. Give 'em hell."

"Lance, I don't think-" began Tedros, but the old knight cut him off with a short glance.

"It doesn't matter what you think, boy, I'm telling her to give 'em hell, it's up to her if she listens to me, or you, you flapping mother hen."

Tedros flushed but didn't seem to have much of a comeback. Grinning, Alex let go of her grandfather and turned to her grandmother.

Guinevere hid her emotions much better than her obvious, impulsive son, (or his wife, but at least Agatha tried), but Alex could see the anxious look in her eyes.

"Good luck, Alex." She smiled, but it didn't quite hide her worry. "Remember, just do your best, and you'll be fine, I promise. You're a capable girl."

Alex smiled back, trying her best to commit to memory the old Queen's words.

"I will. Thanks, Gran."

Guinevere squeezed her arm, and then Alex was turning to her mentor.

Merlin smiled at her like he always did- that knowing expression that told her he knew exactly what she was thinking, and he was just waiting for her to tell him. Alex felt slightly comforted.

"Any last words of wisdom from the wizard?"

The old man chuckled a little.

"Nothing you haven't thought of yourself, or already been told, my dear. Good luck. Don't worry."

Alex smirked.

"Gives you gas."

"Took the words right out of my mouth."

Alex hugged the wizard, feeling momentarily comforted as she was enveloped in his starry robes. It reminded her of being a little girl, wrapped in the musty velvet of the cloak.

"Thanks, M."

Merlin's eyes twinkled, and Alex turned one last time, to face her parents.

Agatha was first, and Alex didn't miss how tightly she hugged her, or how long it lingered. Once she pulled back, Alex grinned, trying her best to look cheerful.

"I'll be fine, Mom. I won't burn down any towers, or cause any stampedes, promise."

Agatha smiled wanly.

"Uma would thank you for it." She sobered, her smile disappearing, and lowered her voice. "Please be careful there, Alex. My mother told me this, and I'll tell you it: the School for Good isn't a festoon of roses."

Alex bit her cheek. She'd known it, of course. But her mother actually saying it somehow made it worse.

"I know. I'll try to be careful."

She wasn't sure there was much point in saying that she would be careful, because she wasn't careful, and both mother and daughter knew it. But she could try, couldn't she?

Agatha nodded once or twice, eyes darting over her face.

"Stick to your guns, Alex. Promise me you'll remember yourself. You're kind, you're strong, and you're quick-witted, and that's all you really need."

Alex pursed her lips, trying to fit in one last joke.

"Strong physically, or strong mentally? Opinions on the latest poll differ after the recent jousting incident."

Agatha snorted, and Alex congratulated herself. She'd always enjoyed making her mother laugh, ever since she was small, so she was glad to be able to do it again, one last time before she went cavorting off to the School.

"You know, I think I'll say both."

She hugged her again, hands shaking.

"Good luck, Alex. Be safe. I love you."

She kissed the top of her head, and stepped away, leaving Alex with the last member of her family.

Tedros had always been crap at speeches, and it wasn't going to change now. Father and daughter stood to stare at each other for a long moment, both trying to think of something to say. Chicken sat by his master's feet, tail thumping anxiously.

Her dad exhaled for a long second.

"Alex-"

Alex cut him off, flinging her arms around his neck and pressing her face into his jacket.

Tedros didn't bother trying to say anything, just hugged her back, very tightly, almost uncomfortably so. His signet ring was digging into her back, but Alex didn't really care. She didn't want to leave. She also needed to get rid of that thought, pronto, because if she didn't, she'd cry, and then it'd all be terrible, because she'd probably set her dad off, and then that'd just be a mess, because she'd never seen her dad cry before, but she got the distinct impression he was very close, at this moment-

Then Tedros had let go of her and was rummaging in his pockets, muttering to himself. Chicken seemed to have caught wind of what was going on, and whimpered. Alex bent down to pat the dozy dog goodbye, and when she looked back up, Tedros had found what was looking for.

"Alex, your mother and I want you to have this. I forgot to give it to you before now, but when you need it, it'll work for you."

Alex stared at what he was offering her. It was a piece of wood, about 4 inches long, made of smooth, polished mahogany. She took it, confused.

"Uh, thanks. What… um, what is it, exactly?"

Tedros took a breath to speak-

"Am I just wasting my time over here?"

Everyone turned, Alex cramming the stick into her inside pocket as she did so.

Perched on a nearby leaf was a large green caterpillar, dressed in a sharp purple suit, with a matching top hat. Alex wondered if he went to the same tailor as Edward Persians.

"Alexandra of Camelot! Ticket, please!"

Alex stared.

"Uh… no offence, but who the hell are you?"

"NO SWEARING!" squawked the caterpillar. "For goodness sake, girl, you're not even on the train yet! I hope you don't take after your mother!"

Alex glanced back at Agatha, who was fighting a smirk.

"Um, she'll be fine, sir. Alex, this is Dante, the Flowerground Conductor."

Dante eyed her suspiciously.

"I hope you've got your ticket. Give it here."

Alex rummaged in her back pocket, and, to her relief, found she hadn't misplaced the slip of gold paper. She handed it to the caterpillar, who examined it. Seeming to find nothing wrong, he handed it back to her.

"Right. On board with you, Princess! We'll take your trunk."

Alex rather thought her mother was about to laugh.

"Just remember the rules, Alex-"

Dante butted in.

"NO SPITTING, NO SNEEZING, NO SINGING, NO SNIFFLING, NO SWINGING, NO SWEARING-" -here, he stopped to cast her a meaningful glance- "-NO SLAPPING, NO SLEEPING, AND NO URINATING!"

"Why doesn't that one start with s as well? What about no shy bladders or something?" demanded Alex. Dante ignored her. Behind her, she thought she heard Merlin chuckle.

She took one last glance back at her family- at her trembling, wide-eyed siblings, clustered around her smiling, (but clearly worried) mother, at a calm, cheerful, Merlin, at her encouraging grandparents, at her stupid, loveable dog- and the same went for her Dad, her loyal, blunt, obvious, Dad, clutching her mother's hand and watching her anxiously.

Her dad! The stick!

She spun back towards them.

"Dad-"

"The train's here!" boomed Dante-

And then vines shot from the trees and grabbed onto every part of her limbs they could reach. Squeezing so hard it almost became painful, the vines tugged, hard, and yanked her unceremoniously backwards into a mess of flowers, vines and trees. Alex was hauled through a whirlwind of blinding colours, thrown every which way, and the only thing she could think of was how she was being whisked away from her entire family at once, for the first time in her fifteen years, swept away to a school which had caused her parents so much pain.

And she wasn't happy about it.


	7. Alex And Nadi Take The School For Good- Premiering On E! This Summer!

Nadiya was ready to strangle herself with the vine harness.

She'd been on the Flowerground since her hometown of Rajashah, and she'd never been so frustrated. Starting out alone, with no other students save one confused looking lad from Ladelflop who didn't seem to want to talk to her, and hardly any other passengers, had been calm enough. But the Tangerine Line was long, boring, and had no other stops apart from Ladelflop and Rajashah, meaning they had to switch onto the Hibiscus Line at Camelot- which was where she was narrowly missed by a tall blonde girl's boot, as she was yanked onto the train several spaces behind her.

The Everwood Botanical Transit Authority really needed to sort out their boarding procedure.

But they were whisked ever onwards, and despite the offers of various suspect muffins and beverages, Nadiya didn't find herself particularly cheerful as the train swooped through the Garden of Good and Evil. A graveyard wasn't the most pleasant entrance to a School where she had about a good 33% chance of being turned into a plant like the ones she was surrounded by now.

She was excited, initially, when she'd got her acceptance letter. What child in the Woods didn't dream of attending the famed School for Good and Evil, which produced heroes and villains of great esteem?

But Nadiya had spent lots of time reading about the school. Coming from a family where she was the first in 456 years (her father counted) to attend the school, she'd taken it upon herself to learn as much as she could about a world she'd never assumed she'd be a part of. Not all she'd learned had been good. Now that she knew about ball scandals, trial disasters, deaths, dismemberments, injuries, disappearances, and everything in-between, excitement had been replaced with worry. She'd found herself having consistently grim mental images of various worst-case scenarios, despite her parent's assurances that she'd be fine, and after the Second Great War, the School was safer than ever.

(Hopefully.)

She wondered if everyone felt like this when they arrived. Surely some people were apprehensive, too-

Someone screamed, and her thoughts were rudely interrupted when, with a rush of greenery, every single other student from every other line suddenly boarded the Hibiscus Line.

All at once, that was.

The point where the lines all crossed on the Flowerground had been condemned by Nadiya's mother as "hellish." Now she saw why, and cursed herself for not noticing it was approaching.

Vines stabbed and lashed through the air, sending deadly missiles of high heels, sharp nails, boots, and sword scabbards flailing through the sky- plus the students that said missiles were attached to. Nadiya ducked down in her harness, hoping to hang onto her head, as students after student was hurled over her cowering form and dumped unceremoniously on the flower train, usually accompanied by shrieks or screams (which, oddly, were not forbidden in the largely s based list of prohibited actions. You would have though screaming was more disturbing than sneezing.)

It took a good few minutes for all of the students to be settled, and even longer for them to all calm down and sit back. Glad to have escaped unscathed, Nadiya sat back up, wondering where they were-,

Dante bellowed from right behind her head, and if she could have fallen out of the harness, she would have done.

"STOP FOR THE SCHOOL FOR GOOD AND EVIL!"

Nadiya nearly jumped out of her skin, and then noticed the rest of the students reaching for the vines beside them. Panicked, she copied them, and perhaps she yanked the vine just a little too hard, because her harness tightened, squeezing all the breath out of her lungs, tensed, and hauled her straight upwards, plunging her headfirst into a suffocating, blinding mass of soil. But rather than crashing straight into it, Nadiya was pulled up, up, up through the crushing dirt, disorientated, confused, stifled. She didn't know which way was up, which way was down, or why she ever thought this was a good idea in the first place-

She also didn't quite know when she was shoved out of the ground, but what she did know was that she was so disorientated she staggered, tripped, and landed hard on her rear in lush green grass.

Well, then.

As she sat there, blinking, her vision slowly came back into focus, and, for the first time, it crossed her mind where she was.

She bolted upright, eyes widening, as she realised what was in front of her.

Soaring turrets of pink and blue glass speared into the cloudless blue sky, so high she had to crane her neck to see where they ended. Coloured breezeways interlinked each tower, stained glass windows sparkled in the sunlight, and the author of this tale had lost their copy of The School for Good and Evil, and therefore could not remember exactly what the School for Good was meant to look like. They were running entirely off memory, and not doing a bad job, all things considered.

In front of her, tall silver gates opened into another stretch of that lush grass, leading past a glittering bay of crystalline water, towards the castle entrance.

Dumbstruck, Nadiya could only stare around, wondering vaguely if she'd been dumped in some sort of paradise.

But no. Nearby, a gold-lettered sign confirmed her location;

The School for Good: Enlightenment and Enchantment.

Nadiya took several tentative steps forwards, hardly noticing the other girls stood around her.

She was here. The School for Good.

Which meant, on her left, was the twin school.

Nadiya turned to the second castle, a mass of towering, stylised black turrets, much more modern than the Good castle. She could see the bony silhouettes of stymphs, swooping and darting around the towers, and faint shrieks drifted across the Never's side of the bay to the Ever's. Apparently not all of the students enjoyed the Stymph Landing Pad as much as Dean Sophie had thought. Or, maybe, she thought as she watched one stymph stop flying momentarily, and heard the students on its back scream, the stymphs liked to mess with their passengers a little more than necessary.

Everything about Evil was sleek and shiny, from highly polished towers, glowing lights from inside, to the beach tents she could see set up on the bay, and the statue of the Dean who made it all happen, perched on top of the tower in the centre of the bay.

She knew the statue of Dean Sophie was supposed to point to the winning school, but seeing as the Ever Never Challenge hadn't yet begun, Sophie's polished onyx hands were folded in front of her, unmoving.

She tore her eyes from the School for Evil, and caught sight of her fellow Evergirls beginning to make their way up towards the castle. Not wanting to be left behind, she hurried after them, and found herself walking next to a girl who looked familiar- Nadiya recognised her as the girl who'd been yanked onto the train at Camelot earlier. Tall, and almost gangly, with thick blonde hair tied into a messy plait that was half falling out. She didn't seem to notice Nadiya beside her- she was eyeing the castle with an expression that didn't look exactly glowing with excitement. She seemed to be embodying the feeling of apprehension in the pit of Nadiya's stomach. In fact, she looked very apprehensive, almost afraid.

Thinking it best to introduce herself, Nadiya cleared her throat politely. The girl glanced around at her, already arched brows shooting almost comically high, and Nadiya summoned up her best smile.

"Um… hi! I'm Nadiya. Of Rajashah. I, um just noticed you looked a bit apprehensive, so… so I thought I'd check you were okay."

The girl blinked owlishly. Nadiya watched her wide brown eyes give her a swift, oddly piercing, once-over. She looked rather taken-aback at being approached, and Nadiya wondered if she'd perhaps made a mistake in talking to her-

But then, to her relief, the other girl's face lit up with a surprisingly charming grin, displaying slightly crooked front teeth and dimpling her cheeks.

"Aw, thanks! You're a dear, aren't you? Nah, I'm okay. Just a bit… uh, nervous. You know? I'm Alex, by the way."

She offered her hand, which Nadiya shook.

"It's nothing, I'm glad you're okay. Nice to meet you. Uh, where are you from, Alex?" Nadiya was sure she recognised her, but why, she couldn't think-

"Oh, did I not say?" Alex tucked her long hands into the pockets of her breeches. "I'm from Camelot."

"Alex of- wait."

Nadiya stopped walking, struck with a sudden realisation. Camelot. Alex of Camelot. Alex of Camelot, with an odd accent and clearly expensive clothes. Blonde. Tan. Brown eyes.

"You're not… that Alex? Princess Alex? Princess Alexandra of Camelot?"

"Yeah, I'm that Alex." Princess Alexandra Pendragon of Camelot, eldest daughter of the legendary King and Queen of Camelot confirmed, currently picking a twig out of her hair. "I know, there's lots of girls called Alex. My parents popularised the baby name, it was fashionable for ages." She smirked at the dumbstruck Nadiya, dimples sinking deeper. "But I'm the original. The trendsetter. Don't call me Alexandra, though. Too long. Plus, it makes me sound like someone's grandma."

She turned and trotted ahead again, whistling tunelessly.

Stunned, Nadiya hurried after her, trying to match her long strides.

"You… uh…" She stopped, and tried again. "I- I shouldn't be addressing you formally, should I?"

Alex looked faintly amused at the idea.

"Hah! No, no. No, definitely not."

They were approaching the castle now, walking into the shadow of its turrets, but Nadiya barely noticed, instead surveying this princess closely. Her parent's faces and story were everywhere in the Woods, and she might have seen the odd depiction of Alex in her grandmother's various gossip magazines. But she'd never really payed attention. She'd sort of assumed this girl would look… well, like your stereotypical princess.

Alex was tall, and broad-shouldered, with a face that almost looked elfish- her long, slightly crooked nose, wonky front teeth, arched brows, and dimpled cheeks gave her a mischievous look, like she was always holding back laughter. She was an odd mix of looks- she wasn't exactly unattractive, but she wasn't any great beauty, either.

Also, she was wearing men's clothes.

Nadiya was rather surprised. She was nothing like how she'd imagined Tedros and Agatha's oldest daughter.

Alex seemed oblivious to her scrutiny, and sauntered up towards the towering glass castle, still chattering away;

"- I mean, if you really, really, really wanted to, there's not a lot I could do to stop you, but it's whatever. One time I met some envoy bloke who referred to me by my whole name every time he talked to me. And my whole title is long. Like really long. I have like a hundred middle names, for some reason. And a bunch of fancy bits on my title. Waste of time, honestly."

She turned to see Nadiya lagging behind, and waved her forwards cheerfully.

"Come on, Nadiya- ooh, can I call you Nadi? I mean, I shouldn't have to call you your full name if your just gonna call me Alex, right?"

Nadiya considered this. She didn't think she'd ever had a nickname before.

"Um… yeah, that's… that's fine. You can call me that." She stammered, a bit bewildered by how full-on this girl was. Did she ever stop talking, or walking, or-? Oh. She was off again.

Alex beamed, striding up the steps to the Entrance Hall two or three at a time.

"Great! We could make the best sitcom out of this!" she waved her hands in the air, visualising some imaginary sign. "Alex and Nadi take the School for Good! Hah! Come on!"

She disappeared into the Entrance Hall, and Nadiya hurried after her new friend, somewhere between confused and pleased.

She took her first steps into the glittering halls of the School for Good, with no idea what to expect, and a hundred questions in her head. Was she going to do well? Was Alex going to do well? What would her lessons be like? Who were her roommates?

(And what on earth was a sitcom?)

She didn't find out the sitcom one, to her disappointment.

Actually, she didn't find any of them out, right away, because that was when all the shouting started.


	8. How To Make Friends 101

Alex was going to kick Edward Persians in the kneecaps.

She had taken three steps into the School for Good with simple, honest intentions- of having a bit of a look at the school, getting her schedule, taking the piss out of her parent's portraits, and finding her room.

Safe to say it definitely didn't end up working out quite like that.

She'd gotten a vague impression of spiralling glass staircases and a towering wall of portraits, before she refocused and found the smiling face of a girl, directly in front of hers.

"Hello, Princess!"

And suddenly she was surrounded by smiley students who all seemed to know disturbing amounts about her.

"Um… hello." She spluttered. The girl beamed even wider.

"How are you? I'm excited to meet you, I must admit, we've all heard lots about you."

"Uh… really?"

"Oh, well, you're quite a popular topic in magazines." Smiled the girl, completely oblivious to Alex's confusion.

Uh, what?

"I am?" she managed.

"Sure! Edward Persians wrote an article in the Royal Rot a few days ago, an exclusive from a source inside the palace,"

Alex tried not to frown. A source inside the palace her arse. It was probably Persians bribing the part-time stable boy, who took an educated guess.

"-about how you were feeling about attending. I hope you weren't too nervous. I know I was a little nervous myself, but it's very nice here, don't you think?"

From what she'd seen of it, what was not a lot, Alex suppose so. She decided it was best just to agree.

"Uh, sure. Must have… uh, missed that article. Who are you?"

The girl went to answer, but before she could, she was interrupted by her peers. A crowd was developing around her, mostly consisted of curious pastel-clad girls and the odd bewildered boy.

"How are your parents?" demanded a short boy with long blonde hair.

"Oh, um, they're fi-"

"What was that garden party like the other month?" interrupted a tall, dark-skinned girl.

"Uh, oka-"

"Have you been into Maker's Market recently?"

"Yeah, I-"

"What do you think of the new Cinderella's Mice Designs line? You've bought from there before, right?"

"Well, it's- um…"

"How does-"

"Um-"

"Where did-"

"Well-"

"What was-"

"Ah-"

Around and around it went, with more questions and more students and more questions and more students and more students and more questions, a blur of faces and words and waving hands and she could barely hear them anymore and she was confused-

"Don't-" she spluttered, but no one in the seething mass of people seemed to notice her speak. Or, they didn't care.

Whowhatwherewhenwhyhowdidyouyourparentsyoursiblingscamelothecrownhonouredtomakeyouraqquaintance-

"Hey- please don't- please be qu-"

Tedrosagathamarcusrosalindguineverelancelotmerlinfamilyfriendssuccessfailurewinloseprideenvygoodevil-

"Can you please- please-"

It didn't stop. It got louder.

And louder.

And louder.

And-

"SHUT UP!" Alex roared.

Everyone fell silent.

Panting, Alex stared across the wide-eyed crowd, who all suddenly seemed to be seeing her for the first time. She watched eyes take in her long legs and hands, her crooked teeth and nose, the splash of freckles, her bug eyes.

No one moved a muscle for what felt like forever. Alex stood there, heart thundering, completely at a loss.

Someone drew breath to speak-

Another voice cut in first.

"Alex?"

Nadiya peered over a tall girl's shoulder, frowning.

"Are you okay? What's this?"

Thank god.

Alex slumped, still slightly rattled, as Nadiya ducked through the crowd to reach her.

"Uh… sorry." She managed to the shocked faces surrounding her. "I… didn't mean to shout, but I was a bit… overwhelmed. You know. From everyone talking?"

Still, there was silence. Alex blundered on.

"Sure that you're all lovely, and stuff. It's just, there's a lot of you, all talking at once. Lots of questions. Sort of overpowering. I'm not that great, promise."

No one laughed. Several girls looked very stunned. A couple of boys at the back were muttering to each other.

Alex scorched pink. She glanced frantically around for someone to come to her rescue-

"Oh, my, someone of high birth. Never seen one of them here before. Not like there's at least one every year."

Everyone turned.

The boy who had spoken elbowed his way to the front of the crowd.

"She's not even doing anything interesting. This school is teeming with nobility and you choose the confused girl twice my height to shriek questions at like she's the seer Marissa of Rainbow Gale hired for half the treasury to save her failing marriage."

The scandalised masses of students were now something closer to blinky, bewildered sheep. None of them seemed to know who this boy was, either.

"Haven't you got more important things to be doing?"

No one moved. Everyone stared at him. The whispers were getting louder.

"Come on! Move it!"

Slowly, heels shuffled, boots thudded, and the crowd began to disperse, shooting the two of them glances as they departed. Alex slouched, relieved- then yelped, as he yanked her bodily away from the remaining crowd and into a corner, frowning.

"I thought you'd handle that better. Aren't you meant to be good at manners and things? Etiquette? You're a princess, right?"

"Uh…"

Alex settled for a shrug, peering down at him.

"I don't know. Not like they took turns, though, was it?"

"I suppose not." Conceded the other. Alex studied him with interest. Average height, dark hair and eyes. Pale. The sort of expression you'd expect on a nightclub bouncer or a second year Never, i.e., not particularly approachable, and giving the impression that he knew every embarrassing thing you'd ever done.

"Obviously not." Muttered the boy, and stuck out a hand for her to shake. "Sora of Walleye Spring. I don't suppose you'd be Princess Alexandra of Camelot, by any chance?"

-

Sora had just rescued a princess from a mob.

No, not like that. No white knight on a noble steed here.

Rephrase.

Sora had just bodily yanked Princess "Alex" Alexandra of Camelot out of a crowd of prying fellow students while they were distracted trying to work out if he'd just insulted them all or not.

See? No swordplay required. The princess was tall and gangly and had shouted at the mob to shut up. She then proceeded to steadily make it even worse, by doing more talking, and Sora decided that maybe he ought to intervene.

Oh, and the mob was their new classmates, plus, he might have just ruined his chances with a very nice looking boy at the back. It was not glamourous.

Now Alex ("don't call me Alexandra, please") was explaining to him what had happened.

Sora was beginning to suspect that she still had something to be gained in the social skills area, especially seeing as she was talking at a thousand miles an hour and swore quite a lot. Another girl had just appeared from the crowd, with lots of long dark hair and rich brown skin, hovering by Alex's elbow. Sora prayed she wasn't just really determined to ask Alex a load of questions, but it seemed Alex knew her because she'd greeted her briefly in the middle of one of her run-on sentences. The girl herself was more preoccupied with frowning and glancing backwards at the other students, quite a few of whom were still staring at them.

Sora arched a brow as Alex's garbled explanation came to a stumbling halt.

"So… yeah." She said. "That was… what happened."

"I gathered. Well done, Princess-"

"Don't call me princess. And I don't think it was my fault."

Well, that was a Tedros-worthy line. From what he knew of Tedros of Camelot, he'd been praying not to encounter a mini-him in his oldest child. Didn't seem to be any friendly fairy godmothers around to grant his wish, though, because Alex was tall, blonde and brash, as well.

Sora shrugged.

"Well, maybe not all of it, but I don't think telling twenty-odd of your new classmates to shut up, all at once, is a good move. Do you?"

Alex scowled and looked down at her feet. Sora turned to the other girl.

"Did you also shout at our new classmates? Are we starting a club? Shall I go over and tell them to shut up, too? Maybe we'll all get beaten up together."

The girl raised her eyebrows.

"Um, I don't think you'd get beaten up here."

"Hmm."

"And, anyway, no, I didn't."

"Congratulations. Who are you?"

The girl didn't look too impressed. "I'm Alex's roommate. Nadiya of Rajashah. And you are…?"

"Sora of Walleye Spring."

"Charmed." Sighed Nadiya. Alex looked up, suddenly tuned back in.

"Roommate?"

"I got our schedules whilst you were being mobbed." Said Nadiya mildly, handing Alex a slip of paper. "We're in the same room."

"Oh! Neat." Alex peered at her schedule, scrunching her brows a little.

Sora marvelled at her complete flip in attitude, but outwardly all he said was;

"If you're like your parents, I'm hurling myself straight off the belfry."

Alex's head snapped straight up, eyes narrowing.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she demanded.

Huh. Interesting.

"I'd prefer not to be put in mortal peril, or have to fight a manic witch or sorcerer, whilst still in training." He told her. "Just so we're clear, you are sure you're in the right school?"

Alex snorted, looking back down at her schedule, clearly satisfied he wasn't taking enough of a dig at her parents to concern her.

"I think my dad would have a stroke if I was in Evil, if only because he would have to interact even more with Sophie. Nah. If I'm meant to be here at all, it's in Good. I wouldn't cope in Evil. Too many green foods, warts, and leather clothing."

She paused.

"Hopefully. I mean, I never-"

"No, shut up, that's fine, don't talk more." Sora held up a hand, praying she wasn't actually having doubts. "Fine. Good. School for Good. No trying to swap, make a prince kiss your best friend so you can go home, or trying to get into the School Master's tower, or-"

"Cor, you've done some research, haven't you?" observed Alex. When he showed signs of arguing, she waved her hand, trying to shut him up. "Joking! I know, everyone knows!"

"But you're not going to cause-"

"No, no! I've already had this chat, mate, we're good. Fine. I will cause absolutely no trouble at all. Nothing."

Sora just looked at her. Behind her, Nadiya frowned.

Alex went pink. "I already said it wasn't intentional-"

Then her eyes shifted, moving to look at something behind him, and her protest was replaced with a gleeful hoot.

"Hah! Look at Dad's hair!"

To the other two's bemusement, Alex burst into cackles, and Sora sighed to himself.

The best word for how this year was looking, so far, was vastly inappropriate, so he settled on "interesting."


	9. Why Is It Always The Readers Who Get Bad Roommates?

If Marcy was being honest, it was all a bit much.

She sat on her bed in the grandeur of Charity 18, and listened to the passing chatter of girls heading up to their rooms. It was too much to take in.

Out of all the Reader applications, her hopefully naïve letter talking about her poodle and how she liked to read poetry had somehow been selected.

It was unreal.

She gazed at the gilded walls and polished mirrors, and marvelling at the quiet majesty of this place. It even had bejewelled water jugs on each nightstand. The School for Good was every bit as elegant and beautiful as she'd imagined, and she was fine to just sit here and take it all in, because she-

"18!"

BAM.

With an almighty bang, the door was rammed open so hard it nearly hit the wall, by some unknown force on the other side.

Marcy jumped, emitted a faint squeak, toppled off her bed and landed in a heap on the floor.

Footsteps, far too heavy for any of the girls she'd heard so far, echoed as the newcomer entered the room. Marcy's head was reeling, rattled from both the noise and her fall. What was happening? Who opened doors that hard? Pirates? Bandits? Murderers-

"Hey, are you okay?"

Didn't sound much like a bandit.

Spitting out her hair, Marcy peered up at who was stood over her.

Definitely not a bandit. Too blonde.

The figure stood over her was definitely a girl, albeit a tall one. She was dressed in man's clothes, and had a stance that was weirdly masculine, but otherwise looked pretty ordinary. She was no bandit, but she didn't seem like much of an Evergirl either.

Marcy suddenly became aware that she was sat on the floor in a daze and the girl was waiting for an answer.

She leapt to her feet, face scorching red.

"I'm fine. Fine! Just… um… was it you that opened the door?"

Now they were face to face (sort of, the girl was quite a bit taller than her), Marcy noticed something oddly familiar about her face, but she couldn't place it. Her long nose and big brown eyes were strangely recognisable, but the cheekbones, the hair…

Before Marcy could ponder further, the girl spoke again, suddenly looking a bit sheepish.

"Oh. Yeah, it was. Sorry, it was a bit loud. I didn't think there'd be anyone in here."

"Well, there was." Muttered Marcy. The other girl scuffed her boot on the floor.

"Yeah. Sorry. Uh, shall we start again? She smiled, and tucked her hands in her pockets. "Hi. What's your name?"

Marcy folded her arms, feeling a little defensive. In the space of about two minutes, this girl had almost rammed the door down, scaring her out of her wits, yet seemed pretty unbothered about it. Marcy hoped she wasn't meaning to seem rude.

"Marcy. Of Gav- of Woods Beyond." She said shortly, hoping the other would notice her displeasure.

She didn't. Instead, she lit up.

"Woods Beyond! That's where-"

A new voice cut in.

"Alex, when I said, let's go and find our room, I didn't think you'd ram the door down. Half our new neighbours are convinced they're going to be murdered."

The first girl- Alex- looked rather cowed by the newcomer's words.

"Oh. Oops. Sorry."

The girl in the doorway seemed a bit less full-on than Alex. She was shorter and slighter, with long silky dark hair and brown skin. She came into the room and closed the door carefully, and clearly wasn't sure whether to laugh or not as she approached.

"One girl had this big smudge of lipstick across her cheek after she jumped. She didn't seem to mind too much, luckily. Any of my cousins would have happily murdered you."

Alex risked a smile.

"Ah, well. I'll count myself lucky. Does it count as housewarming?"

The other girl grinned, stopping next to her.

"Not sure it does, unfortunately."

She turned to Marcy and smiled at her.

"I suppose she scared you silly as well?"

Marcy shrugged.

"I suppose."

"I did apologise!" protested Alex. "I am sorry. I didn't mean to." She added to Marcy. "I just got carried away."

Marcy didn't really know how to respond to that. Instead, she just said;

"It's fine. We were doing introductions?"

"Oh, yeah! That's right!" Alex beamed, bouncing on her heels. "You're Marcy. From Woods Beyond?"

"Yes."

The second girl nodded.

"Pleased to meet you, Marcy. I'm Nadiya of Rajashah. Woods Beyond, you said?"

Marcy nodded. "Please don't follow that up with anything about the Tale of Sophie and Agatha." She'd had enough of that already.

Alex and Nadiya looked and each other and grinned, Alex displaying crooked front teeth and dimples in both cheeks as she did so.

"Hah! Well, it's funny you should say that, because I was going to." Alex said brightly. "You see, I'm Alex of Camelot."

She blinked at Marcy, expecting a reaction. She didn't get one. Marcy just raised an eyebrow at her. The only connection she could see was that she and Tedros of Camelot were from the same place.

"Alex of Camelot? What's that got to do with-"

She stopped, suddenly looking a little harder. The eyes and nose. Her thick blonde hair. Her arched brows and high cheekbones and…

Alex.

Not Alexandra?

It seemed impossible. She knew they had children, but she'd never realised any were her age. And yes, there was an Alexandra.

But this Alex couldn't be a princess. No princess hurled open doors, or stood like that, or wore breeches.

(Did they?)

Because, if she was -and she seemed to be- you had to remember that her mother hadn't been the most conventional of princesses…

It was all too much for Marcy.

Princess Alexandra of Camelot.

"Oh my god, you're Agatha's daughter." She managed, and promptly passed out.

-

She came round quite abruptly on her bed, and found Alex and Nadiya arguing over her.

"Why did you do that?"

"My mom does it all the time to my dad when he faints, it works, promise-"

Nadiya interrupted.

"On the bed?"

Alex looked apologetic. "That was a lapse in judgement." she admitted.

Wondering what they were talking about, Marcy groaned, still feeling woozy, and moved a little, wondering why she felt so cold. She shifted a little more…

Then she realised was sopping wet.

She yelped, bolted upwards, and saw Alex holding the bejewelled water jug.

"See?" Alex beamed. "She's okay!"

"I'm soaked!" Marcy gasped.

"It's only your top half." Alex said brightly. "It's sunny, you'll dry soon." Then her face fell, and Marcy was certain she was going to apologise-

"Hey, you shouldn't be sitting up, that'll make it worse. How do you feel? Dizzy? Here, lie down-"

She tried to guide her back to lying down, but Marcy shoved her hands away, fuming.

"I'm fine." She snapped, hot with embarrassment. She'd come here with such high hopes, and now this human hurricane of a girl had come bursting in, scared her by practically breaking the door down, provided a completely inadequate apology, and chucked water on her brand new blouse (and new bed) that her uncle had bought her, with what little they had, specifically for today.

And she was Marcy's favourite character's daughter.

There was a pause. Marcy didn't look up.

Alex suddenly seemed to realise that something was wrong.

"Are you… um, angry at me?" she asked.

"A little." Said Marcy through gritted teeth.

"Oh." In the corner of her vision, Alex slumped. "I'm sorry. I was just trying to bring you round. I didn't think."

Marcy ignored her, wringing out her red curls, watching a little puddle of water form on the floor.

"You can have my bed, if you like." Alex offered. "If yours isn't dry."

Marcy still didn't reply. She had no idea how this situation could possibly get any worse. She was completely humiliated in front of the two girls, thanks to the one who was rapidly emerging as a nightmare roommate, and she'd barely known them for ten minutes.

Groaning, she stood up and wandered over into a patch of sun. She could tell the other two were staring at her. As long as no one else saw her like this-

A bell rang in the hall.

"What was that?" asked Marcy, turning to the other two-

Both were staring at her, suddenly horrified.

"What? What was that?"

Nadiya glanced at Alex and cleared her throat.

"Um… that was the bell for the Welcoming." She said reluctantly.

"Which means what?"

"We've… got to go downstairs. With everyone else. Evers and Nevers."

Marcy stared at her.

"Oh, and the teachers." Added Alex, immensely unhelpfully.

She began to tick people off on her fingers, and as each one passed, Marcy's stomach dropped a little more. "And the wolves. And fairies. Oh, and the deans- ow!" She yelped as Nadiya stood on her foot. "What?"

Marcy had been terribly wrong.

This wasn't a bit too much. It was way too much.

The other two must have noticed her distress, or maybe she'd made some sort of noise.

Alex hefted the water jug.

"You're not going to faint again, are you?"

Marcy could have screamed.


	10. These Dogs Are Still Alive For Plot Devices And Comic Relief Don't @ Me

Alex's jacket really was too big for Marcy.

The three of them joined the crowd of girls sweeping down from the tower, Alex walking a little sheepishly behind Marcy and Nadiya. The mix of her height and men's clothes, with Marcy's wet hair, oversized jacket and furrowed brow, drew stares as they descended the staircase. Some people probably recognised Alex from her outburst earlier.

(Or maybe most people. She could shout quite loudly.)

Nadiya caught sight of Marcy frowning in Alex's direction, and wondered if this was signalling some sort of feud between her two roommates. She hoped not. Alex seemed far too amiable to be getting in a feud with anyone, anyway-

Someone behind her giggled, and the thud of boots and sudden increase in volume around them immediately signalled the arrival of the Everboys. Nadiya, interested to see the other half of the Evers, peered around as the boys fell into step with the girls, most sauntering along with an oddly familiar swagger-

Nadiya caught sight of Alex in front of her and realised why it was familiar. She nearly laughed- that'd be where it had come from, then. No doubt every Everboy who'd ever attended this place, and fancied themselves charismatic and charming, had walked like that. Clearly, Alex had picked it up from a certain someone.

She pictured Alex as a little girl, sauntering alongside her father with that peacocking gait, and smothered a snort.

"Why is your roommate damp and wearing Alex's jacket?"

Nadiya sighed as Sora drew up beside her.

"Don't ask. How did you know she was our roommate?"

"I heard her telling another girl just now. Not sure she has the highest opinion of Alex."

"Marcy? Yes, she's not too pleased. Hopefully, she'll cool off."

"Has she not already done that?"

"Funny. No, Alex threw a jug of water on her because she passed out."

"Ah."

"She was only trying to help."

"I don't doubt it." Muttered Sora. He leaned forwards and prodded Alex in the back. "Well, hello, not-Alexandra! Walk with a charming young man?"

Alex looked incredulous.

"Charming?"

"It's a matter of opinion, Pendragon."

"Obviously."

Even so, Alex dropped back to walk with them as they tramped out of the doors and turned towards the sleek black towers of Evil. The Theatre of Tales had been located in the School for Evil ever since Dean Sophie had taken over. Their winning streak in the School was over twenty-five years old, now, and every year of Evers had vowed to end it, only to be defeated again and again. Nadiya had no idea how they did it. Most people assumed Dean Sophie was rigging it, or that Professor Dovey had just been getting too old.

Maybe now that they had a new Dean for Good, it might all change.

(Maybe?)

-

The students of Evil greeted them as cordially as you might expect- by jeering and pelting them with pieces of their pews.

Seated on their side of the split theatre, they hung off their pews like demented monkeys, hurling insults and missiles in turn across the fairy and wolf guarded aisle, as the Evers filed through the west doors towards their crystal pews. Separated by the silver aisle they may have been, but it was still impossible to ignore the other school.

The Evers, for the most part, ignored the taunts, but a couple of particularly defensive Everboys had to be yanked away from the Evil pews by fairies.

Nadiya winced as a piece of black onyx bounced off her collarbone. Then she frowned as she noticed how hard it was.

"How are they even breaking it off? It's stone!"

"I think there used to be decorative stuff on the top of the pews that was thinner." Sora caught it and tossed it back, causing several rude gestures to be flung their way.

"Not anymore, clearly." Muttered Nadiya, eyeing the ragged tops of the pews.

She could see Marcy sat a couple of rows in front of them, with some other girls, trying her hardest to ignore the stares from the other students, still noticing her damp hair and Alex's jacket draped over her shoulders.

Nadiya felt a rather irrational twinge of guilt, even though it hadn't got a whole lot to do with her. (Although she probably should have worked out what was about to happen when Alex grabbed that jug).

Speaking of Alex, she was currently returning one of the Never's gestures, laughing, and ignoring their dirty looks.

"Aw, man. I wonder where June is?"

Nadiya and Sora stared at her as they all sat down, Alex still peering into the Never pews.

Sora posed the question;

"Who's June?"

Alex blinked, turning back to them.

"Oh, she's my friend."

"In Evil?" said Nadiya incredulously.

"Sure!" said Alex brightly. "Our parents are friends, see, but Hest and Ani would rather die than have kids, and so June is like the Coven baby, even though she's only related to Dot. They bring her when they visit, although they pretend they don't want to. June's a love."

Sora stared at her.

"All the people from The Tale of Sophie and Agatha's- you're friends with all their kids?"

"What? No, that'd be dumb, there's far too many, most of them don't see us often, or at all. I think Bea and Reena have a kid, but they're always on the sea, and she's around Marcus and Ros's age-"

Nadiya interrupted.

"Wait, wait. This June- she's Dot's daughter?"

"Yeah! We're the first Tale of Sophie and Agatha kids to come here, I think."

"Are there… lots of them?" ventured Nadiya.

"I dunno." Yawned Alex. "I don't know my parent's friends too well. I mean, lots of their main friends died in the war, or didn't have kids, like Sophie, or Hort, or married other people and tried to live a normal life, like literally everyone else. Actually, some legged it for some uncharted kingdom to get out of the mess of the main Endless Woods. Pretty sure none of the original Everboy group apart from my dad and Chaddick are around anymore. Can't say I blame them."

Nadiya had no idea what to say to that, but Sora opened his mouth-

"Welcome to the School for Good and Evil!" trilled a sing-song voice from the front.

Everyone turned.

"Oh, great." Said Alex.

-

The great brown dog patrolled the silver stage in front of them, two starkly different heads protruding from its hulking body. The first snarled as its mean, glittering eyes swept over the students in the pews, displaying huge teeth and foaming jaws, and splattering the stage with drool.

The second looked like a toy poodle; cute, and could have passed for cuddly without the presence of the second head, who looked like he'd eat you if you looked at him funny. The nice head looked like he'd knock on your cottage door and offer you a coupon for the Salt Baths of Shazabah, as long as you agreed to sign up for weekly pigeon mail for the rest of your life, and possibly some of your next. The second head did seem to be in charge, though, or at least thought he was.

"I am Pollux, Welcoming Leader-"

"AND I'M CASTOR, AND I AIN'T AN ASSISTANT WELCOMING LEADER NO MORE. I GOT A PROMOTION, UNLIKE THIS PANSY, AND WE'RE ON PAR NOW. BUT DON'T WORRY, I STILL EAT KIDS. OFTEN."

A couple of Evers gulped. Alex snorted.

"Thank you, Castor." Said Pollux sourly. "As I was saying, welcome! Some of you are here because your souls are purer than others-"

"AND SOME OF YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOUR SOULS ARE SHI-"

"Thank you, Castor!" interrupted Pollux shrilly. Then, in a (still very audible) whisper: "I told you just because you got a "promotion" doesn't mean you need to try and upgrade your normal speech!"

Castor sniggered. Pollux sniffed, trying to regain his composure.

"My apologies, students. As I was saying, all souls are fundamentally Good or Evil, and they cannot be changed." He eyed the Never pews doubtfully. "Although I'm not sure why you would want to…"

Evers and Nevers exchanged disparaging glances across the aisle.

"At any rate, you are here because you have the strongest pull to one of the sides, whether it be Good or Evil. You will be trained to be the best of Good or Evil, before venturing out into the Endless Woods to fight and quest for yourselves, maintaining your values and lessons from this school. It will be a constant competition between Good and Evil, and we will start it now, with the Ever Never challenge, which pits you against each other, to win this Theatre, and the Snow Ball for your school, amongst other things-"

"And we'll win!" roared someone in the Never pews, and the students of Evil erupted into raucous cheers.

"We've won every year since Dean Sophie came in!"

"Good always lose now!"

"We're finally winning everything!"

"GOOD ARE LOSERS!" boomed a tall boy from the front of the Evil pews.

The Nevers cheered again, louder this time.

Slighted, the Evers exploded into their own chants, and soon the whole school was scrambling to their feet;

"VICTORY FOR EVIL! VICTORY FOR EVIL! VICTORY FOR EVIL-!"

"BREAK THE STREAK! BREAK THE STREAK! BREAK THE STREAK-!"

"God, they're bad at chants." Said Sora.

"VICTORY-!"

"BREAK IT-!"

Pollux shouted something, but everyone either ignored him or didn't hear him.

He tried again, louder this time, something about rules. When that still went unnoticed, his voice rose to a shriek-

And it was pretty evident everyone was just ignoring him by now.

Pollux deflated.

Castor was grooming himself.

Both sides were getting increasingly rowdy as the chants grew in volume- Everboys were grappling with fairies to try and reach the taunting Nevers, and Nevers were pelting Evergirls with gruel. Nadiya was pretty sure she'd seen some boots go soaring over to the other side, hurled by both schools, and had to duck what she swore blind was a live rooster-

She staggered back up and was bemused to see the nonchalance with which the other two were treating the chaos.

Alex was both chatting to Sora, and returning Never missiles with a rather impressive throwing arm, at the same time. Quite a lot of the Evers were cowering in the pews, or fighting, so this was a confusing change-

"Well, I never! What… um, spirit!"

A new voice cut through the chaos, one that no one seemed to recognise.

Caught off guard, the students turned back to the front.

The melee ground to a halt as two women were ascended the steps to stand with Pollux and Castor.

The woman on the Never's side, everyone knew.

Dean Sophie slunk onto the stage, purple train sweeping behind her, blonde locks elegantly coiffed and not showing a hint of grey, despite the fact she was definitely over forty now- in fact, she looked remarkably youthful in general. Nadiya didn't bother wondering how, or why.

She was a witch, after all.

She smiled indulgently at her students, but she looked somewhat fixed as if she was irritated and trying not to show it.

The woman on the Ever's side looked to be the reason why.

She was the one who had spoken, and she practically skipped to Pollux's side, beaming all the while. She was dressed in a yellow gown to rival the sun, stitched with flowers, and her blonde hair was yanked into a tight bun.

She stopped by the dogs and beamed down at the students, who were all taking their seats, befuddled.

"Hello, children! I'm so impressed by your spirit. I am-"

Sophie interrupted her.

"Thank you, Castor and Pollux. As I'm sure you've guessed, we are your deans. I am Dean Sophie, of the School for Evil, better known as the protagonist of the Tale of Sophie and Agatha, or Grand High Witch Ultimate!"

She mustered up a smile for the students, only some of whom looked impressed.

"Also modest, clearly." Muttered Sora. Alex rolled her eyes.

"This is mild for her. You've never heard her trying to out-do my parents in terms of impressive achievements."

Nadiya had forgotten Alex was related to Sophie, and there was very little in the way of apparent similarities between the two.

"And, with the retirement of my long-time colleague, Professor Clarissa Dovey, I'm pleased to announce the School for Good has a new dean in my new partner, Ida Cromwell."

She didn't look very pleased to announce it. Nadiya wondered why she seemed to dislike her so much. Then again, Dean Sophie was notoriously petty, so maybe it was nothing.

The Evers clapped dutifully. The Nevers didn't, naturally.

Sophie went to speak again, but Pollux butted in, clearly getting a head start in sucking up to his new boss.

"Maybe you'd like to say a few words, to us all, Professor?"

The yellow-clad woman smiled at them with blindingly white teeth.

"Thank you, Master Pollux, I would love to!"

Pollux looked very pleased with being addressed as master. Castor rolled his eyes.

"But first, I'd like to say how proud I am, to have been selected to be the dean of such a legendary school, working alongside such great colleagues-" Here, she cast Sophie a fawning smile, which Sophie did not return, in favour of examining her nails- "and getting to teach such promising students, with… um, lots of enthusiasm!"

She was clearly thinking of the recent brawl, but she recovered quickly.

"And I'm sure I can lead you all to be the great heroes I know you want to be!"

"Nah, I wanna be a magic daisy." Muttered Alex to Nadiya.

Nadiya snorted but quickly disguised it as a cough when some of their classmates looked their way.

"Thank you, everyone! I'll see you in class!"

She stepped back to another lukewarm round of applause.

Sora sighed deeply. Nadiya elbowed him.

"Don't be so judgy. She's enthusiastic, at least."

"There's something I don't like about her." Muttered Sora.

Nadiya frowned. "You should give her a chance."

When Sora looked unconvinced, she sighed.

"What is it, then?"

"It's just-"

Pollux started talking again, cutting him off.

"Thank you, Deans! Now, for the rules!"

Everyone groaned.


	11. No Ur Mom Jokes Were Used In This Chapter (Somehow)

It seemed to Marcy that not even getting uniform was easy when it involved Alex.

She'd been returning from the bathroom the following morning to their arrival when she'd heard it;

"I don't suppose you have anything a little less… uh, hot pink dress-y?"

The retreating nymph turned back around to see Alex hanging out of the door of Charity 18, clad in their newly-delivered Evergirl uniform- a hot pink dress with gold embroidery, finer than Marcy had ever seen in her life.

The nymph's lack of response obviously suggested to Alex she might need a bit of a better argument.

"Not that I have much against pink, but it makes me look a bit peaky, you know? Also, I'm not feeling the transparent-y bit, or the mesh stuff here, on the chest."

She gestured to the offending materials. The nymph stared at her.

Alex tried again.

"Look, it's just not my thing, really. Do you have any posh breeches in there?"

The nymph looked down in her basket, then back up.

"The Everboy's uniform has breeches, but-"

"Ooh, fab, do you have extras?"

"Well, yes-"

"Can I have one of them?" Alex trotted down the hall, and Marcy did have to admit that the dress didn't really suit her. Her height and broad shoulders made it look a bit odd- or maybe it was just her obvious discomfort in it. "I bet that's got a good shirt and waistcoat too, yeah?

Several other girls had stopped to watch, now. Nadiya was stood in the doorway of their room, grinning.

Marcy prayed she wasn't going to get dragged into this, somehow.

The nymph gazed at Alex, incredulous.

"You can't wear the Everboy uniform. You're a girl."

Alex groaned.

"So? I look stupid in dresses, look!" she waved a hand vaguely around her body. "I'm not elegant enough for 'em. I look a bit like an ostrich. Too much leg and neck."

She bobbed her head a little bit.

The nymph's eye twitched. Nadiya doubled over in silent giggles.

"It's not… it doesn't say you can, in the rules."

"Yeah, it also doesn't say I can't." pointed out Alex. "I know the uniforms are enchanted to fit you. Please? This really isn't my thing."

She fluffed the skirt pointedly, showing knobbly, slightly scarred knees. The nymph folded her arms.

"I don't think so."

Alex groaned.

"But why not?"

"It's not… proper. Of a Princess."

That clearly hit a nerve. Alex's eyes narrowed-

"What's happening here?"

Most of the girls scrambled for their rooms as another figure entered the corridor. The nymph drooped like a dying plant, relieved.

"Professor Anemone, you must be able to help me. She is refusing to wear the girl's uniform. She wants the boy's."

Marcy peered at the approaching Beautification teacher, curious. Her wide eyes and wild white hair, once blonde, gave her the look of a slightly manic bird, (though not Alex's ostrich.) She studied Alex curiously, while the nymph glowered at her over the professor's shoulder. Alex glowered back-

Anemone gasped and burst into a huge, beaming, smile.

"Oh! I've only ever seen one person scowl like that before!"

Alex dropped her scowl, bewildered.

"Huh?"

"Alexandra! Alexandra of Camelot- wait, Agatha told me you prefer Alex, is that right?"

"Um, yeah-"

"Oh, dear, how I've waited for this day!"

Their professor practically skipped forwards-

And stopped, looking at her properly. Then she looked back at the nymph. Then Alex.

"You want the boy's uniform?"

Alex nodded slowly.

Anemone leaned forwards, squinting at her closely.

"You do look awfully uncomfortable in that dress." She said. Alex scrunched her brow.

"Well, yeah, I don't really feel good about it-"

She'd barely finished the sentence before Anemone had swooped down on the nymph and begun to rifle in her basket.

"Why didn't you say so, child?"

"I, uh, did?"

Anemone didn't hear her.

"How can I possibly teach students who are uncomfortable in their uniforms? How can I teach girls to be confident and beautiful if they're not happy with what they're wearing, let alone themselves! Oh, dear me!"

Marcy, watched, bewildered, as Anemone wrenched out various items of clothing with reckless abandon, and piled them all in Alex's arms, as she stood there, stunned.

"Go on, dear!" she waved her towards the rooms- wise, seeing as Alex showed no sign of moving anytime soon. "Get dressed! You'll miss breakfast!"

Naturally, that was what spurred Alex into action.

-

"You got lucky." Sora concluded ten minutes later.

Nadiya had to agree.

"Yeah, you did." She told Alex, who nodded cheerfully, cramming another piece of honeycomb into her mouth and ignoring baffled stares from other Everboys. They'd only been at breakfast for ten minutes, and already Alex was attracting bewildered students and teachers-

Another boy approached the table. Nadiya groaned internally. She only wanted to eat her porridge in peace, damn it!

He'd not reached them, however, before another voice cut in.

"Excuse me, dears!"

Sora and Nadiya exchanged glances as a woman swanned up to their table, her bright yellow dress almost blinding this early in the morning.

Dean Cromwell stopped by them and smiled, but it was clear this was no morning small talk. She got straight to the point.

"May I ask a question?"

Sora opened his mouth. Nadiya anticipated a "you already have" remark, but before he could get that far, Alex kicked him surreptitiously under the table and swallowed her mouthful.

"Sure, professor. Fire away."

The older woman looked a little bemused at her casual address.

"Ah, yes... well. I was only going to ask why you appear to be dressed in the boy's uniform… um… what's your name, dear?"

"Alex, professor."

"Alex…andra?"

Alex's face soured a little at the use of her full name.

"Yes. I suppose. I prefer Alex."

Cromwell smiled tightly.

"Oh, of course. Well, Alexandra," (Alex frowned) "I must say that I wasn't aware girls were allowed to wear the boy's uniform."

Alex shrugged, becoming noticeably less friendly as she did so.

"Well, neither was I, but I figured it didn't hurt to ask. Professor Anemone said it was fine. I just didn't feel so good about the dress, you know? Not my thing."

At the mention of Anemone's name, Cromwell's smile had wavered a little.

"I… I see. Is that what you told Professor Anemone?"

Alex's eyes narrowed a little.

"Yeah. It was. She seemed to think it was okay."

Everyone within earshot was listening now. Students craned their necks, leaning off benches to get a good view of their new dean and Alex. It seemed most people were expecting a kick-off in the style of the previous day. Nadiya prayed there wouldn't be, and, by the look on Marcy's face, she was, too. Then again, after yesterday's debacle, it was predictable she'd think that. She'd basically ignored Alex all of last night, despite Alex's attempts to chat to her.

Cromwell nodded, almost patronisingly.

"Okay, well… it's just I have a tiny concern… you understand, of course. I only worry that it's not… necessarily quite proper of a girl who may one day graduate to be a princess or a queen, is it?"

Everyone fell silent. Students looked at each other, stunned.

Nadiya wondered why everyone here seemed to be obsessed with stuff being proper.

"She doesn't know!" Hissed a girl nearby.

Slowly, everyone looked back at Alex, who didn't seem to have a response beyond her eyebrows creeping higher and higher.

Cromwell ploughed on, oblivious to the goggling (and giggling) students around her.

"I am only trying to help you all achieve your very best, you must understand-"

Alex cut her off.

"It's funny, actually. That's more or less what Professor Anemone said to me."

Cromwell stared at her.

"Guess you have different opinions on how to do that." Alex said mildly and returned to her porridge.

"And you all think I'm bad." Murmured Sora to Nadiya.

It took Cromwell a few seconds to collect herself and to reconstruct her smile, which she did with the precision of an architect. She took a deep breath.

"Alexandra… do your parents let you wear men's clothes? At home?"

"Uh, yeah. Actually." Said Alex, scraping her bowl.

"And… well, do you see a lot of your parents? Do you think they have your best interests at heart?"

There was a pregnant pause.

Slowly, Alex turned back around to look back at the dean.

"Oh my god. Oh no. Oh no." mumbled someone sat behind them. Several people were visibly cringing. Even Sora looked pained.

Alex blinked once or twice.

"Are you accusing my parents of being neglectful, and letting me develop bad habits?" she asked bluntly. Cromwell looked uncomfortable.

"Well, I mean-"

Alex cut her off yet again.

"Professor, do you agree with Queen Agatha of Camelot's views and actions? Generally?"

Cromwell blinked.

"I don't see what this has to do with your uniform."

"But do you?"

"Well… of course. I hold her majesty in very high esteem."

"Mhm. And… uh, King Tedros? Do you think he's a good man?"

"Naturally, I do." Declared Dean Cromwell.

"Lovely. Do you think they'd raise their children right, then?"

Cromwell nodded emphatically.

"Why, of course!"

Sora and Nadiya both realised what Alex was doing at the same time. Sora looked proud, naturally. Nadiya wanted to hide under the table.

She could not deal with second-hand embarrassment, but that was clearly where this was headed-

"Professor, do you know the name of King Tedros and Queen Agatha's eldest daughter?" Alex asked cheerfully.

Cromwell blinked.

"I believe it's-"

She stopped, and the colour went out of her cheeks.

Slowly, her eyes went back to Alex, who was smirking in a very recognisable manner.

"It's… it's Alexandra." She said weakly.

No one spoke for a few seconds.

"Is, like… confetti necessary here?" mused Sora into the silence. "A brass band? Perhaps a sizeable bouquet of flowers?"

Several people laughed.

Alex smiled at Cromwell, who was now flaming scarlet. Nadiya resisted the urge to put her head on the table and try to ignore the awkwardness radiating off her.

"Don't worry, professor, as I told Nadiya, it's a very common name. But I'm sure you'll be pleased to know my parents are very supportive of me. "

Cromwell mouthed wordlessly. Alex smiled at her.

"So, can I carry on wearing the boy's uniform? After all, I think my parents would prefer me to be comfortable, rather than… what did you say? Proper."

And, really, there was not a lot Cromwell could say to that.

Slowly, she nodded, looking like she'd never wanted to do anything less in her life.

"I shall write to… um, your parents, and check that they approve… but… I suppose so."

Alex beamed.

"Aw, brill! Thanks a bunch, professor."

And, with that, she returned to the food.


	12. Breakfast Entertainment feat. Lover's Quarrels and Smoothies

"-and so I had to, didn't I? So I have to write to your sister, now, and check that she really is allowed to wear breeches at home-"

"Or, Ida, you could just ask me."

Ida Cromwell sighed as Sophie swept out of her walk-in closet, trailing purple silk and black pearls, and delivering a strong waft of lavender as she did so.

"I am her aunt. I imagine I can tell you."

She sat down at her vanity and started checking her hair. Cromwell waited for an answer.

She didn't get one.

"… Well? Does she?"

Sophie sighed dramatically.

"Alex is lots of things, darling, but she's not a liar. Yes, I don't think I've seen her in a skirt since she was seven. Aggie and Teddy couldn't care less. Save yourself the trouble. Classes start in an hour."

Cromwell frowned.

"It just doesn't seem right. It's a problem, for me-"

"If that's your idea of a problem, Ida, you won't cope with these schools."

Sophie stood and began choosing jewellery.

"I have actual problems. Like the fact Hort won't stop trying to gift me hydrangeas- ghastly things- ever since we had our fight, and that imports of kale from Maidenvale are dropping worryingly-"

Ida rolled her eyes and turned to gaze out of Sophie's window.

"-and, I have a student who shouldn't even be here at all!"

That got her attention.

"What?" she demanded, turning back from the window. "What do you mean?"

Sophie fixed her with a piercing green stare.

"While you've been worrying about my niece wearing a waistcoat, I have discovered that one of my students has been replaced on the way."

"What? How?"

"It seems that the intended student, Eli of Foxwood, was shoved off his stymph just as it took off, by a Thorne of Ravenswood- who then took his place. We didn't know until the Welcoming; we got a letter from Eli's mother, who didn't seem particularly distressed. Apparently, they found Eli in a swamp a few hours later. He was fine, they say. But Thorne resisted all attempts to bring him to me, and last I knew, he was camping out in the Exhibition of Evil. Although he may have gone to breakfast. The promise of a nutritious start to the day may be enough to move him."

Ida stared at her, wondering if she was possibly a bit mad.

"Well... what are you going to do?" she asked, deciding to ignore the breakfast comment.

Sophie pursed her lips.

"The School Master has yet to interfere. And… well, Thorne has certainly proven himself Evil. The two together would suggest that… well, maybe it was one of the School Master's tests, albeit a bit risky. But it's made the other students steer clear of him, that's for sure."

Cromwell stared at her. She didn't seem as worried as someone would reasonably be.

"So… you're not concerned?"

Sophie smiled thinly.

"I'll certainly say that I've seen worse in my time. At least he hasn't burnt down a tower yet."

-

Thorne had, in fact, gone to breakfast.

"He's going to like… burn down a tower, or something."

Tattooed, plump, June and scrawny, mean-eyed Morgan peered down their table at the boy skulking at the end.

"Don't be stupid, that'll be Alex." Dismissed June. "But I don't like the look of him."

Morgan stared down the table, a bit too obvious for June's liking.

"I didn't expect you to. Look at that crop of acne."

June blew out her cheeks, exasperated.

"I don't like the sound of him, then. I heard that he killed three deer and a wild boar trying to get on that stymph, then he stabbed that kid with one of its bones and threw him into a lake."

"Wow." Morgan goggled at Thorne again, this time with a little less aggression and a little more admiration. "That's pretty cool."

"Hah!"

The two Nevergirls turned to see the Reader kid, Luca, leaning across the table. He didn't look very remarkable, June decided, with his bird's nest of brown hair and knobbly hands. But he was so lacking in social graces, and so rude, that he sort of made up for his remarkably average looks.

"That's nothing compared to what my roommates told me. They said that he killed three people and burned down the whole Stymph Forest."

"Uh, it's still there, that's crap." Declared their other roommate, goat-horned Hilda, stabbing a finger at the windows of Sophie's revolving dinner hall, from which they could indeed see the (decidedly not incinerated) forest in the distance.

Luca bristled indignantly.

"I didn't say it was true, it was just what I heard!" he defended. "Just because you were stupid enough to think-"

Morgan cut him off, back to June.

"Shut up, Luca."

Hilda smirked.

"Let's see if he commits mass murder on the way to the salad bar."

June glanced over, to see the lanky kid haul himself up from his spot on the bench and, indeed, begin an almost comically slow saunter over to the salad bar.

But it seemed they weren't the only ones to have heard rumours about him.

As Thorne made his leisurely way across the hall, it was clear his reputation was already well founded. Students scattered in his wake, eyes were averted, and the kids already at the salad bar suddenly decided they no longer wanted any salad.

The hall was completely silent as Thorne wandered up to the table and leaned over.

Everyone held their breath-

He took a handful of bacon bits (the only concession to Sophie's healthy eating regime, prompted by her time masquerading as Filip in the School for Boy), crammed them in his mouth, and returned to the table.

"You're all pathetic." Grumbled Hilda as the chatter resumed like nothing had just happened- which, to be fair, it hadn't. June shrugged.

"Got to check out these things, love." She told her, casting another mournful glance at her rather too green plate. "Don't suppose he could catch us any decent food though, could he? Must be fast, to have caught a stymph, and Hester says there are rabbits in the Blue Forest…"

Hilda frowned at her.

"Can't you turn it into-"

June cast her a withering glare.

"I'll take that as a no." Hilda grumbled.

"You think Alex can grant wishes?" demanded June.

"I don't know, actually. Can she?"

"No, you cretin! Just like I can't turn stuff into chocolate!"

"Oh, right."

Morgan finished scraping her plate into the decorative shrubbery, covered it half-heartedly in leaves, and yawned widely, showing her sharpened canines.

"We'll order from takeaways like Hester wrote in your handbook. And we can steal from Evers."

June snorted.

"If we ask Alex, she'll probably just give it to us. Not a malicious bone in her body. And she hates fancy food. We've got a free meal."

"Huh. Reckon she could get us breakfast as well?" Mused Morgan, peering over at the spires of Good. "I could go for honeycomb."

"Maybe. Better hope we're in the same forest group."

Hilda scowled.

"Alex this, Alex that- she's an Ever, June! We're meant to be competing against each other, don't forget."

June shrugged.

"Well, sure, but she's a laugh. There are no rules saying Evers and Nevers can't be friends-"

Hilda opened her mouth-

"-anymore." June finished pointedly. Hilda shut her mouth, eyeing one of Sophie's stained glass windows, one of the many depicting Sophie and Agatha together.

Speaking of Sophie…

The doors banged open behind them, and they all turned to see their Dean sweep into the hall, Hort and Castor trailing after her-

Thorne leapt to his feet.

"Ooh." Said Morgan.

Then all hell broke loose.

Thorne vaulted the dinner table and broke into a dead sprint towards the doors as the rest of the Nevers surged to their feet for a better view.

Castor and Hort both lunged, but Thorne dodged them both and leapt over another table, veering to the left and sending students scrambling out of his path as he tore towards the doors from a different angle.

Luca whistled, watching Hort stumble over a bench and crash into Castor as the two fumbled after Thorne.

"He's fast."

"He is." Agreed Morgan, as spinach splattered against the wall from an overturned plate. "This should be interesting."

June couldn't help but grin, watching Hort and Castor try and disentangle themselves and Thorne shove some kid into a vat of cucumber juice-

Then she remembered Sophie was there.

She spun, but their dean was still stood exactly where she'd been before, checking her nails. Hilda looked incredulous.

"Is she just trying to make Hort and Castor look like idiots?"

June remembered her mother's news of Sophie and Hort's fight and decided it was a distinct possibility.

Hort tripped over the salad bar and went headfirst into the kale.

The Nevers cheered. June grimaced.

"Poor old Hort."

Then Castor burst out from under the table, snarling like a rabid wolf, and leapt two students and a table, and June forgot about Hort.

"I can't believe we get breakfast entertainment!" crowed Luca.

"Why aren't they using the wolves?" boomed Morgan.

June decided Hilda's theory about Sophie trying to make Hort look like an idiot now had some serious weight behind it.

Thorne had nearly reached the doors by now, but just as he scrambled towards them, Castor skidded out of nowhere and crashed into his ankles, sending both of them into a table.

The Nevers cheered even more. Sophie was onto her cuticles now.

Thorne popped up from the wreckage like a demented jack-in-the-box, spiked brown hair sticking every which way and covered in smoothie.

"Forget the wolves, this is amazing." Sighed Morgan as Hort finally managed to extract himself from the kale and went careening towards the other two, swearing, with leaves in his hair.

Thorne leapt up, cast Hort a very rude gesture, and turned to take the final sprint as the two teachers lunged for him-

Hort tripped over his cloak, Castor crashed into him, and they both missed and landed in a heap on the floor.

The students roared their approval as Thorne reached the doors-

And, with a crack like the snap of a whip, was knocked off his feet by a bolt of pink light.

He skidded three feet on his stomach, groaning, and stopped at a pair of heeled feet.

"Ooooohhhh." Went the crowd.

"Oh, man." Muttered June.

"Ow." Groaned Hort behind them.

Everyone ignored him, in favour of what was unfolding with their Dean.

Panting, Thorne looked up at Sophie.

"Thorne, is it?"

The Witch of Woods Beyond smiled grimly.

"I've been waiting to meet you."


	13. HA! GAY!

"SIT UP!"

Professor Aleksander Lucas cracked his cane on one of the front desks, and twenty Everboys jolted upwards.

Talib was fairly sure the timetable here was arranged to make them suffer. First, they'd had a free period where they were "advised" (read: required) to use the gym, straight after breakfast. Now they were sat in a classroom with the doddering old chivalry teacher who seemed to have it out for them all.

Lucas stalked the blue glass aisles in the manner of a hunting cougar, and the boys tried to both avoid eye contact and any accidental unchivalrous behaviour - which, according to the textbook they'd been given, entitled The Good Prince's Guide to Chivalry, (which was so thick Talib was fairly certain it could be used as a weapon), avoiding breaches of etiquette was virtually impossible.

"This class is challenging! This class is demanding! This class will take your arrogance and complacency and smash it to pieces with a mallet!" boomed Lucas, brandishing his cane like a sword and narrowly missing a few boys' heads. "After a mere week of these lessons I fully expect your decorum to be at an all-time high- tuck your shirt in, lad, lest your prospects look very dim indeed- and your standard of chivalry to be worthy of the finest knights in the Woods!"

"So no pressure then." Murmured a boy behind him. Talib bit back a grin.

"So, today, we are beginning with an Introduction to Female Thinking!"

Talib's grin turned into a frown.

"Some of my colleagues are of the opinion that this unit is unnecessary, but I disagree, and this is my lesson, so I can do what I like. As you will all be looking for a prospective princess, understanding the way that the opposite sex thinks is paramount to your potential romances! Yes- what's your name lad?"

It was the boy behind him again. He got straight to the point.

"Sora of Walleye Spring, sir. This is… uh, weird. And a full of assumptions."

"Elaborate, Sora of Walleye Spring." Commanded Lucas, lifting his cane in a slightly threatening manner. Talib was starting to suspect he didn't actually need it to walk.

Sora didn't sound particularly nervous, however. Just unimpressed.

"Acting as if boys and girls are completely different species or something is what caused all that chaos a few years back with the Schools for Boy and Girl. Also, assuming that every boy in here is going to immediately be looking for a princess is presumptuous. And could end up making us more arrogant and complacent. Which I don't think anyone wants."

Silence fell. Someone in the back row snorted.

Stunned, Talib twisted around to look at this boy- Sora.

Sora was probably a couple of inches shorter than him, with thick dark hair and narrow eyes of a similar shade. He was watching Lucas with a slightly arched brow as he spluttered to answer.

"Well- I mean- look, boy, this is just- I only-"

At his lack of answer, some of the other boys had started to mutter, and Talib was noticing several approving (and some less approving) glances being cast Sora's way.

Lucas finally managed to get his words out- and also get his composure back, plus some extra aggression:

"You think I haven't heard that one before?" he demanded, pointing a knobbly finger at Sora. As he started to answer, he stabbed it at him. "-don't answer that, you smart aleck. I taught this unit to every successful Everboy there's ever been- Robin Hood, Arthur and Lancelot, Tedros of Camelot-"

Sora snorted.

"Poster boys of female appreciation and understanding, truly. Didn't Arthur force Guinevere to marry him, then act surprised when she ran off with Lancelot? And I heard Robin Hood generally heads to bars to hang around with other women who aren't Maid Marian-"

Lucas cut him off, glaring at him.

"So I don't care what some jumped up first year says, Sora of Walleye Spring, Dean Cromwell has made it clear she approves of my traditional curriculum, and I will not let some fourteen year old with no experience of the world tell me what to do!"

Sora muttered something that sounded an awful lot like "I'm fifteen." Talib only just reined in a snort.

Lucas didn't hear, thankfully, and turned back to the front of the classroom, clearly feeling he'd won.

Sora's face soured, and while Lucas seemed to think it was over, Sora obviously didn't agree. He stayed silent nonetheless, but as Lucas settled himself into his chair, it was clear he wasn't going to let this go.

Fascinated, Talib looked back at this boy, full of questions- and as he did so, Sora caught his eye.

He smiled.

It was only for a second, just long enough for Talib to notice how his cheeks dimpled a little, and how the glint in his eye became much more pronounced-

And then it was gone, and Sora's gaze shifted back to the front, to where Lucas was already picking on some students. Stunned, Talib turned back to the front as well, trying to focus, and wondering why his face suddenly felt so hot.

-

After the lesson, Sora tried to get out as fast as possible, (avoiding eye contact with Lucas, lest he get called back), and trying not to split the seams on his bag with the stupidly heavy book they had. Maybe he'd rip out the pages on "Understanding Female Thinking".

What a joke. Lucas must have fought to keep it in the curriculum. He was fairly certain that every single boy in there must have at least one female friend or relative, so it was stupid to act like the only reason they had to even interact with girls was to get a girlfriend.

Sora thought of how Grandma Emi would react- strongly, probably.

Ridiculous! She'd say, sat on the floor of their tea-room, stirring her tea like she was trying to whip it into a whirlpool. Is that what they're teaching you these days? Pathetic.

Raiden would snort and flick tea at him-

Sora was distracted by a group of boys nearby- they'd spotted the girls descending the opposite staircase and broken into mutters and grins. Sora didn't need to wonder who they were looking at- she was wearing their uniform.

He recognised one of them- Tyler, one of his roommates. An Oakwood noblewoman's son, apparently. He'd been polite enough to him, but Sora could see he was already gathering a considerable posse among the boys and had found him more than a little cocky, and it was clear his thoughts were mostly centred on himself. Tyler had been approaching them earlier that morning, when Cromwell had arrived- and while he hadn't gotten a chance to talk to them before she'd spoken, Sora knew he'd formed an opinion, and, as the boys broke into sniggers, it seemed he was sharing it.

Sora tried to turn his thoughts back to Emi and Raiden-

But his eyes drifted again and again to the sniggering boys in front, and suddenly he was only thinking of Raiden.

A bitter taste filled his mouth, and Sora decided to stop thinking about his family.

Luckily, before he could try, (and probably not succeed), his thoughts were interrupted again, as someone tall fell into step with him.

He saw the Everboy uniform and for a second, thought it was Alex- but no, she was on the opposite staircase, and this was a boy. He was broader and more muscular than Alex, with close-cropped dark hair, his white shirt stark against his dark brown skin.

Sora glanced up at him and realised it was the boy who'd stared at him in the last lesson after he'd challenged Lucas. Now that he was stood next to him, he noticed how dark his eyes were- such a deep brown they were almost black, and how he smelled faintly of apple-

Wait, what?

"You're Sora, right?"

Sora blinked, shaking himself out of his stupor.

"Wha- oh! Yeah. Yeah, I am."

"Good on you for trying to change the whole lesson- even if it wasn't uh, successful. I was sort of expecting him to try and fight you."

Sora smirked a little, imagining doddering old Lucas brandishing his cane and tottering through the aisles, challenging him to duel.

"Well, thank you- wait, what's your name?"

"Um, Talib. Of Glass Mountains."

He offered his hand, which Sora took.

"Yeah, well… thanks, Talib." He let go before Talib could notice his hand was sweating. "But if he had challenged me or something it would have gone horribly wrong, I think. He might have thrown his hip out or something."

Talib grinned, looking back in the direction of the classroom- Sora kept looking at him and missed a step on the stairs.

"Well, maybe." Talib conceded, turning back just as Sora lurched back up, hoping the other boy hadn't noticed. "But it would have been more interesting than listening to him talk about how women overcomplicate everything for a good twenty minutes."

Sora rolled his eyes as they descended into the entrance hall. "True. An Introduction to Female Thinking. God, what a stupid lesson."

"An Introduction- wait, what?"

This time, it was Alex. She popped up next to them like a demented jack-in-the-box, uniform and hair messy, splattered with what looked like ink, and with a scratch on her cheek. Sora noticed Nadiya and Marcy walking with another girl nearby, talking idly. It seemed Marcy had no problem with anyone apart from Alex, which was both reassuring and a little worrying.

"What the hell happened to you?" demanded Sora as the boys nearby started muttering and sniggering again. Alex waved a hand, not seeming to notice their whispering classmates.

"Eh, long story. Beautification. Etiquette. I'm not very good at either, it turns out. Who'd have known, eh?" she snorted, peering back at the way they'd come. "Honestly, I think Pollux was ready to take my head off. Anyway, what was this lesson?"

Sora and Talib glanced at each other, and, as they did so, Alex seemed to notice Talib for the first time.

"Oh, hey! I don't think I know you. Do I?"

"Um, no, we've never met. I'm Talib of Glass Mountains. Would you be Alexandra of Camelot?"

Alex huffed.

"How does everyone already know me before I know them?"

Sora decided not to answer that one. Luckily, Alex was talking again.

"Yeah, that's me. Just Alex, though, if you don't mind."

"Oh- sure."

"Appreciate it. What's this female thinking crap?"

"It's the Chivalry lesson we did. Sora tried to call BS, and Lucas got all defensive and told him he was jumped up."

Alex frowned.

"And you still did it?"

"Yep. Did you know that you overcomplicate things- all of you, all the time- and we should just try our best to sit there and listen, in order to catch up?"

Alex looked somewhere between amused and annoyed.

"Huh. With any other girl, that would be ridiculous, but actually, pay attention and try to keep up is what my parents told all the servants who had to keep an eye on me when I was younger."

Then her eyes drifted past them.

"Hey, those guys are staring at us."

Sora turned to see the group's eyes dart away as they saw them turn. No doubt they'd been attempting to listen.

He turned back and walked a little faster.

"Sure it's nothing. Come on, we've got Weapons Training next, and it's all of us."

Alex nodded, but she was still looking back at the other boys, who were grinning again.

"Yeah, but what if they wanted something? Isn't it a bit rude to just walk off if we noticed them?"

Sora bit his tongue. Alex definitely didn't seem the type to be convinced easily, but If she went over this would end very badly.

He knew what other kids were like.

"No, it's fine, it was probably nothing." He said quickly, heading towards the Swordplay Arena-

Alex frowned.

Sora groaned. To make matters worse, Talib looked like he was about to agree- there was no way he could have known what Alex was like, or what those boys were laughing at-

But then he looked over at Sora, who gave him an I'll tell you later look, and he seemed to understand.

Relived, Sora glanced back at Alex, who had naturally, missed it, distracted by their audience as she was.

"But surely they needed us for something? What if we-"

"It's fine, Alex!" Sora really didn't want to tell her that we and us should really have only been me and I. "Drop it. Come on, you can fight stuff now."

Alex didn't look convinced, but, for once, she didn't argue, and the three of them headed into the Swordplay Arena.

Just as they did, Sora glanced over his shoulder, and Tyler was still staring at them.

Somehow, he felt this was not going to go well.


	14. How To Get Pollux To Hate You In Your First Princess Etiquette Lesson

While Alex might have been a little fast to declare herself bad at both Beautification and Princess Etiquette, it had to be admitted that she was not a natural.

At all.

Their first lesson of the day had been Beautification. Anemone was late, of course, and the girls were sat in the multi-coloured candy classroom for a good ten minutes before her appearance.

Alex had been eating fudge off the bottom of her desk when the door slammed open in a manner almost worthy of her entrance to Charity 18 the other day, and their teacher swept in.

Anemone swanned down the aisle, resplendent in a sweeping, wide-skirted, electric blue gown (so intense Alex almost felt compelled to squint), which was embroidered with all manner of sequins and beads. Accompanied by lots of sparkly jewellery and an equally bejewelled headdress, she was very shiny in general- all the reflective accessories kept catching the light as she moved. Alex's eyes (and attention) followed the little lights they cast across the classroom- and, as a result, she didn't notice Anemone was speaking until she noticed the matching blue lipstick and clocked that her mouth was moving.

Damn it. Already?

Cursing herself, Alex bounced her leg a little as she tried to pay attention to what their teacher was saying.

"-I am here to empower you all, and teach you to do the same for both yourselves, and each other! My success in this is well-documented- here, you can see all my ex-students, whom I led to self-acceptance and beauty, both inside and out!"

She gestured to one of the candied walls, plastered with portraits of girls, both first year and after graduation.

Alex caught sight of a very familiar face on the wall and doubted how much Anemone had actually had to do with that particular transformation. It was a little surprising that Anemone actually had a more or less realistic portrait of her mother, though- although she'd seen lots of portraits of her parents over the years, most of them were not commissioned by the palace, and, as a result, were what Tedros called "slightly embellished" and what Agatha called "stupid and unrealistic".

Anemone was still talking;

"So, today, we will be starting our year by looking at Kinder Smiles! Your smile is the single most important aspect of beauty- it can make or break a beautiful face!"

Alex thought of her crooked front teeth and frowned.

"So, what I will do, is go around you one by one, whilst you practice with each other! Off we go!"

She descended on a group of girls in the front row, and Alex turned to Nadiya next to her, sighing.

"Well, this is fine, I guess." She admitted as Anemone started shouting about teeth.

Her friend shrugged back.

"Yeah, I suppose it's okay-"

Nadiya stopped and frowned at her.

"Have you been eating the desk?"

"Uh… no."

"Alex, you have fudge in your teeth."

"Oh."

Nadiya snorted as Alex tried her best to pick it out.

"It's okay, I stole a doorknob earlier, it's in my book bag."

"In that case, yeah, I've been scraping it off the bottom of the table all morning."

Nadiya laughed.

Alex dug her nail into the bottom of the desk, trying to glean its thickness.

"I wonder how long we can get away with it before it collapses-"

Nadiya's foot shot out and her heel caught Alex in the shin, just in time to stop her talking.

"Ow-!"

"Hello, dears!"

Anemone swept over to them, still aggressively sparkly, and possibly skipping a few people in her eagerness to reach Alex. If she was expecting something worthy of her mother from Alex, however, then she was going to be sorely disappointed. More than once, Alex had had her smile compared to the Cheshire Cat.

But Alex had already grinned at her, probably on instinct, and Anemone frowned, squinting closely at her.

"Hmm… you have dimples... charming to a degree, but can make you look mischievous rather than welcoming or friendly, especially as they're quite prominent- oh, are your front teeth crooked?"

"Yes." Grumbled Alex, not pleased she'd noticed so soon.

"Hmmm. Do it again, dear."

Feeling a bit stupid, Alex obliged, and Anemone leaned back, this time, eyes narrowed. Alex wondered if she was going to get failed on day one for throwing up on the nurse taking a mould of her teeth, and subsequently not getting braces.

Looking at Anemone's face, it was a distinct possibility-

Then her teacher shrugged, just about satisfied.

"It's very crooked, dear- both your mouth and your teeth- and you look a bit too much like your father when you do it, it's too masculine. And your eyes squint unevenly. Oh, and it's a little wide. But it works. Just about."

"Oh." Alex dropped the smile, a little hurt. When she was little, she'd always been proud when people had told her she looked like her dad when she smiled. To hear Anemone dismiss it as a negative was a little discouraging. "Um… okay."

"Don't worry, dear, some of us aren't natural at… um…" Anemone hesitated.

"Being pretty?" offered Alex bluntly. Her teacher blinked.

"Well, no, just… well, not natural beauties."

"That's what I said, in different words."

Anemone ignored her last comment and patted her hand.

"Keep practising, dear."

"Gee, thanks." Mumbled Alex, as Anemone sailed off to inspect an uncomfortable Nadiya-

Who looked even more awkward when Anemone pronounced her smile "radiant" and immediately departed for the next table with no criticisms.

Alex anticipated a rank that was more or less a big fat 20.

-

In the end, she got an 18, but Alex was convinced as they left the candy classrooms for Princess Etiquette that it had been pity on Anemone's part.

Nadiya had gotten a 1, obviously.

"I think she was really unfair." Nadiya declared the second they left the classroom. "You shouldn't put people down for their smile! That's what you do when you're happy!"

Alex made a non-committal noise. Nadiya bumped her shoulder with hers.

"Hey, your smile isn't bad. I think it's charming."

"Unfortunately, you're not the one giving out the marks."

"Oh, come on, Alex. Just because you don't look like an oil painting when you smile doesn't mean you look bad, it's just her idea of what looks good."

Alex nodded vaguely.

"I guess so." And then, the thought that had been nagging her: "I bet Ros would have aced that."

"Your sister?" asked Nadiya. "Rosalind?"

"Yeah. Anemone would love her, I bet."

"Aw. Well, don't compare yourself to your siblings. It won't help."

Alex peered at her, frowning.

"You sound like Merlin. How'd you get so wise?"

Nadiya rolled her eyes.

"I'm just sensible, Alex."

"Uh, and I'm not?"

"Um, well…"

Alex pointed at her, grinning.

"I'll have you know I am the most sensible person ever! No one will ever be more level-headed than I, Sensible Alex, who has all the impulse control in the world! Haven't you seen all the articles the Royal Rot print about my well thought out decisions and carefully worded speeches?" she prodded her in the side, making Nadiya yelp and bat her away. "Huh? Don't you read the tabloid stories about Sensible Alex? Don't ya?"

"No, no, stop it, I'm ticklish!" Nadiya was laughing so hard she was snorting now. "I will confess I have never read a tabloid story about Sensible Alex!"

"Shame on you!"

"Have you?"

"How dare you insinuate I read such trash!"

"Then how do you know about them-!?"

-

They continued in a similar fashion all the way to Princess Etiquette.

Half an hour into the lesson, they were no longer laughing, and Alex had gone back to moping about how Rosalind would have been so much better at this.

Pollux had wobbled in on the body of a flatulent camel, which had not made for a great start. Then he had announced the unit entitled "The Science of Utensils", and it had gone from bad to worse as he'd unveiled a table and called them up one by one to name the multiple forks and spoons, and what they were used for.

Alex had been hopeful. She actually knew this- she'd been to enough fancy dinner parties to learn everything, even if her father had had to stop her absent-mindedly drinking champagne from his glass a couple of times.

After Chrissy, Kia, and Nadiya were all berated for not knowing what a lobster pick was ("how could you not?" lamented Pollux), it was Alex's turn.

She was slightly offended by the unconvinced look Pollux gave her as she stepped up and peered at the setting, but thankfully she recognised everything laid out before her. Relieved, she cleared her throat and pointed to the first item.

"Okay, um… place card-"

"Any fool could tell me that was a place card!" scoffed Pollux.

"So why did you put it there for us to name it?" demanded Alex.

Pollux glared at her and stabbed a camel hoof at the middle wine glass.

"What is that?"

Alex glared back.

"The red wine glass."

Pollux looked a little surprised but moved swiftly onto the next utensil.

"That?"

"Cake fork."

"That?"

"Meat knife."

"That?"

"There's nothing there-"Alex noticed Pollux's smug expression and changed course, realising what he was trying to do. "- but after dessert, that's where they put the cup and saucer."

Pollux's smug expression disappeared, and his hooves stabbed faster, so Alex talked faster.

"Champagne flute, fish knife, soup spoon, water glass, bread plate, dessert spoon- we've had that, that's the meat knife- dinner fork- can we stop?- dinner knife, napkin- wouldn't any fool know what that was, as well? Oh, we've run out. Bam!"

She'd finally gotten something completely right! Alex slammed her hands onto the table, beaming-

And promptly catapulted and cracked the bread plate, smacking herself in the face with the butter knife, which then fell back to the table, smashed the white wine glass, and chipped a huge chunk off the salad plate.

From behind them, Nadiya and several other girls groaned in sympathy.

Cursing, Alex hauled herself back upright-

And came face to face with a completely livid Pollux.

Their teacher inhaled deeply.

Alex noticed her face was stinging, and wondered if she was bleeding. She looked down at her shirt and realised she was a little bit-

The camel body emitted a thunderous fart at the same moment that a muddy rank 20 exploded over her head, and Pollux started shrieking;

"NEVER HAS MY CLASSROOM BEEN IN SUCH SHAMBLES!"

-

Alex sulked in the corner for the rest of the lesson.

Nadiya had tried to argue for her- saying that she'd completed the challenge the best out of all of them, and Pollux had never said anything about breaking the utensils, only naming them correctly. Also, it was clearly an accident.

Naturally, Pollux had ignored her, claiming that it was basically rule number one that "a princess does not break things, especially not whilst gloating like a Never!"

So now the two of them sat in disgruntled silence in the corner of the room as the rest of the girls mixed up the salad fork and the dinner fork but did not receive the label of a shambles, even when Marcy panicked and mixed up a knife and a spoon.

Alex pressed Nadiya's handkerchief a little harder into her scratched cheek, glowering. Nadiya didn't seem to have much positive to say, unlike earlier. She just patted her back and watched Pollux shout at their classmates, apparently having not recovered from his Alex- induced bad mood. Lots of people got those, Alex found.

She gazed glumly across at the others, bouncing her leg.

"You know, in any other circumstance, on any other day, I'd have found a farting camel really funny."

"I'm sure we'll appreciate it later on."

"Like… in five years. If I haven't failed and been turned into a cactus by then."

Nadiya frowned.

"Well… let's think positive. What are you good at?"

"I was good at naming fancy dinner party utensils." Muttered Alex.

"No, generally."

"Uh… I dunno." Alex scuffed her boot on the floor, folding and unfolding Nadiya's bloody handkerchief absently. What was she good at?

"Does hitting stuff count? I'm decent with a sword and spear and stuff."

"I'd say it does. Look what we've got next."

Nadiya smiled and held out their timetable to her. Alex peered at the little black letters, curious-

Lesson 3: Weapons Training: Professor Espada

Alex bolted up, all gloominess from her recent predicament suddenly forgotten.

"Weapons Training? A whole lesson?"

"You didn't read your timetable, did you?" sighed Nadiya, but Alex was barely listening.

"That'll be great! Do you think they have the Maidenvale broadswords that their knights use? Like that massive one that Sir Meredith has? She's awesome, that'd be so cool to try out- you ever seen them?"

"Um… no." admitted Nadiya.

"Aw, they're sick! My dad told me about them, they're super lightweight, built with Gillikin fairy steel, but double-edged and you can take a bloke's head off in like, one swing if you're good enough- and she is, definitely, Sir Meredith is so cool. I met her once and nearly passed out, Dad had to hold me up and pass it off as a head cold. Actually, speaking of Dad, those swords are waaay better than Excalibur, Dad should upgrade it to be like that, honestly. It's an old rust bucket, is Excalibur."

Nadiya blinked in surprise, but whether it was at her excited description of the broadswords or her dismissal of the most famous sword in the woods as an old rust bucket, Alex wasn't sure.

"Wow. That's pretty scary."

Alex beamed.

"I know, right? This'll be awesome, I really want to use their spears as well-"

She was interrupted as the wolves howled to mark the end of the lesson, and Alex leapt up, completely transformed from that morning, and ignored Pollux's disdainful stare.

"Yes! Let's go!"


	15. my gran could do better, and she killed a warlock with a cheesecake

Talib had not really been sure what to make of Alex at first.

A farm boy from Glass Mountains, he had spent most of his life only reading about royalty from far-away kingdoms. Until now, the closest experience with any sort of nobility he'd had was when the Duchess of Glass Mountains had ridden past their farm in her carriage, and Talib and his mother and his sister had stopped working altogether to gawk at the fine, gilt carriage as it rattled down the tiny road and out of sight, the Duchess staring imperiously forwards the whole time.

So when the heir to Camelot's throne had popped up like a manic jack-in-the-box, covered in scratches and her braid falling out, and proceeded to talk a mile a minute, Talib had had no idea what to think. When he'd heard that Princess Alexandra of Camelot was also at the school, he'd assumed she'd be some golden-blonde maiden who'd never done a day's work in her life and… well, acted like a princess.

Alex… really wasn't.

Well, she was golden blonde. But as for the whole "maiden who'd never done any work" thing…

Possibly not.

Alex hopped up and down excitedly, right at the front of the huddle of students listening to Espada talk, already clutching a shield and ready to go. Based on the fact she seemed to be one of the only people here who was actually excited about the lesson, she'd done some combat training before.

Possibly a bit more than some.

Talib tuned back into what Espada was saying just as he got to the point- he seemed to enjoy rambling about inconsequential things.

"So! For today's lesson, I will be testing your initial combat abilities! With absolutely no training or preparation, you must pick a weapon, go into this area-" he gestured to an oddly large roped-off area nearby. "-and attempt to take this teapot from the podium. Buttercup will be trying to stop you!"

A couple of boys sniggered. Sora and the girl with long dark hair, stood next to Alex, both looked wary. Talib didn't know what there was to be wary about, but he nudged Sora anyway.

"What's scary?"

Sora made a vague gesture.

"Slightly mad old teacher, plus seemingly harmless name and no visible threat, in a combat lesson?" he offered, as Espada tottered over to the door, presumably to fetch "Buttercup".

Talib saw what he meant, but tried to look hopeful.

"Couldn't it just be a rabbit or something? You said he was a bit mad…"

Whatever Sora said in response was drowned out by an ear-splitting crash.

With a smashing sound that made everyone jump, the door was busted off its hinges, flew three feet, and knocked over a suit of armour.

Several people screamed. Espada beamed.

"Buttercup!"

Buttercup the ten- foot troll roared, spraying the room, and at least half of the students, with spit.

"Never mind." Squeaked Talib.

-

"Think you've got a good chance, Princess?"

Alex turned to see one of the boys from earlier approaching her, grinning. He'd already picked a weapon- he was swinging his sword idly around.

Alex smiled and shrugged, wondering if maybe he'd just wanted to chat.

"Maybe. Trying to decide what weapon I should use. You using that?"

He grinned, examining the blade with a distinctly smug aura.

"Yeah. Know anything about swords?"

Alex beamed, glad they were onto a topic she enjoyed.

"Oh, sure! That's a pretty good blade, actually, it looks well-weighted. Good choice. Dunno if it will do anything against the troll hide, though."

The boy looked a little taken aback. Then he frowned.

"Well, what were you going to use, then?" he challenged.

Alex considered this.

"I was thinking about a spear? Not necessarily for wounding, but it's got a longer reach, so I can stay further away… plus, I'm pretty good with a spear."

The boy raised his eyebrows so high they almost disappeared into his blonde hairline.

"Oh yeah? You fought with one before?"

"Uh huh!" Alex grinned at him, glad he seemed to want to talk to her. "What's your name?"

"Tyler. Of Oakwood."

"Aw, well nice to meet you! I'm-"

"I know who you are." Interrupted Tyler. Alex blinked.

"Oh… yeah. Yeah. Of course."

She peered at him, wondering why he looked slightly annoyed. He had similar colouring to her father, actually- blonde, with blue eyes and a tan- although everything about his face was sharper and longer than Tedros's, more angled.

Before she could say anything else, though, Tyler had turned his back on her and taken his place in the line, not far in front of her and Nadiya.

Nadiya frowned at his back as he tested his stance with a sword.

"Seemed a bit testy, didn't he?"

Alex blinked at her.

"He did?"

She hadn't noticed. He'd not really been annoyed at her, had he? She hadn't done anything.

She stared at Tyler's back as he held the sword out, getting ready-

"Hey." She leaned across and tapped his shoulder. "Tyler?"

Tyler glanced back, frowning.

"What?"

"Your stance is a bit wrong."

"What?"

"Here-"

Alex shuffled around him and shifted his hand on the hilt, and straightened his arm out.

"It'll stop people being able to hit your arm-"

Tyler yanked his arm away from her and glared at her. Alex stopped mid-sentence.

"Don't tell me what to do." He snapped. "What are you trying to do, show off, or something?"

Alex stared at him, bewildered. She hadn't been trying to show off at all! Why did he think that? She'd only been trying to help- if he went up against that massive troll with that stance, he'd probably get hurt…

Alex blinked at him, trying to work out what to say, as Tyler turned away and hoisted his shield, the next person to head into the ring.

"I didn't-"

Tyler rolled his eyes and shoved past her, striding up to face Buttercup before she could finish her sentence, leaving Alex very confused, and slightly hurt.

"Not to sound mean." Said Sora from behind her, as Tyler went back to his old stance, ignoring what Alex had told him. "But I hope he doesn't get that damn teapot."

-

He didn't, which Sora was maybe a bit smug about. Instead, Tyler ended up sprawled on the floor several feet outside of the ring, scowling and bruised, whilst the rest of the boys oohed and Marcy and Chrissy rushed to help him over to Abermarle- how, exactly, a woodpecker was in charge of first-aid, Sora didn't know, but there was a large group clustered around him, nursing sprained limbs and swiftly-blossoming bruises. In fact, Sora realised, no one had even gotten close to completing the task.

Based off the various injuries even the most skilled fighters amongst them seemed to be sporting, he wasn't too anxious to try himself.

Espada didn't seem to care much, though- he was sat in his chair, cackling and shouting bits of encouragement and criticism at the very obviously struggling competitors.

"I can't believe this." Groaned Talib from behind him, as students soared at varying velocities over the barriers, hurled by an enraged Buttercup, and the second suit of armour of the day came clattering to the floor, obscuring one unfortunate boy in a tsunami of metal and leather.

"We're going to have to get used to it, I think." Sora sulked. "Every teacher in this school seems to have it out for us, and it's only our first day."

Then he realised who was up next.

"Oh, no."

He and Talib watched Alex select a long spear and swing a relatively small, round shield from her back, and set off towards the ring, still occasionally glancing back to where Tyler was sat, frowning after her.

"He's thrown her off." Muttered Sora. Talib frowned, nervous.

"She'll be okay, right? Is she good at combat?"

"Um… I think so? I don't really know, but-"

"I HAVE AN IDEA!"

They turned to see Espada stood from his chair, pointing a knobbly, calloused finger right at Sora and Nadiya.

"SEEING AS SINGLE COMPETITORS ARE OBVIOUSLY COMPLETELY USELESS, I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TWO AND ALEXANDRA AS A GROUP. WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?"

"…me?" asked Sora, obviously very much hoping it was not him.

"YES! YOU AND THE GIRL!"

"…Nadiya of Rajashah, sir." Sighed Alex's friend, already selecting a sword in a defeated sort of manner.

"Sora. Of Walleye Spring." Said Sora reluctantly.

Espada stopped shouting, and looked surprised instead.

"Sora? What's your family name?"

"Akiyama."

"Are you, perchance, related to the legendary Akiyama Emi?"

"She's my grandmother." Admitted Sora.

Talib's jaw dropped. Even Alex, with the most impressive heritage there, and Tyler, who seemed to operate off of being disparaging, looked impressed.

"Who's that?" asked Marcy from the back. "I don't think I ever read her tale."

"ONLY THE MOST FAMOUS DIPLOMAT IN THE ENDLESS WOODS!" boomed Espada, reverting back to shouting. "AKIYAMA EMI RODE THREE HUNDRED MILES ACROSS A MOUNTAIN PASS TO RESCUE ONE OF THE NEICES OF THE EMPRESS -THE GIRL WHO WOULD BECOME THE CURRENT EMPRESS MIKA- BECAUSE ALL OF THE KNIGHTS OF THE WOODS WERE TOO SCARED! EVEN SIR LANCELOT WOULDN'T DO IT! AND SHE DEFEATED THE WARLOCK WITH A RUSTY NAIL, TWO FEATHERS AND HALF A CHEESECAKE!"

Alex was peering at Sora with hopeful eyes.

"Don't suppose you can get this teapot with half a cheesecake, can you?"

"No. And do I look like I have a cheesecake?" Sora grumbled- but Talib thought he looked rather proud as he trudged over to a selection of hunting knives.

"Shame." Sighed Alex, adjusting Nadiya's stance. "I like cheesecake. I could have the other half."

Sora rolled his eyes at her. Alex grinned.

Unfortunately, Alex's words had reminded Espada of the matter at hand; Buttercup the troll stood aimlessly in front of the teapot, awaiting someone else for him to beat up.

"ALRIGHT, ENOUGH CHAT! GET THAT TEAPOT!"

-

Buttercup wasted no time in rushing towards them, immense hands grasping, and very effectively drove all thoughts of Tyler (and cheesecake) from Alex's head.

Most students, she'd noticed, had tried to dodge, and discovered that Buttercup's reach was wider than anticipated, and had taken a hit.

So instead of dodging, Alex a different approach.

She lunged forwards and ducked, watching as Sora and Nadiya darted to either side, just behind her.

Buttercup's hands shot over her head and she dove through his legs, glad she wasn't wearing any cumbersome armour (although she would probably be less glad if he threw her) and jabbed the butt of her spear into the back of his knees- hard, but not hard enough to put too much strain on her weapon.

Buttercup didn't even flinch, and swung around just as quickly as he'd lunged for her, roaring.

"Effective." Muttered Sora, as both he and Nadiya hurried up behind her again. Alex glared at him, but she wasn't really paying attention to his comments.

Her hit hadn't done much apart from annoy him, and Alex could tell the thickness of his muscles and skin was, unfortunately, impressive. The weapons were all partially blunted- they wouldn't be granted sharpened ones until later in the year- but she hadn't picked a spear for no reason. She needed a weak spot, and a long reach to be able to get to it without getting her head- or the other two's heads- bashed in…

She ducked another swipe and danced in the direction of the teapot, and Buttercup lumbered forwards, forcing them to move around him again, meaning the troll was once again between the three of them and the damned thing.

Alex racked her brains for anything that she knew about trolls, but Buttercup's swipes were getting both more erratic and more distracting, and she found herself ducking and weaving around, trying to avoid getting smacked into the wall by the troll's immense hands. The others were doing the same, and Alex had to admire that both Sora and Nadiya were clearly fast enough to avoid many injuries.

"Anyone know anything much about trolls?" she panted, deciding to put the question out there.

Nadiya shrugged, clutching a stitch in her side.

"Um… not really. Does it matter?"

"Yes!" barked Alex.

But Sora frowned.

"Well…"

Alex ducked yet another lunge as he considered.

"Now would be good, Akiyama!" she wheezed. Sora frowned at her use of his family name.

"I'm thinking!"

"We haven't got a lot of time for that, though, have we?" barked Nadiya, somewhere to her left.

Sora scowled.

Vaguely, Alex could hear her classmates shouting, but whether it was encouraging or just plain old heckling, she had no idea-

A grey blur shot towards her, and she only just ducked the troll's fist in time, feeling immense fingers shoot just over her head.

Focus. She scolded herself. You'll have even less of an idea what they're saying if he gives you a concussion.

With an immense effort, she forced herself to focus on her opponent-

Sora clapped, suddenly.

"Aha!"

"Good, you've remembered, get to the point!" shouted Nadiya, who was now sporting a nasty scratch on her cheek. Alex frowned. When had she got that?

She glanced back at Buttercup as Sora spun to them-

She was sure she'd done a lesson with Merlin on trolls, fairly recently… had she listened?

Probably not, she admitted to herself. After all, there was lots to distract her at home-

"ALEX, FOCUS!" shouted Nadiya. Alex jolted up-

Just as pain exploded in her ribs, and Alex crashed into the floor, all her breath leaving her at once as her back hit the stone.

Her shield and spear skittered across the floor, and the other students groaned.

Buttercup roared his victory, the hand with which he had smacked her raised high.

Alex coughed, struggling to regain her breath and cursing her stupid brain as Sora hauled her upright and Nadiya pressed her spear back into her hand. This was always how her fights at home ended- she got distracted, and subsequently defeated. Chaddick and Lancelot always smacked her with the butt of the sword to signify a hit, but Tedros had tended to sort of half-heartedly shove her off of the mat, unwilling to hurt her (even though Alex generally had no such misgivings about hitting him).

Either way, she hadn't been punched in the ribs since that fight with the village boys, and certainly not by a troll-

Oh, right. The troll.

Alex bolted upright- and immediately regretted it as her ribs twinged nastily- but it was just as well, because Buttercup had just began to lumber towards them, apparently satisfied she, and by extension, Sora and Nadiya as well, were now an easy target, and would be simple to toss out of the ring.

Alex cast a glance over at Espada, and realised he looked rather disappointed- had he really been rooting for them? Maybe he'd just hoped Sora's cheesecake wielding grandmother would have passed down some genes.

And then she caught sight of Sora and Nadiya glaring at someone-

And saw Tyler, smirking at her from the side-lines.

"Good with a spear, huh?" he asked. The boys around him laughed, although whether they really found it funny was debatable.

Alex coloured furiously, listening to their glee. What had she done for Tyler to make fun of her? She'd been perfectly nice to him!

Her scowl only made him laugh harder, unfortunately, and it also only furthered Alex's fury…

Nadiya shook her arm.

"Alex, pay attention! Ignore him! Sora, tell her what you know-"

Buttercup's arm swung by again and all three of them dove to the other side of the ring, Alex's ribs throbbing nastily.

"You know the Three Billy Goats Gruff?" panted Sora, as Nadiya waved her sword around in an attempt to distract Buttercup, reflecting light off of the blade.

"Yeah, they died in my parent's fairy tale, what about them?"

"… what? Oh, just- Alex, you know how they got across the bridge?"

"Yeah, they told the troll to eat the one after and then the biggest one head-butted him and the troll fell in the river. We don't have a river, and if we tried to head-butt him, we'd crack our skulls."

"Right. But if we use the same tactic…"

Nadiya swore behind them, and they spun to see her nearly run into Alex as she scrambled away from Buttercup, clutching her shoulder, which was set at an odd angle.

"He punched me!" she moaned.

Alex grimaced.

"Aw, there's blood on your nice new dress."

"Alex, for god's sake-" began Sora, but Alex cut him off.

"Yeah, yeah, I know! It's probably out of place or something, don't try that again- and I know what you want to do."

"… you do?" asked Sora apprehensively as Buttercup began to lumber towards them.

"Yeah, I'm the big goat, so to speak."

"Yes. Yeah. Right, get to the back, and ditch your weapon."

And with that, Sora shoved Alex behind him and shuffled forwards, Nadiya following, and held his hands up. Alex reluctantly put down her spear, but she had to admit that Sora was right- today she would not be able to win with sheer force.

And then she realised what they were doing.

"Wait- what?" spluttered Alex. "When was this-"

Nadiya glared at her, with such a good shut up, Alex conveyed through it that Alex half expected her to turn into Rosalind.

Buttercup seemed rather pleased that Sora and Nadiya were suddenly becoming such an easy target, and raised his hand-

"Buttercup, wait!"

The troll looked very surprised at being addressed by his name, and froze, one hand inches from Sora's head.

"You don't want to throw either of us out. Not yet. See her?"

Sora pointed at Alex.

"Her dad is really rich. Super rich. He's a King. So, if you took her for ransom… you could get loads of … um...uh, loads of really nice… stuff."

"Alex, what does your dad have?" hissed Nadiya in a stage whisper.

"Low self-esteem?"

"Treasure-wise, Alex!"

"Oh. Like, swords, and gold, and… ooh, I think we have some troll armour!"

"Yes, troll armour!" shouted Sora in the manner of a particularly pushy street vendor. "And a reputation- you kidnapped a princess! Who wouldn't fear you? You, the mighty Buttercup! Forget us! We're nobodies!"

Buttercup peered at Alex, the hand that he had poised to hit Sora with still suspended in the air, forgotten. Alex wondered what he was thinking, but then noticed that Sora and Nadiya were looking pointedly at her.

"Oh- uh, yeah. I know I look a bit sweaty and also like a boy, but…"

Sora looked even more pointed.

"I'm a really, really scared princess, and…"

Sora looked so pointed he could have impaled her.

"Uhhh… that is to say… oh, god!" Alex fell to her knees in what she hoped was a convincing display of distress, and subtly thumped herself in her bruised ribs, hoping to summon a few tears to make it a bit more convincing.

Ow.

That worked. Maybe too well.

"O mighty Buttercup, I beg of you, please don't take me for ransom!" she sobbed, as Sora and Nadiya began to shuffle surreptitiously- and far too slowly- towards the teapot, which was sitting on a plinth behind Buttercup, in all its pink, floral glory. "I couldn't bear to be separated from my family, especially not my dearest papa- why, he would pay any fee to have me returned to him!"

Buttercup frowned. Sora and Nadiya shuffled a few steps more. Alex hoped Buttercup wouldn't think too hard about her words- technically, she was separated from her family right now. Although, hopefully, Dad would pay a fair bit to get her back if she was ever kidnapped. Although it was just as likely he'd get his sword and come and find her.

Actually, probably more likely. Tedros never did like negotiating as much as he liked beating stuff up.

"In fact, I imagine you could state anything you wanted, and he would give it to you in return for his daughter!" she declared. "All you would have to do is kidnap me… but- oh, nooooooo…" she wailed. "You caaaaaan't! I shall scream! Look, like this-"

Everyone winced as Alex let out a piercing shriek, but it was working- Buttercup had utterly forgotten about Sora and Nadiya, who were advancing further…

That was when Buttercup decided to try and grab her.

Alex's shriek as he grazed her bruised ribs was not as fake as the previous one, and she decided she was no longer bothered about the plan.

She broke into a dead sprint and dove between Buttercup's legs.

"SORAAAA, NADIYAAA! HURRY UP, I DON'T WANT TO ACTUALLY GET KIDNAPPED!"

Her friends seemed to agree, and together they staggered towards the plinth, Buttercup lumbering after them… closer… both the teapot and the troll… closer…

"Hurry up!" moaned Alex-

Sora stopped abruptly in front of the teapot- but the sudden stop didn't extend to Alex, who ran into Nadiya, who fell over, and into Sora, knocking him over just as his hand touched the teapot-

They collapsed in a heap, Sora smacking his eye on the plinth, Nadiya jolting her shoulder, and Alex bashing her chin on the floor.

There was a very long pause. Even Buttercup had frozen, in utter disbelief.

And then Sora's hand stuck out the top of the tangle of limbs, holding the teapot high in triumph.

Their classmates erupted into cheers as the three of them sat up, groaning, and Buttercup bellowed in fury.

"BRILLIANT!" shrieked old Espada from his chair as Talib rushed over to help them up. "INSPIRED! INCREDIBLE! YOU'VE GOT LANCELOT'S GENES, ALEXANDRA!"

Alex decided not to tell him that she wasn't actually a blood relation of Lancelot's, and also that she hadn't done much actual fighting. Instead, she got Talib to haul her up off of the floor.

"Cheers." She panted as she staggered upright. Talib frowned at her, and then at the other two, still sat on the floor, panting.

"You've split your chin, and your ribs look nasty. Sora- you've got a black eye. And a nosebleed."

"I noe." Said Sora thickly, tipping his head forward and pinching it.

"Nadiya… uh, are you okay?"

"I'll be fine… shoulder. Hurts." Panted Nadiya.

Talib looked unconvinced.

"Um… Why don't you all have a sit-down?"

"Nah, nah… Abermarle, can you do stitches?" Alex called over to the woodpecker. "I'm gonna need them."

She limped out of the ring, passing by a dumbstruck Tyler and patting the furious troll's elbow as she went.

"Thanks, Buttercup. Sorry for the trouble. Perhaps you can kidnap me for ransom another day, yeah?"


	16. hort and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

Hort hadn't thought his day could possibly have gotten any worse.

First, Sophie had sent back his flowers sometime in the night, which had not been a great start to the morning.

Well, actually, she'd done quite a bit more than just send them back; she'd turned his hydrangeas into snapping turtles and left them in his toilet.

He'd never been so awake at five am. And that included the time Hester and Tedros broke down his door and tried to behead him.

The less said about that the better.

So he'd been up since then, on the first day of classes, and, instead of getting to nap in his classroom until his first class started shooting spit wads at him to wake him up, Sophie had burst in. She'd ignored him when he'd tried to confront her about the turtles, towed him and Castor up to the dining hall, and forced them to try and catch some stupid kid who wasn't even supposed to be there, who was way faster than he looked, whilst the whole school watched.

Hort had learned that he definitely didn't like kale. He had also learned that when they were in a fight, Sophie had zero qualms about embarrassing him in front of every single one of his new Never students.

So, obviously, his morning was a disaster. Any sign of weakness in front of the Never kids was equivalent to signing your own death warrant.

It appeared Hort had signed several.

Class number one: rigged a bucket of kale smoothie over the door, just to rub it in, and threw a desk out of the window.

Class number two: told Sophie everything the previous class had done (and made up some extra stuff) when she swung by and set off a stink-bomb in his office at break.

Class number three: had Thorne in it. Need he say more?

By lunch, there were twelve kids in the Doom Room, several broken windows, and a stymph skull blocking the door to his classroom.

He'd stalked the halls at lunch, unable to quarantine himself in either his smelly office or his stymph-barricaded classroom, covered in glass and smoothie he hadn't been able to wipe off. He'd had bad beginnings to the year before. But this one topped them all- this batch of first years almost topped his year.

And they'd started a war.

When the time came, he'd sloped across Halfway Bay to the School for Good in a black mood, trying to envision what on earth the Ever classes could do to make his day worse.

So when he stepped into the classroom and saw a mop of blonde curls and a crooked grin right in front of him, he almost had heart failure.

Then he realised a) hair was too long, b) eyes were wrong and c) he was an idiot, this was a teenage girl, and settled for a vague feeling of doom, instead. While he was so, so, glad that he hadn't been paid an impromptu visit by Prince (King? Whatever.) Loser, it seemed that he probably should have read Agatha's most recent letter as well as trying to last-minute mark all of those papers.

"Hiya, Hort!"

He knew that voice- recognised the distinct, weird accent. Deeper than would usually be normal for a girl. Slightly too loud.

He knew the girl, as well.

Hort stared back at Alex of Camelot for a solid five seconds, trying to work out if she was actually there, or if he was having some sort of kale-induced hallucination. He was sure last time he'd seen her, she'd been waist high and trying to stab him in the leg with a stick whilst Hester egged her on.

Alex was about the same height as him now and looked older and broader, but still had the buggy brown eyes and crooked teeth that she'd always had. She also looked-

Looked like she'd been in a fight?

In fact, looking around at the rest of the Evers sat around the glass classroom, they all did. A motley assembly of black eyes and split lips were present behind desks, along with several slings and lots of wincing.

"…what happened to your face?" he demanded, noticing the hasty patching-up of Alex's chin. "What have you lot been doing?"

"Eh. Troll- no, big troll. Like, massive. Teapot. Espada. No armour." Alex said vaguely, slamming her textbook down on the desk and flashing a bloody-toothed grin. "Was a bit more violent than Espada was expecting, I think."

"Or exactly as violent." Mumbled the boy near to her, who was sporting an impressively enormous black eye.

Hort didn't really know what to say to that. He knew he should have asked why Espada had asked him to find a troll in the Blue Forest, but years at this place meant that he'd had more bizarre requests.

He almost went offer some sort of apology to the battered class, but then caught sight of Alex leaning back on her chair and grinning in a very familiar manner, and remembered that Alex had no filter, and told her dad everything, and if he took any sort of responsibility for Alex getting beaten up by a troll, Tedros would probably turn up and try to fight him, and he liked to see as little of Tedros as possible, and-

"Uh… sir? Are you okay?"

Hort snapped back to reality to see the class peering at him.

"You look a bit ill, sir." Explained the girl next to Alex.

Before Hort could reply, Alex adopted a (rather comical) slack-jawed expression of surprise.

"Oh, my god, do I have to call you sir now? Even after I saw Anadil push you in a chocolate fountain, and Ros kicked you in the shin and you cried? That's crazy! Hah, I've known you for ages-"

"Thank you, Alex." Interrupted Hort, knowing the damage was already done as the students grinned at one another. "For that- yes, you do."

"Aw. Sorry." Alex blinked and then appeared to remember what she'd just agreed to. "Oh! Hah. Sorry, sir. You know, I'd forgotten you taught here. I always saw you with the Coven and Sophie, at balls and stuff…"

Hort bit his cheek, struggling to keep his annoyance in check and to tune her out at the same time. He'd forgotten how irritating Alex could get. He knew to say that was unfair, but-

A new voice cut in.

"Are we actually going to get on with the lesson, or are we going to listen to her highness brag about all the famous people she knows for a whole hour?"

Everyone, including Hort, turned to look at the boy sat at the back.

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded the boy with the black eye.

Blonde Boy shrugged, grinning at Alex, who had gone scarlet.

"Nothing at all."

Hort, a little bewildered, decided now would be a good time to start the lesson.

\--

Unfortunately, it didn't get better. In retrospect, Hort decided, it was possible that choosing the Tale of Sophie and Agatha for his first lesson was not a good idea.

Alex had been fine at first, dutifully taking the quiz that he'd scribbled down and multiplied with a hex as he'd paced the corridors at lunch, and flicking through it with the rest of the class (although she fidgeted so, so, much). But it had been quiet and he'd been able to slump at his desk and take a quick nap, trying to catch up on the sleep he'd lost thanks to those damn snapping turtles-

He jolted awake to twenty teenagers shouting.

Hort bolted upright, frantically trying to work out why his class of Evers had turned into Nevers, because Evers never argued like that, and he was sure someone was being held back-

He scrubbed at his eyes, and struggled to focus on the class- oh, great.

Alex was out of her seat, turned towards the blonde kid from earlier and flaming scarlet in the face with fury. Her friend, the girl with the dark hair, was trying to tug her back into her seat, whilst blonde kid grinned and the ginger girl nearby him looked somewhere between amused and apprehensive.

"Woah, woah- hey! What's happening?" Hort bellowed over the chaos. "Why's everyone fighting?"

Alex swung to him, scowling, and Hort sort of wished he hadn't asked.

As it turned out, the blonde kid- Tyler- rather liked both the sound of his own voice, and making snide comments.

And winding up Alex. Hort didn't know exactly what he'd said- he'd been asleep, for better or worse- but apparently, he knew exactly what sort of comments to make about her parents to annoy her. Almost impressive, considering he couldn't have known her for more than two or three days. But then again, Alex's temper was utterly uncontrollable, and Hort didn't know how he'd forgotten- now it was all rushing back to him in one big, rather traumatic, wave.

When Alex had been about three or four, and the twins had just been born, he'd visited Camelot with Sophie to see them and help out, and had been assigned the deceptively easy-sounding job of entertaining Alex for a bit.

It was not easy.

As far as he had been concerned, Tedros and Agatha had raised a monster. Alex ran fast, talked faster, and half an hour in, Hort was tempted to give her to bounty hunters just to get a break. Alex had been bounding around the sitting room, waving a wooden sword and chattering to him in an incessant flow of words and questions-

"-and papa says that he's gonna teach me to fight once I'm big enough, so I can be like him-"

"Who'd wanna be like Tedros?" scoffed Hort, flicking at Tedros's discarded crown on the side table. "Tedros is a loser."

Alex stopped mid-flow and looked up at him, the toy falling to hang limply by her side.

Hort suddenly sensed he'd made a mistake, but why should he back down to a four year old?

He frowned right back at her.

Alex seemed to hesitate for a minute, struggling with herself (could four year olds do that?) and then pointed a chubby finger at him.

"Say sorry." She said solemnly.

Hort barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes.

"Kid, seriously, you don't want to- OW!"

Hort refused to say that he'd shrieked, but as Alex had slammed her wooden training sword with all her tiny might into his kneecap, he had to admit that he'd probably yelped a bit.

A lot.

"OW! OW, GET OFF OF ME YOU DEMON, WHAT THE HELL-"

"SAY SORRY!" Alex bellowed right back, still whaling on every inch of his leg with the toy like it was the mightiest of broadswords.

Hort scrabbled to catch her wrists, and caught the damned thing on the joint on his wrist, which hurt way more than getting it in the leg, on my god-

"AH, FOR GOD'S-"

He briefly considered shoving her away, but then caught the murderous look in Alex's eye, realised that it was the same as her mother's and that if he shoved her daughter then Agatha would actually murder him, and-

"OKAY, ALRIGHT! STOP HITTING ME! KID! KID! OW! OKAY- ALEX, I'M SORRY I SAID YOUR DAD WAS A LOSER, HE'S NOT, GET OFF!"

Panting, Hort slumped to the floor in relief as Alex finally stopped hitting him and dumped the sword on the floor, still glaring at him.

Groaning, he flopped backwards-

And heard laughter from the doorway.

Heart plummeting, he turned to see Hester doubled over, laughing so hard she was shaking. Normally Hester laughing would have been scary enough, but the fact she was laughing at him and he'd just seen him cave to the anger of a four year old made it about a thousand times worse.

Hort had never been so glad to see a kid rush over to Hester in his life. Actually, he'd never been glad to see a kid rush over to Hester full-stop, her mother being who she was, but Hester looked surprisingly happy to accept Alex's hug (Hester hated children, was Hort hallucinating?)-and then her point was made very clear, as she actually extended to smiling at Alex and giving her a high-five once she was sure Hort was looking.

That night, Agatha had laughed so hard at dinner she'd nearly passed out.

Hort had not stayed for long at Camelot since.

\--

So, as he now waded into the throng of shouting students to deal with his friend's daughter, he had to admit that he was not enjoying being the adult responsible for Alex again.

"Hey, hey- okay, Alex, kid, calm down- look, just, um… sit down?"

Alex scowled, knitting her dark brows and twisting her mouth, and flung herself into her chair. So dramatic and unnecessary- and familiar. Hort for a moment could only marvel at how one person managed to convey multiple different people's personalities at once- Tedros, Agatha, Sophie, everyone, all mixed up in one terrifying combination, similar but also not, and-

And Hort did not want to be getting this philosophical this early, god.

(The clock behind him read quarter past one. He did not notice.)

Alex glared at him, for a minute. Hort realised he needed to say something.

"Um… right. Okay, well, how about you guys just… uh, apologise? Tyler for… whatever you said. And Alex for shouting?"

Alex and Tyler glowered at each other from opposite sides of the room. The boy sat behind Alex with the black eye looked rather contemplative.

"Aren't you something like… her uncle? Why are you so surprised she got annoyed? Shouldn't you know her pretty well?"

Hort swung to gape at him.

"Her… her uncle?"

"Are you not?"

"Uh…"

Hort, who was desperately trying to work out what sort of family relation other than being married to Sophie would make him Alex's uncle (and not succeeding, as he was too busy thinking about being married to Sophie) nearly missed the reluctant apologies Alex and Tyler were trading.

Tyler rolled his eyes and huffed out a long, dramatic breath (why was everyone here so dramatic?).

"Fi-ine. Sorry. I guess."

His cronies snickered, and a couple of girls did as well. No doubt that had been his aim, based on the smug look on his face as they laughed.

"Yeah," Alex said through clenched teeth, staring straight ahead. "Sorry."

Hort, too tired, confused and annoyed to even attempt to reprimand them for their lack of sincerity, flung up his hands, bemused at how two Evers could even act like this.

"Great, fine, whatever, fight after class, I don't care. Give me your quizzes and chat for the rest of the lesson."

He collapsed into his desk to the backing noise of bewildered, slightly nervous chatter, flipped over Alex's quiz, and started trying to work out how he could be her uncle.

No go. He definitely wasn't related to Agatha, although they did sort of look similar, he'd rather be eaten by a bear than be related to Tedros, so…

He looked up and found half of the class, including black-eye boy, staring at him.

"Oi, kid with the black eye? Whatever your name is- Sora?"

"Yeah?"

"Did Sophie… tell you I was Alex's uncle?"


	17. Princess Shouty, Baby Witch, Not Supposed To Be Here, and Grumpy Everboy

“Why the long face? Normally you’re annoying and loud.”

Alex looked down, surprised, but the second she grinned, June knew she recognised her.

“June?”

June immediately regretted saying anything.

“No.”

Alex beamed. “Aw, hi! I haven’t seen you in _forever-_ ”

June was rather aghast at her sudden enthusiasm.

“Did that seriously cheer you up- no you do _not_ get to hug me, get off, get off-”

The two dark-haired Evers behind Alex, a boy and a girl, looked both looked rather taken aback, to see Alex trying to hug a Nevergirl, June catching their looks of disbelief over Alex’s shoulder as she tried to fend her off.

“Yeah, okay, love, hello- and I’m not even going to _ask_ how you convinced them to let you wear a boy’s uniform.”

Alex smiled, batting her eyelashes at her friend. June rolled her eyes. Alex had probably just put it on and argued until everyone gave up and let her wear it.

“I’m very convincing, June.”

“I’ll believe _that_ when I see it.” Alex couldn’t even convince her sister to grab her a glass of water. She was anything but convincing. She was just lucky. “Who are these two, then?”

“Oh!” Alex grinned and spun to grab her friends. “You guys, this is June, and she’s Dot’s daughter and my friend-”

“That’s pushing it-”

“One of my _best_ friends-”

“I hate you-”

“We’re betrothed-”

“Alright, shut up-”

“Spring wedding?”

“Autumn.” June elbowed Alex in the ribs. “Come on, who’re your friends?”

“Oh, right- these are Sora and Nadiya, and we stole a teapot from a troll this morning and only got lightly beaten to a pulp.”

June raised an eyebrow, suddenly noticing how battered the three of them looked.

“… wow. And to think all I did today was a few worksheets and listening to Sophie talk about snakeskin boots for two hours.”

Alex, as was her custom, wasn’t really listening;

“Aren’t they great?” She beamed, yanking the boy- Sora- into her side. Sora looked very unimpressed. June felt slightly more enamoured. He looked grumpy, and she appreciated the carefully curated art of grumpiness if done properly. Nadiya was classic Evergirl pretty, which was not immediately a good sign, but if she was friends with Alex, she couldn’t be too bad.

Hopefully.

“…they’re tolerable.” June decided. Alex’s eyes went big.

“ _Wow,_ that’s high praise.”

“I’m honoured.” Muttered Sora.

Most of the other students had arrived by now; June could see Thorne skulking by the big oak, and sighed. Of course, he had to be the only other Never she knew in this group.

“You know him?” Asked Alex, peering over the top of her head at Thorne, who was glaring at another group of Nevers nearby. June made a non-committal noise.

“I know _of_ him. Surprised you haven’t heard about it- he’s not actually meant to be here, he hijacked another kid’s stymph. But the School Master hasn’t interfered, so…” she shrugged.

Sora looked intrigued. Alex did not.

“Eh, weird crap happens all the time here. Probably just did it for the drama or something.”

Nadiya laughed. June noticed Thorne look round, and internally cursed Alex for talking so loudly.

“You’re really not surprised?” asked Sora.

“And you are? Look, this place-”

Around June’s midriff, someone cleared their throat. Loudly.

Everyone looked down to see a four-foot gnome in a pointy orange hat glaring up at the class, seeming to spend an especially long time on June. 

_Trust us to have been put in Forest Group Three,_ June thought gloomily, staring down at Yuba the Gnome, who looked nothing short of utterly horrified to see her.

There was a very long pause.

“…hi?” said Alex awkwardly from behind June.

Yuba took one look at her.

His mouth went slack, his eyes bugged-

“I don’t get paid enough for this.” He declared.

And he turned around, walked off, and started trying to get back in his hole.

“Oh, bloody hell.” Moaned Alex. June sighed.

“Sometimes I wish you weren’t who you were, you know.”

“ _You_ do?” snapped Alex as Yuba grumped a couple of metres away, ramming his legs back into the tunnel, muttering all the while;

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. I swore I would never teach them again-”

Alex’s face dropped.

“Don’t tell me this is about my _parents, again!”_

Yuba ignored her, but June definitely caught Tedros’s name once or twice amidst his grumblings.

“Couldn’t recognise malicious intent if it stabbed him-”

“Hey, I’m talking to you-” attempted Alex, but Yuba talked over her, getting louder;

“Never had a lesson that wasn’t _chaos,_ nearly died because of their idiocy, now they’ve sent me this girl expecting her to just be better-”

“Hey-”

_“Unacceptable-”_

Alex had been long overdue for another furious outburst, it seemed, and now she was going steadily more and more scarlet. June started counting down as Yuba grumbled and the class whispered-

_“OI! I’M TALKING TO YOU!”_ thundered Alex.

Very slowly, Yuba turned back to Alex.

“HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER IF ALL YOU’RE GONNA DO IS _COMPLAIN_ ABOUT TEACHING ME, INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY TEACHING ME?”

Everyone had stopped whispering. Alex stared at Yuba, apparently waiting for an answer. June wondered what the rest of Alex’s day had been like. Probably shit, considering her chin was taped up and she’d gotten riled up so easily.

Yuba did not respond for a long moment. Thorne spat in the bushes. A bird flew through the clearing, and one of the Nevers chucked a stone at it.

“You make a surprisingly good point for someone related to Tedros of Camelot.” Said Yuba grudgingly. He seemed remarkably unfazed by Alex’s outburst.

Alex cast him a withering glare, but Yuba either didn’t notice or didn’t care. June would have bet on the second one.

“Well, then.” He said, hauling himself out of the hole and stumping over to them. “I’ve got Princess Shouty and Baby Witch, along with Not Supposed To Be Here and Grumpy Everboy. What could go wrong?”

“What the hell did I do?” demanded Sora. Yuba ignored him.  

“There’s a number of items scattered throughout the forest which could all be helpful on a quest. Find them and bring them back here, then tell me, once we’ve got them all, how they could help. Next lesson, we’re gonna use ‘em. Get into groups and go.” 

* * *

 

"Alex, I don’t think there’s gonna be anything up there-”

Nadiya and June watched Alex scale one of the blue pine trees- June with amusement, Nadiya with mild concern- as Sora rootled around in the bushes nearby.

“You think everything is just gonna be in plain sight?” shouted down Alex.

“She has a point. Again.” June said to Nadiya, who just sighed.

“Is there anything, then?” she shouted up.

Alex did not respond. June rolled her eyes.

“Probably found a cool bird- what do _you_ want?”

Sora straightened up and Nadiya frowned, both watching Thorne emerge from the trees and lean against the trunk of the tree Alex was still in.

“Nothing much.” He said. His voice was raspy and reminded June uncomfortably of some other Nevers she knew and actually liked.

“Piss off, then.”

“You’re friendly. Much nicer to Evers, aren’t you?”

“Depends.” Said June. She didn’t much like where this was going.

“D’you think a squirrel is helpful? It’s blue.”

Thorne looked up as Alex’s voice floated down from the tree. So did the others.

“…no, keep looking!” Nadiya called up.

“… yeah but I’m sort of… holding it. So…?”

“Just let it go!” Sora barked. Alex didn’t respond. There was a lot of rustling from the upper branches.

June groaned.

“Is that our illustrious princess?” asked Thorne. June frowned at his tone- and then even more when he pulls a small catapult out of his pocket. “D’you think I can shoot her down?”

“In that tree? With that twig?” drawled Sora, even though Nadiya looked a bit concerned. “Good luck.”

“Well, your girlfriend looks worried.” Thorne retorted, peering up into the branches. Nadiya rolled her eyes, but something like amusement flickered on Sora’s face.

“Nadiya’s definitely not my girlfriend. Anyway, just based off what I’ve seen over the last few days, trying to mess with Alex never works out very well.”

Thorne ignored him, but June nodded in agreement.

“He’s right. Alex has this weird thing-”

“I really could _not_ care less.” Snapped Thorne, and June found herself unsettled by the aggression that briefly crested his unbothered face. He tested the elastic a couple of times, and looked up into the tree again-

“OW!” the tree bellowed. “OW, NADIYA, IT BIT ME!”

“What- the squirrel? Why didn’t you let it go?”

“Well, I did, but then I noticed it had something tied to its leg, like a pouch- OW! OUCH! HEY, STOP-”

“Aren’t animals meant to like princesses?” asked Sora weakly, as various noises of commotion were emitted from the tree, and several disgruntled birds vacated the upper branches. Students nearby had stopped to look, too. Yuba had his head in his hands. June just shrugged.

“Alex isn’t very good at being a princess though, is she?”

While they’d been talking, Thorne had clearly managed to get a good aim, and now he grinned, pulling back the elastic-

There was a crack like a gunshot, followed by a loud shriek-

“The branch?” guessed June. Nadiya winced-

 And branch, leaves, squirrel, Alex and pouch all came tumbling out of the tree.

Thorne didn’t even have time to move.

Alex landed dead on him, knocking him flat, and sending them both sprawling in the cyan leaves and grass. The squirrel went soaring in a neat arc, before landing with an outraged squeak in the shrubbery opposite.

“Sorry!” Alex shouted after it. Then she noticed who she was lying on. “Oh, _sorry,_ mate, I had no idea you were there, here-”

Despite the fact she’d just fallen a good distance, Alex tottered to her feet, seeming no worse for wear, hauled Thorne up, and busied herself with brushing leaves and dirt off of him, whilst he stood there, bemused, and the students around them giggled. Yuba had gone striding off to interrogate someone else, apparently not interested in dealing with Alex now he was sure she hadn’t broken her neck.

June had now remembered exactly why she didn’t hang around with Alex much. The girl was a good-natured disaster magnet- trust her to be dusting down a kid who’d just been trying to knock her out of a tree.

“Um-” began Nadiya as Alex, satisfied that Thorne was okay, came trotting back over.

“Nah, later, look what I found!”

Alex held up a small leather pouch.

“Great. A pouch.” Muttered Sora.

“No, right, I checked, it’s got fairy dust in it!”

“…seriously?” asked June, suddenly interested. “Can I take some, I’ve been needing it in my newest potion-”

“You make potions?” interrupted Nadiya. June shrugged.

“Yeah. I’m not bad, either.”

“Modest, though.” Mumbled Sora. June shot him a dirty look.

“Did Yuba actually plant it, though?” She asked Alex. “Or did you just steal some fairy’s secret stash? Not that I care.”

Alex blinked.

“Oh, good point- OI, YUBA!”

“ _What?_ ” Snapped the gnome from right beside her.

“Oh! Hi. Did you plant this?”

Alex handed him the pouch.

Yuba looked immensely pained for a few seconds. June fully expected him to say no, and was preparing to snatch it and run-

“Yes.” He admitted tiredly. “And I genuinely didn’t expect anyone to get it. But you did. And you didn’t break your back. So… I guess that means you get top ranks.”

Alex goggled at him.

_“Really?”_

“You’re not the only one who’s surprised.” Grumped the gnome, dumping the pouch back in her hand and shuffling away.

“Rude.” Said Alex, but she was grinning anyway. “I haven’t had anything above eighteen all day!”

“Didn’t we win swordplay?” asked Nadiya as they headed back to the clearing.

“Espada forgot to rank us.” Grumbled Sora. “He was too busy trying to get Buttercup back into the forest.”

June snorted, pouring some of the fairy dust into her pockets.

“Sucks to be you, I guess.”

As she did so, though, she noticed Thorne out of the corner of her eye; he was still stood by the pine, glaring at Alex’s back.

Any other time, she’d have laughed at him, stood there fuming about Alex’s weird stroke of luck which had foiled his plan, like the most pathetic sort of villain. But he looked so fierce, so intense about it, that she didn’t.

Instead, she resolved to keep an eye on him.

Ahead of her, Alex tripped over a tree root, and June turned away from Thorne to laugh at her.

But she was sure he was still glaring after them.

 


	18. PSA: this fic isn't encouraging being horrible to teachers,,, respect ur teachers kids

The final lesson of the day was Good Deeds, which was probably not a great idea, considering they were all hungry and tired and probably weren’t at their most “Good”, especially considering the day that they’d just had-

The door banged open.

"Hello, children." Said Dean Cromwell, swooping inside with a whirl of flower-patterned fabric. "Please take a seat."

Alex’s face dropped.

"Oh dear." Chirped Sora from next to her. "Had you forgotten she was teaching us?"

"Yes." Alex griped, shuffling into her desk. "I wasn't _that_ rude, was I?"

"No." Said Nadiya at the same time Sora said "Yes."

Nadiya sighed.

"Well, maybe you could have handled it a bit better." She admitted. "But it wasn't _that_ bad." 

"Thanks, guys." Muttered Alex, suddenly wishing she had sat further towards the back.

"Don't mention it." Sora waved Talib over to the seat next to him. "I wouldn't feel too bad though, you could have both been nicer to one another. Any chance of a nice reconciliation now?"

Before Alex could respond, Cromwell stood up, and the vague hum of chatter faded out, as she clasped her hands in front of her and smiled the same indulgent smile that she'd worn at the Welcoming a few days prior.

"Good afternoon, Evers. I hope you've had a fulfilling first day at the School for Good. I am Dean Cromwell and I will be teaching you Good Deeds. Now, as we know, you are all fundamentally Good at heart, or you would not have been selected by the School Master to attend."

Alex thought of Thorne, who, had definitely not been selected by the School Master, and frowned.

Cromwell continued;

"But you are likely to have strengths and weaknesses in your quests to become truly Good souls… some may have more weaknesses than others, which is sometimes just how it goes."

Which was where she chose to make eye contact with Alex.

"Oh... that's cold." Whispered Nadiya. Alex sighed.

Cromwell didn't acknowledge either of them- she just carried on.

"So, to get a sense of what your strengths and weaknesses are, individually, we're going to do a little quiz together as a class!"

"That... doesn't sound so bad?" Ventured Nadiya. Sora looked sceptical.

As it turned out, he was right to- every answer they gave was wrong.

The quiz was a set of questions given by Cromwell that they had to supply the solution to in front of the class. The first one;

"You are at the market when you come face to face with who you recognise as a notorious bandit who recently attempted to kidnap a member of the Camelot Royal Family-"

"Of course." Muttered Alex.

"Who would they kidnap?" Hissed Sora.

"Me?" Murmured Alex, peering over at Cromwell. "Plus, Ros is too annoying, they'd give her back, ain't no one getting away with Marcus, because no one's clever enough, you try to grab Dad and he'll take your head off, and you wouldn't get in within a mile of Mom.  Maybe Chicken?"

"Chicken?" Asked Talib.

"My dog. He's dumb."

Talib snorted. Alex tuned back into Cromwell;

"- you can see blood coming from several severe-looking wounds. Despite this, however, he pulls a knife on you and demands your valuables- then promptly collapses. What do you do?"

"Let's see what you think!" Chirped Cromwell. "Hands up if you've got an idea!"

Deciding that she'd at least give it a go, in an attempt to get back in Cromwell's good books, Alex put up her hand.

Cromwell seemed to take this as a challenge.

"Yes, Alexandra?"

"Um… I'd stop him bleeding and then hand him over to the law, but make sure that he got medical care there? So he didn't die?"

She knew Cromwell wasn't convinced the second she'd finished talking- she pressed her pink lips together and looked vaguely understanding.

"Ah…well, that's very _noble,_ dear, but don't forget, he tried to kidnap- well, he could have tried to kidnap _you_ , according to this question."

Alex blinked.

"What, he can't get medical care because he tried to kidnap me or like... Rosalind? Even if you _really_ don't care about him, he still needs to be alive for his trial, at the very least."

"That's… true." Said Cromwell reluctantly. "But don't you think you're discarding his past crimes a bit?"

"Well... no." Said Alex.

Cromwell frowned.

It did not get better.

Sora's suggestion to help the cooks set it right at a disastrous dinner hosted for rich friends was dismissed, Nadiya's idea to gently suggest a different viewpoint to a very stubborn, but well-meaning King (Alex had felt that was oddly familiar) was tutted at, and just in general, any of the actually good (Good?) ideas were scorned. Instead, she favoured Tyler's suggestion to fire the cooks and host a new dinner the next week and agreed vehemently when Kia said that she would just agree with the King, despite his badly thought out decision.

By halfway through, Alex was thoroughly fed up. She could see Nadiya scowling too, and even Talib was frowning. It was a mess- nothing Cromwell considered "right" was a good idea, or sensible, or indeed "Good." To Alex, it felt rather like she was operating on the idea of being Good, rather than actually being a good person.

The final straw was when Cromwell, apparently exasperated with their mediocre answers, handed out physical versions of the quiz, multiple choice so that they couldn't, in her words, "be too far off of the mark."

And the quiz was a disaster. Alex was fairly sure that Cromwell had just stolen most of Dovey's old questions- the first one was the same scenario that her mother had faced, an injured dove falling onto the dance floor during a ball. However, the answers were somewhat changed.

  1. _Continue dancing and ignore the bird_
  2. _Kick the bird away and attend to it later on, after the dance has finished_
  3. _Scream and stop the dance_



There were no other options? Bewildered, Alex flipped over the paper, but there were just more questions.

She looked at another. This one was similar too, though slightly changed;

  1. _A popular Everboy who you are rivalling in the rankings, has unbearably dreadful breath at the Snow Ball, and people are starting to whisper- what do you do?"_
  2. _say nothing- he is your rival, and you want to become top of your class_
  3. _Join in the whispering_
  4. _Don't say anything- he'd be horribly embarrassed_
  5. _Tell him in front of everyone- at least he knows._



But none of them were good ideas?

Alex flipped through the quiz, but they were all the same; vain, stupid -or sometimes downright mean- solutions to problems, even to something as simple as a friend being upset that no one would eat her dish at the potluck. 

She cast a confused glance behind her; and found to her surprise, that Sora was visibly fuming.

He leaned forward when he caught her eye.

"Is this seriously what she thinks is right?"

Alex shrugged weakly.

"Shall I ask?"

Sora looked doubtful, but Alex put her hand up anyway.

"Excuse me, Professor?"

"Yes, dear?"

"What if you don't agree with any of the options?"

Cromwell smiled tightly.

"Well, these are all perfectly valid responses… So it may be a failing on your part, rather than mine, as you seem to be suggesting."

"What?" Spluttered Nadiya- probably louder than she’d intended, but Cromwell ignored her.

"If you must disagree, Alexandra, as I get the impression you're a rather… _stubborn_ girl, I would suggest writing in your own."

Alex gawked at her.

"But- I never-"

"Get on with it, girl!" Snapped Cromwell, her serene smile wavering dramatically. "You're no better than anyone else, here, no matter what you seem to think!"

She turned away, leaving Alex staring at the quiz, feeling rather hurt. She could hear Tyler sniggering in the background, which definitely didn't help-

Sora poked her in the back.

"What?" She snapped, not particularly wanting to talk to him right now.

"We're gonna write in _answers,_ right?"

"Yeah- why'd you say it like that?"

Sora smiled blandly.

"Well, it's a failing on our part, isn't it, if we do? Maybe it should be a very dramatic failing."

"I'm no good at subtlety." Growled Alex. "Just tell me."

Sora sighed.

"Write dumb shit, Alex. Like Agatha, but stupid rather than cynical and accidentally Good. Everyone wants you to be like your mom, don't they? So be like your mom."

Alex's eyes went big.

"Oooh."

* * *

 

Ten minutes later, Alex had annotated the whole booklet with completely implausible solutions to all of the dilemmas. Behind her, Sora was scribbling furiously, and so was Nadiya, to her left.

Question one's solutions now read;

  1. _Continue dancing and ignore the bird_
  2. _Kick the bird away_
  3. _Scream and stop the dance_
  4. **_take the bird as your new dance partner_**



She circled D, and continued throughout the whole quiz in the same way, until Cromwell, who had plastered her smile back onto her face, called over the chatter;

"Please hand your quizzes to the front, and I will read out the best scores!"

Grinning, Alex handed hers forwards, and the others did the same.

 

* * *

 

 

The first couple of minutes were fine; some people had come to the same idea of writing in answers as Alex had. Talib, who apparently had not overheard Sora's plan, had carefully annotated the entire quiz with alternate, actually Good solutions, that still somehow incorporated some of the original ones.

"He's gonna top the rankings, mark my words." Said Nadiya confidently to Alex, as Cromwell told them about how Talib would eat some of the Evergirl's neglected dish himself, so that she wouldn't feel left out, and tell everyone else to try it, so that it would have more of a chance with the other guests, too-

And then Cromwell tutted.

"Talib, dear, this is very… optimistic. Don't you think that trying to convince people to eat something that they haven't tried themselves, and therefore probably don't want to, is a bit… pushy? You shouldn't try to make people do things they don't want to."

Talib blinked.

"Well, maybe they just didn't notice it. It doesn't say in the question-"

"I think you're an idealist, dear, which isn't always the best thing to be. Maybe think a little more realistically, next time."

Talib looked quickly down at the table, fidgeting awkwardly with his pen.

Nadiya piped up;

"But… I thought that was really good."

"Then you clearly have a lot to learn." Sniffed Cromwell, tossing Talib's sheet onto her desk and rifling through the others.

"I did, as well." Agreed Alex. "I didn't think it was unrealistic."

"Alexandra,” snapped their teacher, “your opinion doesn't matter right now, no matter how much you _think_ it does. We are _moving on._ "

Alex, feeling a bit crushed, shut up.

Talib shot them a grateful smile from his desk once she turned away, but he still looked unhappy.

Sora, meanwhile, looked a bit like he'd had a sudden realisation- although, why Talib’s imaginary scenario about a neglected potluck dish would invoke an epiphany, Alex wasn't sure. He almost looked… angry?

Cromwell flipped onto another quiz and looked slightly exasperated.

"Ah, more write-ins. How… nice. Is this yours, Sora?"

Sora blinked a few times, and then seemed to realise he was being addressed.

A slow smile spread on his face.

"Oh- yes, professor. Would you like me to read it out?"

"Go on, then-"

Cromwell waved the paper towards him.

"Okay, um…" Sora took it and leaned back a bit, clearing his throat. "This is question two, about the popular Everboy with bad breath at the ball… these are _admirable_ solutions, but I would try something a little more direct, to divert attention and avoid potential embarrassment for him over his breath."

"Oh, how noble!" Chirped Cromwell, no longer sounding as disparaging on _noble_ as she had when she'd addressed Alex earlier. "How so?"

Sora smiled blandly.

"Why, it seems to me that the best course of action is to snog him passionately for five minutes on the balcony so that your breaths match and he doesn't have to suffer alone- but also simultaneously creating a bigger scandal, so no one will care about his breath. Wouldn't you agree?"

Alex choked.

Talib burst out laughing, which was a nice contrast to his previous miserable expression.

Cromwell went a wonderful shade of pink, and then white. Her mouth flopped open, and she just stared at him. So did half of the class.

Tyler leaned over to gawk at Sora, tilting forward in his chair-

Sora winked at him and Tyler fell back with a bang.

Talib laughed so hard he started coughing.

Nadiya caught on.

"Professor, I think I had a write-in answer for question 16."

Desperate for a distraction, Cromwell whirled to her.

"Yes-?"

"It's not as nice as Talib's, but... well, the question says that you see your friend, who had donated a tart to the party buffet, becoming upset that no-one is eating her food, right? So, _surely_ , the best idea is to fall into the table in a faked fainting fit, effectively eliminating all of the other dishes so that everyone is forced to eat your friend's dish?"

Alex had a sudden vision of Nadiya crumpling into a table and catapulting various casseroles and snorted. The rest of the class was laughing now, too- even Tyler looked faintly amused. Determined not to be left out, though, Alex raised her hand.

"Professor, you know when the bird falls onto the dancefloor at the ball?"

"…yes?" Asked Cromwell weakly. Alex raised her voice to be heard over the laughter.

"Surely it would be a strength in my quest for a Truly Good Soul if I ditched my date and took the bird as my dance partner?"

 

* * *

 

 

They got the three lowest marks.

"Why did _I_ get twenty?" Wailed Alex as they sloped out. "Sora's was worse! And Tyler got _first_ for saying that he would kick an injured bird!"

“That’s twisting it, a bit.” Pointed out Nadiya.

“Would _you_ do it-?”

Sora interrupted.

"Yeah, he's crap, but- I'm sorry? Mine was a _masterpiece_ , put that in your Royal Rot and they'll sell more copies than they did that time your dad and King Adrian of Jaunt Jolie had a fight at a garden party."

Alex smiled vaguely.

"I caused that, actually- wait. Do you _read the Royal Rot_?"

"I love trash magazines, Alex." Said Sora, without a trace of shame.

"Not at _my_ expense!" wailed Alex.

"I didn't even know you until this week!"

Nadiya laughed, but they were passing the ranking board, and all three found themselves looking to see who topped the board after the first day;

  1. **Talib of Glass Mountains**
  2. **Tyler of Oakwood**



Sora looked rather smug, seeing Talib's name at the top, despite Cromwell's dismissal- and then his eyes slid to the second name.

"Tyler? He was good in Physical Education, but he wasn't the best, and he got quite high in Chivalry… I guess the Good Deeds mark bumped him up…?"

He trailed off, frowning, but Alex was already peering down the board, not really paying attention.

"Where are we…?"

And then she spotted her name. So far down it was nearly at the bottom.

"Oh."

Nadiya was somewhere in the middle, as was Sora, but Alex was definitely the lowest of the three of them. There were only a few people below her.

Alex's shoulders sagged.

"I _really_ wish Espada hadn't forgotten to rank us."

"You-"

Whatever Sora was about to say was interrupted, as Talib passed them with a cheerful wave in their direction- and Sora ditched them completely, hurrying after him without so much as a goodbye.

"Hmm." Said Nadiya.

"What?" Said Alex. "They're both going to Honour Tower, what's so mysterious about that?"

Nadiya shot her a disbelieving look.

"… Never mind."

Alex shrugged and looked back at the board, sighing.

"What am I supposed to tell my parents?" She griped as they began to head back up to the dorm before dinner. " _Sorry, Dad, I'm failing because I mouthed off to the Dean twice in one day, look like you when I smile, hit myself in the face with a butter knife, Hort just ranked at random, and Espada forgot to give us our ranks._ "

"It's only the first day." Nadiya pointed out as they made their way up the glass staircase. "I'm sure you'll do better tomorrow. Maybe... I don't know, maybe you should try and be a bit nicer to Cromwell?"

"Oh, god, really-?"

"I think that's a good idea."

They both turned to see Marcy walking behind them.

"What?"

"Well, you haven't been very polite to her so far, have you?" Said Marcy, wearing an irritatingly lofty expression. "And she's our Dean."

Alex's temper, which had been bubbling below the surface ever since Good Deeds, flared.

"It's rude to eavesdrop." She snapped, stalking ahead, but Marcy followed her, hurrying past Nadiya, who had hung back, frowning.

"You were talking pretty loud."

"I've been known to. What are you trying to say?"

"Well, you've just been making life hard for her this whole time, haven't you? And she's new. She's just trying to help, it's not fair that you're judging hers."

"Funny." Growled Alex. "I seem to remember I was _just trying to help_ the other day when I chucked that jug on you, and you've been avoiding me since."

That hit a nerve.

"That solved nothing!" Hissed Marcy. "It just humiliated me, and made you look like an idiot!"

"Well then, I won't bother next time!" Seethed Alex, flinging open the door to the dorm. Marcy stormed after her.

"Don't! And while you're at it, stop trying to make yourself look superior to Cromwell!"

"Are you on her payroll or something?" Alex flung herself onto her bed and glared at Marcy, who glared right back.

"Maybe I want to make a good impression! Because, unlike you, I can't strut around and immediately get full marks for nothing! You should understand! Your mom was a Reader, like me-"

Alex did _not_ want to hear about Agatha from Marcy, of all people. She didn't want to hear about her parents from _anyone._ So she deliberately ignored the last comment.

"I was failed _twice_ today!"

"Good!"

“ _Excuse_ me?" Spat Alex.

"Maybe it'll bring you down a bit- try playing on our level!"

"No one is treating me like I'm special!"

"So why are you wearing _that_?” Marcy stabbed her finger at Alex's uniform.

"Because I _asked_!" Howled Alex.

"But not everyone agrees! Cromwell only let you wear it because of your parents!"

"But-"

"The Agatha that I read about wouldn't be happy to hear you were making life hard for the new Dean-"

" _SHUT UP-!"_

“ _Stop it_." Said Nadiya from right beside them.

Alex was so surprised that she hadn't noticed her come in, that she did. Marcy did too.

"Stop it." Nadiya repeated. "Both of you. You're both being stupid. Apologise."

"No." Said Alex immediately. Nadiya frowned at her.

"I didn't start this!" Barked Alex.

"It doesn't matter who started it." Said Nadiya in that same, even, tone. "Apologise to each other, now. You've both said bad stuff, and you're sharing a room, so if you just leave it, it'll flare up again."

"But-"

" _Now."_ Said Nadiya pointedly.

Feeling rather like she was facing her mother, Alex muttered some sort of apology for the second time that day.

"…sorry. For shouting at you."

"Yeah, sorry." Said Marcy quickly. "Sorry."

But much like Tyler and Alex, a few lessons ago, it was clear that neither of them was really sorry. Nadiya probably saw it, too, but she was satisfied for now.

She shot them a final, rather scary, glance, and turned away to change her shoes for dinner.

Alex flopped back on her bed and stared at the canopy, trying to work out if her first day had been _bad, dreadful,_ or _dismal._

She settled on _ghastly_ when the nymph knocked on the door and informed Nadiya and Alex of their detentions from Dean Cromwell.


	19. ALEX SWEETIE I'M SO SORRY

Sora met Nadiya and Alex for detention the next morning, unhappily early- the sun was only just over the horizon, and Tyler and Luke had both been asleep when he'd left.

Nadiya was very clearly not a morning person- she was bleary-eyed and blinked at him vaguely as he approached. Alex had her usual boundless energy, unsurprisingly.

As Sora joined the two girls, though, he got the odd impression that there was some sort of tension between them. The normally unbothered Alex looked vaguely uncomfortable, and beneath all of her morning grogginess, Nadiya seemed irritated. Sora wondered if they'd had a fight. It seemed unlikely, but Alex definitely had a temper, as demonstrated on the first day, so perhaps it wasn't too out of the question.

He knew better than to ask, though, so he stopped beside them and peered at the brief in Nadiya's hands.

"She couldn't be bothered to come and tell us herself, then?" He asked, sighting the signature on the bottom.

"For once, I don't blame her." Grumped Alex. "It's _early_."

Sora made a non-committal noise, scanning the note.

"Pruning roses until first lesson?"

Alex blinked.

"That doesn't sound so-"

"Don't say it." Warned Sora. "Every time we say that something _doesn't sound so bad_ , it's worse. What's the catch?"

Nadiya shrugged from where she was rifling through the box of supplies.

"All they've given us is some clippers and gloves. Nothing that suggests danger."

"It says to be careful, though." Mused Alex, tossing the note onto a nearby bench.

"She's probably just warning us terrible delinquents away from ruining her roses." Grunted Sora, hefting a pair of clippers. "Only one way to find out, right?"

 

* * *

 

Unfortunately, he was wrong.

The roses tried their level best to ruin _them._

"I guess we just… start?" Offered Alex. Sora shrugged.

"Go for it."

Apprehensively, Alex reached out and chopped off one of the dead buds.

Nothing happened.

Sora raised an eyebrow.

"Well, what do you know? I guess it’s not d-"

The bush reared like a spooked horse and shot a torrent of thorns at Alex's head.

Alex ducked so fast that she ended up in a heap on the floor, and the thorns embedded themselves in the tree behind her.

"Good reflexes." Said Nadiya.

"-angerous." Finished Sora grumpily.

Alex said something much stronger from where she lay in the grass.

"Why didn't she _tell_ us?" She howled. "Why is everyone at the school trying to get us killed?"

Sora opened his mouth to contest that, caught sight of his still-purple eye in the reflection of the lake and the bandage still plastered to Alex's chin, and shut it again.

"… Maybe we didn't do it right?" Offered Nadiya weakly. "We could try and…"

She pinched off another bud- and staggered backwards as a thorn-laden branch lashed through the air, narrowly missing her stomach.

"Nope." Said Sora as Nadiya landed in the grass next to Alex.

"Tie 'em up?" Offered Alex, tottering to her feet. Nadiya frowned, propping herself up on an elbow.

"No- I think I know these. There's a couple of bushes near my family's house."

"Ever nobility have rose bushes that beat up the gardeners?" Demanded Sora.

" _We_ don't." Griped Nadiya. "And I don't think Alex has ever seen them, have you?"

"I think I'd remember if I got beaten up by a bush in my own garden." Grumbled Alex. Nadiya grinned.

"Fair enough. I think they're used to stop people stealing the roses."

"Almost everyone in all the old fairy tales could have done with one of them." Mused Sora.

"I think that's why they're produced."

"Bit late, isn't it? Everyone's learned that lesson."

"Probably." Admitted Nadiya. "But I don't know how to prune them. Presumably there's a way.…?"

"We could just do it, get heroically beaten up serving our penance, and offer our bloodied wounds as payment to Cromwell?" Suggested Sora. "Maybe then she'll like us."

"No." Said Alex and Nadiya together.

"Okay."

They stood and stared at the bushes for a minute.

"Oh, to hell with it." Said Alex, and yanked a leaf off-

A branch knocked her off of her feet.

 

* * *

 

They gave up after two minutes.

"Why are they even on our side of the bay?" Wailed a bloody-cheeked Alex. "What if some poor passing Everboy wants to present a flower to his love? He'll get his head knocked right off!"

"Proves his dedication, doesn't it?" Growled Sora. He was starting to think that Cromwell had done this on purpose.

Nadiya flopped down onto the grass, groaning.

"How did she not know about them?" She asked weakly.

"Oh- um, hi, guys."

Sora spun.

Talib was stood awkwardly behind them, clutching a stack of toast wrapped in napkins, and staring at their bloody faces.

"How- um, how's it going?"

Sora scowled.

"Shi-"

"Not so good." Interrupted Nadiya. "The bushes don't like being pruned. They try and attack you if you chop anything off."

To the three's utter surprise, Talib looked almost _cheerful._

"Oh, I know these! There's some near my family's farm, they're meant to fight off people who try and steal the flowers."

"We know." Said Sora grimly. Talib smiled at him. Sora felt a little less grim.

"Well, it's okay, because I know how to stop them."

"Oh, my god, marry me." Said Alex.

Sora frowned, although _why_ he frowned, he wasn’t sure.

Talib laughed slightly awkwardly.

"You get inheritance." Alex pointed out. "It's so you'll put up with me."

Talib blinked.

"How much _is_ your inheritance?"

"Dunno. I think it got lowered by the court after I put frogs in Lady Louise's bathtub, when she called my mom a hag-"

"Okay, thank you." Interrupted Sora. "If we let Talib finish his breakfast, and then he can show us-"

Talib shook his head emphatically.

"Oh, no, this isn't mine! I bought it for you guys, after I realised you must have already been in detention. You know, I wasn't really sitting with anyone, so I was looking for you..." He trailed off a bit, and stared awkwardly at them. "Um. Yeah. It's yours."

Sora gaped at him.

"You brought us breakfast, and then offered to help us fight the killer bushes?" Managed Nadiya.

"Um… yes?" Talib was starting to look nervous. "Is that okay?"

"Forget Alex, marry _me_." Blurted Sora.

And then he realised what he'd said- but before he could panic, Alex gasped comically loudly.

"Homewrecker! How dare you! I'm his fiancée-"

"Not anymore, you're not." Sora said primly, shoving down his panic and turning to square up to Alex-

Talib laughed, shoving toast into their hands.

"Thanks for the sentiment, but for now, just have toast. I'll show you- you've basically got to assert dominance."

"Over a plant that's trying to kill you?" Alex said through a mouthful of toast, as Talib rolled up his sleeves, took Alex's gloves, and strode across to the bushes. "I'll pass."

Sora watched him approach the bushes, brows raised. He didn't know how he hadn't noticed- of course he lived on a farm. His shoulders were broadened by work and he was easily one of the most muscular Everboys here-

Alex started choking on her toast, and Sora was wrenched out of his thoughts as Nadiya thumped her on the back and Talib reached the killer roses.

He pulled off a leaf and braced himself.

Immediately, the plant spun to life, lashing a tangle of brambles towards him-

Talib grabbed hold of the bramble as it whipped forwards, wincing as it snapped around his forearm, and tugged hard, muscles straining against his shirt-

Sora gawked as the bush gave a great shudder and went still. Talib had made it look easy, but it obviously hadn't been, not with the way his shirt had tightened around his shoulders-

Sora realised Nadiya was looking at him and shut his mouth with a snap.

Alex was clapping.

"Yay! Ten out of ten! Good job, love, show me what to do, and with a bit of luck, I'll keep my pretty face!"

 

* * *

 

They sloped down to Animal Communication all together, sweaty and muddy, but with mission accomplished, and with much higher spirits than before.

"Well, if that ever crops up in our Trial, we'll know what to do." Yawned Alex.

"Somehow, I think we'll meet bigger challenges than angry bushes." Muttered Sora. Alex either ignored him or didn't hear him- he was never quite sure which one it was. Just not hearing seemed more likely, though.

Sora caught sight of Marcy walking nearby, but when she saw them approaching, she turned away, scowling, and hurried to catch up with Tyler, Luke, and Kia.

Ah.

He caught Nadiya's eye, and she seemed to know what he meant. Once she was sure Alex was chattering away to Talib, she fell back to walk with him.

"You and Alex-" began Sora, still looking ahead-

"We didn't fight. Alex and Marcy did." Murmured Nadiya. "Marcy told Alex a bunch of stuff Alex didn't want to hear, and was a bit holier-than-thou about it. Alex got pissed off, inevitably. Marcy said that Alex was being given special treatment, was treating Cromwell badly, and so on. The only reason they're not still properly fighting now is because I forced them to apologise to each other. It won't last, though."

"No." Mused Sora, watching Marcy mutter to Tyler, shooting glances back at them. "I don't imagine it will."

"Not with Tyler in the mix." Nadiya glanced at him. "Have you heard him saying anything, since History?"

Sora shook his head slowly; Tyler had gone to great pains to hide what he was saying from him, although he and Luke had sent several furtive glances his way whilst they whispered, the past few nights.

"No- I think he knows I'm friends with her, and doesn't want me to confront him. Coward. But I don't think he's happy that Talib is beating him in the rankings, either."

Nadiya pulled a face, but they were approaching the lake now, and any openings for conversation were gone as the rest of the Evers assembled at the lakeside.

Princess Uma trotted towards them, beaming.

"Good morning, Evers! Welcome to your first animal communicat-"

She caught sight of Alex, stopped briefly, took a deep breath, and carried on. Sora had to admire her resolve, at the very least, even if the teachers-balking-at-the-sight-of-Alex phenomenon was getting old, now.

"Uh, Animal Communication. Lesson."

Alex sighed. Tyler made a face behind her, and Marcy giggled. Alex didn't seem to notice.

"Can I just put it out there, right now, that I can't grant wishes?"

"Are you _sure_?" Squeaked Uma. 

"I spent the first five years of my life with random dignitaries hurling Mogrifs into my lap to try and get me to do it. It doesn't work."

Marcy muttered something to Kia, and the two of them dissolved into giggles. A faint crease appeared in Nadiya's brow. Alex still didn't look around, though.

Sora had a very bad feeling about them, but he forced himself to ignore it.

"Oh. Good." Said Uma faintly. "That's... Yes. Good."

"Or not, if you consider you need to be 100% Good to do it." Nadiya muttered to Sora, who snorted.

Uma cleared her throat, looking so relieved it was almost comical.

"Right… erm, with that out of the way, moving on… today, I thought we'd start with one of our more popular- and useful- languages."

She turned towards the woods and gave out a series of short barks.

"Oh, no." Murmured Sora-

Twenty wolves came bounding out of the woods.

Great.

Sora considered trying to drown himself in the lake. Looking at the big yellow eyes, slathering jaws, and jagged teeth, it certainly seemed preferable.

Unfortunately, no one else seemed to share in his apprehension.

"We're learning Dog for the next few weeks!" Announced Uma cheerfully. "This is one of our most popular courses-"

"Is it?" Said Sora weakly. Not that anyone heard him; Uma was still talking, and most of the others, Alex and Talib included, looked gleeful;

"I want each of you to select a wolf, take one of these worksheets, and try and learn a series of basic commands, then through the obstacle course which I have set up. The wolf you select will be yours for the next few weeks. Off you go!"

Alex was already off, Talib hot on her heels, and even Nadiya and Marcy looked cheerful about it. Sora dragged his feet after them, feeling vaguely ill.

The wolves snuffled curiously around the students as they approached. Alex wasted no time; she went wading through the sea of sleek grey coats and _hugged_ a smaller dog at the back, who'd been scavenging in the lakeside, but somehow looked perfectly happy to have Alex hugging it, even though it was still massive and could have easily taken her throat out in one bite.

Sora watched her bop its nose and ruffle the fur on the scruff of its neck with mounting incredulity.

"That's… not a dog." He told her faintly. Alex waved him off as the wolf slathered all over her breeches. Sora mentally started writing her obituary.

"Don't be daft, they're just big old doggies! Aren't you? Yes! Yes, you are!"

Sora made a vague noise of agreement, and left Alex to baby talk the apex predator, wondering if he could sit this out-

 

* * *

 

Something damp bumped into his hand, and he looked down into a pair- no, not one, _three_ pairs of yellow eyes.

He yanked his hand away so fast that he hit himself in the face.

"Oh, my god."

He was basically surrounded. Three wolves stared balefully up at him, wagging their tails languidly. Could they smell fear? Or was that bears? What did they want from him? He hadn't chosen one. Did they want to eat him? Maybe he should have hugged them like Alex. Or maybe they were going to eat her, too. Maybe they wanted to get belly rubs before they killed them all-

"Wow, Sora, they really like you!"

Sora looked up into Talib's big dark eyes, where he was stood with his wolf a few feet away.

He made a weak noise that wasn't really a response, and Talib's eyes widened.

"Are you scared of d-"

"Don't say it!" Snapped Sora. Talib blinked.

"Oh. Okay. Well… um, if you look, they haven't mauled Alex yet."

Indeed, Alex was gambolling about in the grass with her (very excited) wolf. How many commands she'd actually managed to get the wolf to respond to was doubtful- currently, she was hauling herself over the obstacle course in some sort of mad demonstration, whilst her wolf leaped around her ankles.

"She's... uh, very enthusiastic." Said Talib, clearly struggling not to laugh. "I think she has a wolfhound at home, though, so not too different. Maybe you should just see which of these wolves follows you? And choose that one?"

There was literally nothing that Sora wanted to do less, but he did as Talib said, even though he didn’t really know why.

Sora took a tentative step forwards.

All three wolves followed him.

He took another. The same thing happened.

"Um…"

Another step. The same. Another. The same.

"Talib, why are they following me?" He wheezed.

"They really do like you!" Grinned Talib. The horror on Sora's face must have been obvious, though because he pressed his lips together in a well-meaning attempt to conceal his amusement, that didn't really work. "Okay, we can work together, I like dogs, I have one at home- come on, let's go get a worksheet."

He grabbed Sora’s hand in his much larger one, and yanked him over to the stack of paper, all four wolves still trailing at their heels.

Uma was beaming at them from her perch on a stump. Sora's brain was still trying to work out which panic he should prioritise more -the super deadly predators trotting at his feet, or the fact that Talib was holding his hand?-  and he didn't realise she was talking until she'd nearly finished-

"-a natural!"

“Really?" Croaked Sora. Uma seemed to mistake his dismay for excitement, though how anyone could do that when he probably looked ready to vomit right _on_ the damned wolves, he had no idea.

"Yes! Ooh, it's ever so exciting, try giving them a command!"

Behind them, Alex fell off the rope bridge and landed in the shallows of the lake with a splash, spraying a group of Evergirls nearby with mud, ("Sorry!" She wailed through a mouthful of pond water) and her wolf leapt after her with reckless abandon, barking joyfully.

"Well, there's something to be said for enthusiasm, at any rate." Sighed Uma, watching Alex peel pondweed off of her uniform. "And she has managed to get her wolf to follow her with surprising ease. Let me go and haul her out- give those commands a try, dear."

She strode off to yank Alex out of the lake.

Sora suspected it was Alex's unbridled enthusiasm and good nature, rather than any skill at Animal Communication, that was making it work for her, but he couldn't be bothered to say so, not with one of the wolves dribbling on his boots.

Talib had managed some degree of success, too, and it was much more ordered than Alex's- his wolf was rolling over and responding to his attempts at speaking Dog well enough.

Reluctantly, and sort of wishing Talib (or anyone, really, but _preferably_ Talib) was still holding his hand, Sora decided to try and get the dogs to do _something_.

"What are you going to choose?" Asked Talib. Sora shrugged.

"I guess I could just try _sit_ -?"

The dogs sat.

Talib's eyes went massive.

Sora's jaw went slack.

"Did they just-?"

"Woah- can you do that again?" demanded Nadiya from behind him.

"But... I don't know what I did?" Sora admitted. “I just- said it. I didn't even try and say it in Dog."

"Tell them to lie down!" Said Talib eagerly.

"To lie down-?"

The wolves flopped to their bellies, tongues lolling. This time, so did Talib's wolf, who'd clearly been listening, and now flopped onto Talib's boots.

Talib laughed.

"See?"

"I told you!" Uma proclaimed loudly from beside him, making him jump. "Natural!"

Tyler, who'd been listening nearby, didn't look happy that he was being outdone, even if it was completely by accident.

"Professor, look, my wolf-"

He turned to find his wolf with its leg cocked against a tree.

"Pisses on command?" Sora asked innocently. Tyler shot him a dirty look.

The wolves were still looking expectantly at Sora and remained where they were, even when the dynamic duo, Alex and Wolf, came bounding over with equal vigour.

"How's it going, guys- oh, Sora! Your pronunciation must be good, every time I try to say _sit_ she farts, I guess I'm doing something wrong-"

Nadiya was too busy laughing to correct her, so Talib did;

"Actually, they're just doing it. He’s not saying it in Dog, he just has to say it.”

Alex gawped.

“Really? Wow, that’s so cool! Do you have a dog?”

“No.”

“You should totally get a dog!”

“ _No.”_ Said Sora firmly.

Alex blinked once. Then twice. Then;

“ _Are you scared of dogs?”_ she said in a very audible whisper.

“NO!” snapped Sora. One of the dogs sneezed and he flinched. Alex raised an eyebrow. Sora cursed himself.

“Okaaaay… well, nothing’s gonna try and maul you if _wolves_ just obey you like that.”

“Mm.” Sora was unconvinced, but now Tyler was opening his fat mouth, and a distinctly mud-splattered Marcy was next to him, frowning- oh, of _course,_ Marcy had to have been in that group that Alex splattered, because the universe apparently hated both of them.

Nadiya shot him a panicked glance, and Sora shrugged helplessly-

“You’re scared of dogs?” demanded Tyler. Very loudly.

“Oops.” Whispered Alex.

Half of the class was staring, now.

Sora eyed the other boy. This clearly was some sort of clumsy attempt at taking him down. Maybe he’d deny it to Alex and Talib, but this was different- malicious.

“And _you’re_ scared of not being at the top of the ranks and being winked at in Good Deeds, apparently. Live and let live, my love, I’m still doing better than you, right now.”

Tyler opened his mouth furiously-

Uma came trotting back over.

“Alright, a few more minutes, and then I’ll give you your ranks!”

 

* * *

 

In the end, Sora had success with his wolves from several metres away, slightly behind (but _Not! Hiding! Behind!)_ a determinedly straight-faced Talib. They did everything he told them with almost disturbing compliance, and he wasn’t sure whether he was pleased or horrified when he, Alex and Talib were awarded top ranks at the end of the lesson, especially with Tyler’s stare scorching into their backs.

On the way back up to the castle, Alex drew up next to him, looking uncharacteristically serious.

“Sora- I’m gonna try and apologise to Cromwell and Marcy.”

Sora raised his eyebrows.

“Really? Is this a revelation inspired by the _big old doggies?”_

Alex grinned.

“Yes.” Her face fell. “No, not really. No. Oh, I dunno. I just think I should, you know.”

Cromwell? Sora could see it. She was a teacher. An adult. Perhaps a bit arrogant, but surely she’d be willing to accept a genuine apology.

But Marcy was fifteen, insecure, and still annoyed.

Sora listed about five things that could go wrong just off the top of his head; and it was obvious who Alex should go to first. Being in Cromwell’s good (or at least better) books was infinitely better than-

“I’m gonna go to Marcy first.” Said Alex, with her horribly unwavering confidence.

Sora screamed internally.

Externally, he said;

“Um. Alex, I’m not sure that’s a good-”

“Marcy!”

“Shit,” Sora whispered to himself as Alex went hurrying up the hill. “Shiiiiit.”

He spun to look for Nadiya-

She was running up the hill towards him.

“She didn’t-”

“She did.”

Nadiya looked horrified, as Talib bobbed up behind them-

“What’s going on? Is Alex okay?”

 “Oh, god, she’s going there, she’s going there, I can’t look-” squeaked Nadiya.

“Have I missed something?” asked Talib, looking questioningly between the two of them.

He looked so genuinely concerned, so honest and genuine, as he peered anxiously over at Alex.

“Um, Alex and Marcy. Marcy is mad at her, Alex is trying to apologise, it’s not a good idea.” Said Sora, instead of _you’re a beautiful human being and if anyone is ever horrible to you I’ll beat them senseless._

“Oh.” Said Talib. “Will Marcy take it badly?”

“Um… maybe not.” Said Sora, with absolutely no conviction in his voice.

Talib bit his lip.

Alex reached the group- Tyler, Marcy, Kia and Luke stopped as they saw her, and stood and stared, incredulous.

Sora could hear her from where they were stood, and no doubt could everyone else on the steps up to the Entrance Hall- people were stopping to watch, even now.

“Uh- Marcy? I wanted to say… uh, say sorry.”

Tyler’s eyebrows shot up. Kia looked at Luke and giggled, slightly nervously, then covered her mouth.

Marcy looked so guarded though, so tense. Sora prayed and prayed and _prayed_ that Alex wouldn’t accidentally make it worse, that her bumbling, genuine apology would suffice…

“Oh, yeah?”

Sora groaned into his fist. Alex had completely missed the hostility in Marcy’s voice, he could tell. She just nodded, even more determined, now she knew she was listening.

“Yeah! I figured that it’s not good for us to be fighting all the time, so I just wanted to say sorry for all the dumb stuff I’ve said and done.”

“… it might be okay?” whispered Talib. Marcy looked somewhere between irritated and considering. Maybe, just maybe, she would let it go…?

“You know because we’re roommates and all.” Said Alex hopefully, eyes big and earnest.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, _no._

Marcy’s face closed off so fast that it was nearly scary. She cast Tyler a glance, so fast that Sora nearly missed it, but not fast enough. He understood it immediately.

Tyler hadn’t known Alex was Marcy’s roommate. No doubt Marcy had wanted to pretend she wasn’t connected to her. Sora suspected that Marcy liked Tyler, and thought that it was best to pretend that she couldn’t possibly be Alex’s friend-

“And we can still be friends if that’s okay?” Alex offered brightly.

Both Nadiya and Talib seemed to have caught on, too, and now they exchanged panicked looks-

“We should intervene,” Talib said quickly. “We should _really_ intervene.”

He was right. Sora nodded quickly, and the three of them started towards the group-

Alex laughed, a nervous waver audible, but tried her best to smile at Marcy, who looked frozen.

“I promise I won’t chuck water on you again! So, what d’you say? Is that okay? Can we be friends? Because I-”

Sora opened his mouth at the same time as Marcy-

Marcy got there first.

“Can you _shut up_ for _ten seconds_?”

Alex froze.

So did Sora. And Nadiya. And Talib.

There was absolutely no missing the venom in Marcy’s voice.

“Um… what?” stammered Alex, still trying to smile. “I’m just-“

“Did she tell you to do this?” snapped Marcy, jerking her head towards Nadiya. “Because you never seemed particularly apologetic before, just _dumb.”_

Alex looked horribly dismayed.

“N-no? I just wanted to tell you that I still want to be friends with you-?”

It was the wrong thing to say.

“ _I’M NOT YOUR FRIEND_!” exploded Marcy.

Everyone went silent.

“I HAVE NEVER BEEN YOUR FRIEND! ALL YOU’VE EVER DONE IS EMBARRASS ME, MAKE THINGS HARDER FOR ME! YOU’RE A WALKING DISASTER! I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR _ROOMMATE_ , MUCH LESS YOUR _FRIEND_!”

Alex was wide-eyed and trembling. Sora didn’t dare look at Tyler- he thought he might have been smirking, and he was sure he’d lose his temper if he looked at him.

“But I only… wanted to tell you I was sorry-?”

Her voice was very small, now.

“I don’t want it!” snapped Marcy. _“I don’t want you to!”_

“But Marcy-”

 _“GET LOST_!” shrieked Marcy.

Alex stood there for a minute, utterly crushed. Her mouth was trembling, and so was the rest of her.

And then she turned.

And then she ran.

She ran all the way back to the Entrance Hall, and when she wanted to be, she could be fast.

And when you start to cry, generally, you _really_ want to be fast.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm SORRY..,,,.,,,,,,,,,, :,,,(  
> On a positive note tho, Sora's Greatest Useless Gay Hits have many more entries to come, and I think his skill with the "big old doggies" may come in handy later...?


	20. sora lives out your wildest fantasies and decks tyler

Sora started after Alex, heart breaking-

And then caught sight of Tyler out of the corner of his eye.

Sora stopped dead, just in time to hear;

“That’s brought her down a bit. Good job, Marcy.”

Marcy, though, didn’t look as pleased. She looked embarrassed.

Tyler didn’t seem to notice- he’d noticed Sora staring at him.

_“Good job_?” Sora spat out.

Tyler rolled his eyes dramatically. Several people sniggered.

“Oh, leave me alone, Sora, just because you’re chasing her fame by trying to be friends doesn’t mean that you can’t admit it; she’s a rabbit-toothed loser, an embarrassment to her family-”

Sora ignored him, turning on Marcy.

“I hope you’re happy.” He told her severely. Marcy didn’t meet his eyes- he’d have thought she was ignoring him if she hadn’t seemed to shrink away, curling in on herself-

Tyler cut himself off and wheeled towards them.

“Leave her alone!”

Sora shot him an incredulous glance.

“Did you completely miss what just happened, or are you just stupid? I don’t think she needs a whole lot of defending.”

“Sora-” began Talib, but Sora ignored him. Tyler sneered at the insult.

“Would you like to fight about it?” He asked, hand coming to a rest on his sword.

“Not really.” said Sora, untruthfully. In truth, he was ready to knock his front teeth out, but he had eyes. Tyler would annihilate him.

Tyler ignored his preference, and blundered on;

“That’s what us princes do, right? Fight over a princess’s honour? Not that she has much, but I’m sure we can manage.”

The other boy whipped out his training sword, swinging it in a neat arc of silver.

“We’ll make it quick, I’m sure- only one of us has a sword.”

True, he didn’t have his training sword, because he didn’t see the need to lug around a big hunk of unsharpened steel all day. But-

“Both of you, stop.”

Talib. Oh, no-

Talib got in-between them, holding out his hands in a placating gesture. Sora should have expected it.

“There’s no need to fight-” Talib began, but Tyler just laughed.

“Oh, Talib, if you were a proper prince, you’d know that there definitely is. I don’t know how a random farm boy from Glass Mountains is topping the rankings with such a pathetic attitude, but I’m gonna put it right, I promise. Get out of the way.”

“No.” said Talib, with surprising resolve, even though Sora could see the tension in his shoulders-

“Your loss. Get lumped in with Camelot’s shame.” Said Tyler, grabbed his arm, and yanked him bodily out of the way, hitting him with the butt of the sword for good measure, sending Talib reeling away and the assembled Everboys into a whooping fit.

Tyler turned back to Sora, raised his sword, strode forwards-

And Sora stamped on his instep with every bit of force he could muster.

Something cracked.

Tyler yelled and doubled over, swearing.

Talib gasped. Nadiya, who had dragged him out of the fray and had been watching with her amusement completely unconcealed, whooped.

Tyler lurched back up like a puppet yanked back up by its strings, tottering unevenly on his feet-

Then flung his sword to the ground and swung right back at him.

 

* * *

 

Talib would rather have been with Sora, especially after he and Tyler had gone down into the grass in a flurry of shouts and hits, but Nadiya had yanked him back.

“Go and find Alex, Talib, I’ll get them apart, and hopefully prevent Sora’s second detention of the week. Or stop Tyler beating him senseless. Probably both.”

“But-”

“Go on, you’ll be good at it.”

Reluctantly, Talib took a step back, trying to work out how he could possibly find Alex _and_ cheer her up all on his own-

An idea popped into his head.

 

Ten minutes later, Talib was tottering through the halls of Good, asking everyone who he came across if they’d seen Alex, and carrying a very excited wolf.

No one was much help.

“NO ANIMALS INSIDE!” Pollux squealed from a good ten feet away, presumably having some sort of flashback to the last first-year animal communication lesson that had involved animals entering the castle. Talib ignored him- and caught sight of a canary-yellow gown flitting along the breezeways.

“Professor Anemone-”

“You’re looking for Alexandra?” asked Anemone.

Talib blinked.

“Oh. Yes.”

Anemone nodded sagely.

“Yes, I saw her pass a few minutes ago. She went that way.” She gestured vaguely towards the stairs, then peered over his shoulder. “Do my eyes deceive me, dear, or is Sora fighting Tyler over her?”

“Um. Sort of…?”

Anemone’s eyes sparked with interest.

“Oh. I see. Well, maybe I should try and sort it out before Ida gets here, no doubt he’ll want to follow her, too-”

Pretty sure Anemone was getting entirely the wrong idea about Sora and Alex’s relationship, Talib nodded weakly and let her hurry off towards the doors, before heading up the stairs that Anemone had pointed to. This way only led to classrooms and bathrooms, and as he passed each bathroom he checked, but they were all empty. Where would she have gone? Nowhere open, surely. He couldn’t go to the girl’s towers, but she definitely wouldn’t have gone to her dorm, not with Marcy as her roommate-

He caught sight of a candy-studded sign opposite him.

Surely not.

There was no way Alex would go there intentionally. It would just deepen the wound, surely.

There was no _way_ Alex would go to Merlin’s Menagerie.

 

He took one step through the door and saw that he was wrong.

Alex _had_ gone to Merlin’s Menagerie.

As Talib picked his way through topiaries depicting her parent’s story, he could see her blonde head, and as he got closer, he could see her feet sticking out from where she’d wedged herself in between the hedges depicting Tedros rescuing Agatha from the thorns outside the gates, and him proposing to her at the Circus of Talents. She didn’t look up as he approached.

“Not to sound insensitive,” He said gently. “But isn’t this going to make you feel worse?”

Alex wiped her nose on her embroidered sleeve.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time.” She said to her boots.

Talib sighed, and put down the wolf, which immediately went trotting over to sniff Alex.

Alex looked up, surprised.

“How’d you remember which one was mine?” she croaked, hand instinctively going out to pet its shaggy coat.  

“I looked for the muddy one.” Talib told her, and was rewarded with the corners of her mouth quirking briefly upwards. “Can I sit down?”

“I’m not sure we’ll both fit.” Mumbled Alex. Talib had to agree- the combined width of both of their shoulders probably wouldn’t work, so he sat down opposite her instead, even if it meant being hit in the face by an excited wolf’s tail occasionally.

From what he knew about Alex, he was fairly sure it wouldn’t be long before she started talking, so he didn’t say anything. Instead they just sat together in silence, petting the wolf, who looked very pleased to have all of this attention.

Finally, Alex cracked.

“I don’t get it.” She muttered. “Why did she have to be so mean? I didn’t say anything wrong.” She paused.  “Did I? I can’t always tell. I _tried_ not to-”

“You didn’t say anything wrong,” Talib reassured her, trying to sound as calm and convincing as he could. “Marcy was being unreasonable.”

Alex scowled.

“I know.”

Talib hesitated, trying to think of the right way to put it.

“I know you’re mad at her, and she said lots of stuff she shouldn’t have, but… I don’t think she feels good about it. I think she feels bad. But she’s trying to impress Tyler. And because he doesn’t really like you, she doesn’t feel like she can, either…?”

He trailed off as Alex’s watery eyes peered over the top of the wolf at him.

“You’re smart,” Alex admitted. “But she’s not liked me since I chucked a jug of water on her when she passed out.”

“Oh. Well, maybe there’s that too.” Talib conceded.

“I was just trying to help.”

“Yeah. I get it.”

Alex’s shoulders sagged.

“She was all excited about my parents being who they were, too.”

Talib peered up at the hedges.

“Sure. But people tend to ignore that it must suck, being overshadowed by them all the time. You’re your own person.” He paused at Alex’s snort. “Overshadowed… oh. Literally and figuratively.”

Alex’s eyes were big and amazed, though.

“You’re so _nice._ I get why you’re on top of the rankings.”

Talib felt his ears go hot.

“I’m no nicer than anyone else.”

“As far as I know, you never called me a _walking disaster_.”

“That’s a very low bar, Alex.” Talib told her gently.

“Eh.” Alex shrugged.

Uncomfortable, Talib tried to shift the subject a little.

“Who cares about the rankings, anyway? They don’t really mean anything.” he mumbled, fiddling with his waistcoat.

“Me?” offered Alex. “Because I’m low. And they mean not being a cactus.”

“That’s just bad luck.” Talib said kindly. “You’ll do better soon. You did well today. And in Swordplay. And being a cactus doesn’t mean you can’t be valuable to a fairy tale.”

“… I guess. But I’m currently skipping Princess Etiquette.”

“And I’m skipping Chivalry.”

Alex gasped.

“You’re skipping _class?_ How _dare_ you! _”_

“I- well- I thought- so are you!” Talib blustered as Alex cackled.

“I’m only kidding.” She trailed off a little, looking sad again. “I never used to care all that much, you know. About being overshadowed by my parents. When I was little. But you can’t really compare a little kid to adults or teenagers. Now I’m older, people do it more, especially stupid Edward Persians.”

Talib didn’t ask who Edward Persians was.

“It’s even worse here.” Alex continued. “Everyone apart from Cromwell taught them. And are now horrified about teaching me. Like it’s _my_ fault teenage Dad was stupid. Plus, their faces are _everywhere.”_ She glared up at Hedge Tedros, who did not glare back, too busy staring at Hedge Agatha (and also because he was a hedge). “And that’s saying something- at home, they’re on the _money.”_

She stared at Hedge Tedros for a bit longer.

“They can’t even get his chin right.” She muttered- and promptly burst into tears again.

 

* * *

 

“I wish they had some less romantic-y stuff up there.” Alex told him later, as they shuffled downstairs after she’d finished crying and bad-mouthing Tyler and Marcy, which Talib had let slide, considering they weren’t there to hear it. “They’ve done all sorts of dumb stuff that people ignore in favour of hero-worshipping them. Mom spilled gravy on her wedding dress.”

Talib didn’t know whether he should laugh or not, so he just smiled-

And then he saw Nadiya rushing towards them across the Entrance Hall, and remembered what he’d left to go and find Alex.

“Oh _no,_ I can’t believe I forgot!”

“Forgot what?” demanded Alex. “To go and save a baby deer from the moat or something? Have you got a Be Angelic schedule?”

Talib blinked at her. Alex grinned- but her face fell as Nadiya reached them.

“What’s wrong?”

“I forgot to tell you!” Talib told her frantically. “Sora and Tyler went for each other because Tyler said something mean about you, and they ended up fighting-”

Alex blinked.

“Sora fought Tyler?”

She stared at the wall for a minute-

And then looked at Talib, horrified.

“He’s not _dead_ is he? _”_

“No…?” Talib glanced nervously at Nadiya.

“You really think Sora would _ever_ permit Tyler to do something as rude as kill him?” said Nadiya.

“Good point.” Said Alex, seriously. Talib glanced between them.

“He’s… okay, right?”

“He’s got his second nosebleed of the weak and a couple of broken fingers- but yes.”

“Oh.” Talib sagged in relief. “Good. Is he in trouble?”

“No.”

“Wait, really?”

“Well, they’ve both got detention, which will be awkward, but Sora let slip about the roses, and Cromwell was so horrified that she panicked and let them go. Espada was telling her all about how he’ll _resolve it_ in Swordplay, anyway.” Nadiya frowned a little. “Not sure that fighting _again_ is a good idea, but at least they’ll both have swords this time.”

Alex looked surprised.

“She really didn’t know about the roses-?”

“No. She looked _so_ relieved that I didn’t confront her. I nearly felt bad for her. Nearly.”

They all turned to see Sora stumping up the stairs towards them- face bloody and fingers taped up, but otherwise not looking _too_ bad.

“We have been in _so_ many fights.” Said Alex tiredly. “I wish our author would think of something else. But she won’t, it’s the Trial by Tale next, and that’s _all_ fighting.”

Nadiya stared at her as Talib hurried forwards to help Sora up the stairs, (even though he probably didn’t need it, but no one said anything.)

“What?”

Alex blinked back at her.

“Hm?”

“…never mind.” Muttered Nadiya as Alex turned away to peer at Sora, a small, smug smile on her face.

“You fought Tyler. For _meee_.”

“Yeah, don’t get the wrong idea.” Said Sora. Alex grinned at him.

“It’s okay, you’re too annoying to be my prince.”

“The same for you, no matter how big your dowry is.” Sniffed Sora.

“Aww, I love you too-”

“Oooh, is this a bad time?”

Talib gawked as Dean Sophie came sailing down the breezeway towards them.

“Oh, hi.” Alex yawned as everyone else tried to look busy. “No, we’re just professing our ironic undying love for one another.”

Sophie blinked.

“…Ironic?”

“Definitely.”

“…I think Emma might have gotten the wrong end of the stick…” she trailed off. Alex didn’t seem to notice. “Anyway, Alexandra, I came to check up on you, as Aggie demanded that, as you have forgotten to write, as she suspected you would, I tell her how your first few days have been. But in your words. Because, _apparently,_ she doesn’t trust _mine_.”

Talib looked doubtfully at Sora. Who looked, similarly, at Nadiya. Who looked in the same way at Alex. Who looked back at them.

All of them stared at Alex’s split chin, at her still-bloodshot eyes and scratched hands, then at Sora’s bloody nose, at the ranking board where Alex’s name languished close to the bottom.

Sophie glanced at the clock behind her.

“Hurry up, darling, I’ve got a pedicure in ten minutes.” She glanced at the ranking board, pulled a face, and looked away. “Shall I settle for a nice, neutral _fine?”_

Alex was still looking at them.

“No, that’s okay.” She said thoughtfully.

She looked up at her aunt and grinned.

“It’s been _brilliant.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phebe once compared sora to a really aggressive chihuahua... yeah, accurate


	21. EMMA, THEY'RE HOMOSEXUALS

“I know you like to be positive, but I could totally still poison her for you.” Whispered June a few weeks later, as Yuba lectured all of the Forest Groups about potential Trial monsters and Marcy and Tyler glared daggers into Alex’s back. “And it’s long enough ago that she wouldn’t suspect you!”

“No, thanks.” Muttered Alex.

“You sure? It doesn’t _have_ to kill her. I could give her diarrhoea for two weeks instead.”

“ _No,_ we’re roommates! And imagine having diarrhoea in the _Trial_!”

June nodded solemnly.

“A fitting punishment.”

“ _June.”_

“Fi-ine.”

Not a lot had changed since Sora and Tyler’s fight, to Alex’s surprise. Marcy had continued to ignore her. Tyler had become even more insufferable, but only from ten-ish feet away, where Sora couldn’t get at him. She had no idea what their dorm was like. Probably even worse than hers, and she and Marcy were so tense around each other that they wouldn’t let so much as a sock enter the other’s half of the room, even though Nadiya was breaching the gap and talking to both of them like they weren’t ready to throw each other out the window at a moment’s notice.

Only Cromwell had changed at all- after the rose incident (which basically everyone else had forgotten about, but whatever) instead of picking on them, she’d taken to pretending they didn’t exist. They were doing distinctly averagely in the lesson, as a result. Alex couldn’t decide if this was better or worse. Sora thought it was better. Nadiya thought it was worse.

She was doing better in Swordplay (Talib had taken to reminding Espada to rank them), worse in Princess Etiquette (unsurprising- they were long past anything Alex knew), averagely in Beautification (apparently she was the only one who knew how to dye hair, adding fuel to the theory that _Tedros_ dyed his hair, even though it was because she and Ros had dyed Lady Dinsmore’s wig swamp green one time) and Surviving Fairy Tales fluctuated madly depending on what they were doing. The less said about History, the better. Possibly the only lesson they had any consistent luck with was Animal Communication, what with Sora’s odd talent for it, which was apparently also extending to birds.

So she was still hovering in the middle of the ranking board. Talib, Tyler, Nadiya, Marcy and Sora (no matter how many times he argued with Lucas) were all in the top ten;

1.Tyler of Oakwood

2.Talib of Glass Mountains

Several others, including Marcy and Kia, were only just below them, but even as Talib and Tyler swapped and swapped back consistently, no one could take the top spot. Nadiya and Sora remained consistently in the lower half of the top ten, too often lumbered into Alex’s plans to get too much higher;

8.Nadiya of Rajashah

9.Sora of Walleye Spring

And then:

24\. Alexandra of Camelot

It was sort of depressing. But hey, at least she wasn’t going to be in the Trial.

Speaking of the Trial…

Alex tuned back into Yuba’s lecture on dangerous potential creatures.

“-can be recognised by the bluish sheen on its body armour. If you see blue, run. Basically.”

“The whole _forest_ is blue!” protested Nadiya from behind Alex.

“Then you’ll have to go and practice your jogging, won’t you?” snapped Yuba. “As I was _saying,_ it has a stinger, and if you get stung, you drop your flag and come back _fast,_ because as well as being equivalent to being stabbed, it holds a particularly potent poison that can _kill_ you-”

Sora leant over to mutter to Alex;

“Thorne looks way too excited about this.”

Both of them peered over to where the Neverboy was sat slightly forward in his seat, eyes wide and mouth slightly open, goggling at the diagrams of the monsters pinned to the trees.

“Probably trying to think of the best way to use one, to get me chopped up into little pieces without actually killing me himself.” Grouched Alex. Over the past few weeks, even Alex couldn’t ignore that the other boy definitely had it out for her. Thorne had followed them around in every Surviving Fairy Tales lesson, attempting to sabotage their every move, until he’d fallen down a killer rabbit hole running away from the accidentally-unleashed-by-Alex vampire bats. After that, he’d stopped following them, but he hadn’t stopped glaring at them or taunting them from afar.

“It’s like having two Tylers, one in each school.” Alex complained. “But he can’t try and kill me in the Trial, I’m not in the top ten.”

“Is _he_?” Sora tossed the information sheet on the blue scorpions onto his desk without really looking at it.

“Dunno. Probably. Does enough Evil shenanigans, doesn’t he? Probably learned all the spells, too.”

“You know all the spells.”

“Yeah, but I do them accidentally, at inopportune moments. Like when I was crying about that puppy in Animal Communication and made it storm. Just over me.”

“ _And_ me.” Said Nadiya.

“Should’ve stood further away.” Grinned Alex.

They’d had their fingerglows unlocked the previous week, and Alex already resented the damn thing. So far, she’d accidentally turned herself into a porcupine, made it rain in Beautification, turned all the lights out in their dorm and hit her head on a shelf trying to find the door, and iced over the floor in Princess Etiquette, turning their ballroom dancing to ice-skating very quickly. _Magic follows emotion,_ Yuba had preached, but Alex, whose emotions changed so fast and became very strong, very quickly, sort of wished it didn’t.

“The Trial competitors will be announced at dinner tonight, so if you want to go and beat each other up in the forest, better try your best today!” Yuba boomed as the wolves howled to signify the end of the lesson. “Get gone, you bloodthirsty brats!”

 

* * *

 

By the time dinner rolled around, Talib was back in first. Tyler had never stood a chance in hand-to-hand combat. Tyler might have gotten him out of the way easily enough the first time, but this time, it seemed Talib had no intention at all of being pushed around, and gave no opportunity for the element of surprise . And Talib was a good four inches taller than Tyler and _way_ broader.

Tyler had been flat on the mat in about ten seconds, and Sora had snatched Nadiya’s handkerchief and thrown it to Talib like a maid watching her favourite knight.

Alex had accidentally knocked Luke’s tooth out with her spear, but Espada had been so impressed by the technique, she’d ascended to 23rd (“YOU JUST WEREN’T PAYING ATTENTION, LUKE!”).

So it was in a pretty good mood that Alex headed down to dinner, not even marred by Marcy’s mutterings that she hadn’t deserved that second place swordplay rank.

Cromwell and Sophie were already there, arguing to the side of the doors. Alex caught a snippet;

“-no more meddling from students not selected-”

“-don’t be ridiculous, Ida-”

She snorted as they sat down.

“Looks like they’re making sure I don’t try to pull the same thing as my mom.”

“Would you?” yawned Sora, piling mash onto his plate. Alex shrugged.

“I don’t think I can reliably mogrify for long enough. Probably turn into an ostrich instead of a dove.”

“That would be way funnier, though.” admitted Nadiya.

“I’m glad I can provide comedy in times of mortal peril.”

 

* * *

 

After they’d finished eating, Sophie and Cromwell took the “stage”- a dodgy wooden platform that Castor and Pollux- who both lacked opposable thumbs, as Pollux was on the body of a duck- had argued over the whole time they were eating, and now teetered dangerously as Sophie swept onto it. Alex shuddered. Pendragons didn’t do well with hastily-constructed wooden stages.

“THE DEANS WILL NOW ANNOUNCE THE COMPETITORS FOR THE TRIAL BY TALE.” Castor boomed. “YOU’LL BE FITTED FOR ARMOUR TOMORROW. I TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO REMIND YOU THAT MAKING PACTS TO PROTECT EACH OTHER, ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE IN AN ILL-ADVISED RELATIONSHIP, DOESN’T WORK UNLESS YOU HAVE A FRIEND TO BREAK INTO THE FOREST TO SAVE YOU FROM YOUR OWN STUPIDITY-”

The floor under him broke with a suspiciously pink flash, and Castor landed with a yelp on the floor.

“But that _won’t_ happen.” Interrupted Cromwell smoothly as Sophie glared through the hole. “This year, I have put in extra special safety measures to ensure that _no one_ can sneak into the Trail. Equally, this means no one can try to sneak _out_. _”_

“She really doesn’t trust me, huh?” Alex mumbled, chin propped onto her hand.

“I have also enchanted the flags with a new spell developed in Foxwood, which makes them even _more_ efficient.”

“We’ll probably end up in Shazabah.” Grumped Sora. Cromwell continued;

“Now, onto the competitors. We will read out the competitor at rank number ten from each school, and ascend in order, to number one. Then, we will announce the wild card- a student who has not made the rankings, but we feel will make a worthy combatant nonetheless.”

“Oh, I forgot about that.” Alex mused. “Wasn’t there in my parent’s day, unless you count my mom as the wild card. Suppose that rule’s probably because of her.”

“Number 10- Hilda of Murmuring Mountains and Luke of Ginnymill!”

Sora was ninth, Nadiya and Morgan both in seventh, Marcy sixth, Kia fourth, Tyler second (hah!), and June and Talib first. They would be the last to enter the Blue Forest, giving them a time advantage- they’d be in better shape when everyone else had been fighting for a while.

“And now,” said Cromwell. “The wild cards! Dean Sophie, would you like to go first?”

Sophie looked distinctly nervous, which was unlike her.

“Yes. Um… my wild card is Thorne of Ravenswood.”

“ _THORNE?”_ Alex demanded, way too loudly, but it didn’t matter- everyone else was chattering, too, and as they all craned their necks to get a look at him, he was very clearly grinning.

Seemingly oblivious to the uproar, Cromwell cleared her throat.

“And _my_ wild card, chosen with recommendation from the other staff, is Alexandra of Camelot!”

_…what?_

Sophie’s eyes went wide, and she looked back down at the card in her hand, suddenly panicked. She’d have had to have been blind to not notice what was going on in Surviving Fairy Tales-

Nadiya’s mouth fell open, Sora spun to her, Talib grabbed her arm and even Marcy looked surprised.

“Well done!” shouted June excitedly, waving across the tables to her- but Alex could only see Thorne, glaring right back at her.

“Oh.” She said faintly, suddenly remembering all the things that had happened in her parent’s trials thanks to crazy Evil students. “Shit.”

* * *

 

She tried to leave quickly, but, obviously, luck was not on her side.

“Alex- wait!” Nadiya shouted after her as she hurried out of the hall, but she didn’t let them catch up-

“Alex, dear, did you hear the news?” In a blinding blur of yellow, Anemone swooped down upon her, beaming.

“Uh. Yeah.” Alex walked faster. Anemone rushed after her, still obliviously cheerful.

“I’m ever so glad that Espada managed to convince Dean Cromwell to choose you, she was very close to choosing someone else- are you alright, dear?”

“Fine.” Alex lied- but Anemone followed her gaze to the painting she was staring at, and her face changed.

“Ah.”

She paused, looking down at Alex, who stared at the floor, conspicuously bright-eyed.

“Would you like to come and sit in my classroom, dear?”

 

* * *

 

“See,” Said Alex, through a mouthful of fudge desk and a running nose, “I don’t even care about Thorne. He’s a git, but I can hit harder than him.”

Anemone sighed.

“Sometimes, you remind me exactly of your father.”

“I know.” Alex grumped. “But the Trial…” she trailed off. “I guess you know more than me.”

“Do you mean to say your parents haven’t ever told you about their trials?”

Alex shrugged, gulping down another mouthful of the desk.

“I know the basics. Loads of unapproved spells, Hester tried to kill my dad and Sophie, who were trying to rescue each other, Sophie did some dumb stuff and hid as a bush, my mom saved my dad even though she wasn’t supposed to be there, everyone thought Sophie did it on purpose. Second one, Hester got stabbed by Aric, Tristan died, my dad tried to snog boy Sophie or Filip, whatever, and everyone got manipulated. Then my dad got stabbed. The scar is _massive._ ”

“…yes, that’s about it.” Admitted Anemone. “But you heard them talking about the new safety measures, didn’t you?”

“Of course I did.” Mumbled Alex. “But I’m not as good at magic as my mom- I keep turning into random mogrifs, and you saw what I did in here.”

Anemone eyed some still-damp papers on her desk.

“Yes, I did. But Espada says you’re good with a spear-”

“Which I’m not allowed to take in. Swords or bows only.”

“You’re good with a sword, surely?”

“Not as good as dad.”

Anemone snorted. Alex blinked at her.

“What?”

“You know that he was dreadful as a teenager, don’t you?”

Alex stared at her.

“…huh?”

Anemone laughed.

“Trust Tedros to keep that one from you! I’m surprised no one else put that out there to spite him… Yes, he was the best of the Everboys, but that’s not really saying a lot. He was only trained properly until he was nine, as you know. He made up the rest.”

Alex eyes bugged.

“ _Really?”_

“Ask him. He’ll deny it. Then ask your mother and she’ll tell you the same.”

Alex cackled.

“Aw, he’ll never hear the end of that.”

“From his friends?”

“From _me.”_

Anemone chuckled. But Alex sighed, wedging her next handful of fudge back into the desk. She was starting to feel sick.

“But I don’t feel like we’ve got the best of luck with Trials, as a family. And I shouldn’t even really be in it. I’m 23rd. There’s thirteen people above me who could do better.”

Anemone sighs.

“That’s only because of Pollux, dear.”

“And Cromwell. And y- this lesson.”

Anemone raises her arched eyebrows at her.

“Were you, perchance, about to say _and you?”_

“But I didn’t.” Alex said to the desk.

Her teacher hummed thoughtfully.

“You got first in that hair-dying.”

“So?” grouched Alex. “What about that first lesson?”

Anemone winced.

“I never meant it _badly,_ dear.”

Alex widens her eyes very slightly. The Beautification professor sighed.

“I _told_ you, on your first day, that it’s not just about hair and Kinder Smiles.”

“But that’s what we’re _ranked_ on.” Alex pushed. Anemone tutted at her.

“I need some sort of ranking system, dear. But surely you, of all people, know that it’s what’s on the inside that counts? Your intentions and Good Deeds?”

“Don’t even get me started on Good Deeds.” Frowned Alex- then remembered that Cromwell was Anemone’s boss, and started to backtrack-

“Oh, yes. Ida is being rather funny about that.” Mused Anemone. “Would I be correct in guessing that you, Sora, and perhaps Nadiya, are doing not-so-well?”

“She just doesn’t like me because of the uniform thing.” Alex paused. “And the quiz. But that made her hate Sora more. She was mean to Talib, so she had that coming.”

Anemone stared at her. Alex huffed.

“We’re back on equal footing _now.”_

Anemone sighed.

“Well, don’t worry about that, now. The Trial is in a matter of days, and you’re going in first.”

“I _know.”_ Growled Alex. “My dad will have heart failure when he finds out.”

Anemone didn’t say anything.

The wolves howled to signify curfew, and Alex leaped up.

“Look, Professor, thanks for letting me eat my desk and being nice, but-”

Anemone leapt out of her chair and hurried after her.

“Listen to me, Alex. I’ve been through this too, don’t forget.”

“Uh… you have?”

“ _Yes._ And I didn’t win, but I did well. Your parents too. There’s one thing we had in common.”

“I’m no good at questions or riddles, Professor.”

“Which is why I’m going to _tell_ you, dear, none of this cryptic nonsense that Clarissa liked to pull- I had my friends, and your parents had theirs. That’s what will give you the edge. Nadiya, June, _Talib and Sora-”_ She paused, smiling faintly and perusing Alex’s face for any kind of reaction.

“Uh. I don’t know what you think our relationship is, Professor, but-”

“Oh, that’s alright, dear, you don’t have to tell an old lady-” dismissed Anemone, hustling her towards the door. “Just keep your friends close! Look out for each other!”

Alex stumbled out of the door- then turned back.

“Thank you, Professor.”

The old Beautification professor winked at her.

“Remember, Alex- you’re just as good as your parents. Maybe you could be better. Don’t make their mistakes, though. Love triangles or otherwise.”

“ _Professor.”_

“Sorry! Goodnight, Alex.”

“’Night, Professor-”

She started to close the door-

“Oh, and Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“Any thoughts on your Snow Ball date?”

Alex groaned. “ _No_.”

“Just asking!” chirped Anemone, and shut the door with a snap.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anemone,,,, no..,,.,.  
> IT'S FINALLY THE TRIAL!!! I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF I THOUGHT I'D BE 80 BY THE TIME I GOT THERE  
> anyone think they know what might happen? there's foreshadowing, rather a lot of it...  
> come shout at me/tell me smugly you know what's gonna happen/tell me that tyler sucks: @pumpkinpaperweight on instagram and tumblr!


	22. the trial by tale, part 1

By the time they were stood in front of the gates to the Blue Forest, though, Alex was back to terrified.

Cromwell strode down the line, distributing the flags to the Evers- she’d assured Alex that they were “ultra-efficient”, because this year, she’d been given a special spell.

“Originally, it was suggested by the provider that the wild cards could only have it, because they were in the most danger, being less… _skilled_ than the other contestants-” Alex had frowned at that, which Cromwell had ignored- “But I don’t want anyone to have any preferential treatment, so I spread it to everyone, even the Nevers!”

The second she was gone, Sora and Nadiya sidled up to her;

“I can guarantee it now- it’ll be so efficient that you’ll go all the way home and plough down your parents in the middle of a court meeting.” Sora told her.

Alex’s mouth twitched, despite the roiling in her stomach. (Maybe she shouldn’t have eaten Talib’s bread as well as her own at breakfast.) Seeing them in their blue trial cloaks was making her anxious, though. The deep hood hung low on Sora’s face, casting shadows across his cheeks and jaw.

She could still see when he frowned at her, though.

“Come on, that was funny.”

“Yeah.” Alex mumbled, watching as Thorne sidled to the front of the Never queue, and grinned at her from under his hood. Nadiya nudged her.

“ _Hey._ You’ll be fine.”

“I’m going in first.” Alex muttered. Nadiya smiled at her, but even she looked like she was forcing it.

“You’re like, six foot, and have a massive sword and shield. You’ll kill it. Literally.”

“I-”

“WILD CARDS, GET READY!” thundered Castor.

Alex’s heart twisted painfully. Thorne strode forwards, cracking his knuckles, and she shuffled after him, forcing her feet to move-

Both Nadiya and Sora ran after her.

“Alex. Focus.” Sora hissed.

Alex, rather worried she was going to cry, said nothing, tugging at the collar of her jacket. It was the one she’d worn the day she’d left home. At the time, she’d thought wearing it over her chainmail would make her feel better. Right now, it was making her feel worse.

Sora’s expression, rather uncharacteristically, softened.

“I’ll be right behind you, Alex. It’s you, then Luke, then me.”

“Then Kia, then me.” Nadiya added. “It won’t be too long before we’re all in together. Talib is the one we won’t be able to find for a while, but he’ll be alright-”

“But there’s also Thorne, Hilda and Morgan-” Alex began-

“ _We’ll find you_.” Sora interrupted roughly.

Nadiya nodded quickly.

“Both of you, go to the Pine Glen. I’ll meet you. We’ll move on from there.”

Alex stared at her, eyes big-

“FIRST PAIR!” roared Castor.

Alex jumped so hard she hit Nadiya in the arm.

“Guys-”

“Good luck.” Said Nadiya hoarsely.

Sora squeezed her hand, Nadiya hugged her, and they turned and disappeared back into the crowd, leaving her alone, surrounded by the other students, faceless in their blue hoods. From the corner of her eye, Alex could see Sophie and Hort stood by the Tunnel of Trees, both uncharacteristically grim-faced.

The memory of her parent’s trials resurfaced again, and, panicked, Alex tried to run after Sora and Nadiya-

Castor rounded her off, and Alex staggered back, heart racing, nausea clawing up her throat. She turned towards the open gates-

Hands shoved her roughly through them, sending her stumbling into blue grass, and she was sure Thorne was just behind her, could she outrun him-?

“BEGIN!” roared Castor, and the gates slammed shut behind them.

The Trial had begun.

 

Spooked, Alex spun and plunged into the trees, trying her best to remember the way to the Pine Glen. If she could get there and hide until Nadiya and Sora found her, she’d have wasted a good chunk of time already, provided she didn’t get ambushed. Either that, or-

A hand closed hard around her braid and yanked her backwards.

“Hello, princess. May as well get this over with early, huh?”

Thorne. Behind her.

_Directly_ behind her.

“You- let go of my hair, you creep!” Alex snapped, stomach twisting harder. He’d caught her so _quickly._ How had he managed to follow her so easily?

Thorne just sneered.

“What do you want?” Alex demanded, unsettled by his apparent calm.

“We’ve got unfinished business.”

“No we haven’t-”

“We definitely have.” Thorne cut her off.

Thorne still hadn’t let go of her hair. Alex swallowed hard, trying to stop feeling sick. It was getting distracting.

“You’re such a _creep.”_

“I’m a proper villain.” Said Thorne darkly. “Not like the rest of these idiots.”

Uncomfortable at his deadly serious tone, Alex scrabbled impatiently for her sword, drew it-

A vine shot from the ground and lashed around her wrists, yanking the blade down. Alex twisted furiously, but she couldn’t face him with her arms held in front of her.

“We’ve got a score to settle.” Thorne said, still from right behind her. He was far too close. Alex could feel his breath on the back of her neck, and it was bad, _horrible,_ he should just get off, she was going to be sick, that was so _weird-_

“We’re _rivals!”_

“We’re not.” Gasped Alex. “If you weren’t such an edgy git, I wouldn’t have a problem with you.”

The vine tightened. Thorne laughed. Alex’s stomach flipped. She screwed her eyes shut, trying to force down the roiling in her stomach, but it persisted-

“We are. In fact, we’re more than rivals.”

He leant over her shoulder. The wolves howled- Luke and Hilda. Sora and Morgan were next. If she could only find Sora, or keep Thorne talking long enough for him to get in, maybe he’d come the same way, and surely two of them could take down Thorne, surely-

“You’re my _Nemesis.”_ Hissed Thorne.

_…what?_

_Nemesis. He thinks I’m his Nemesis._

A _Nemesis._ Alex had forgotten that was even a _thing._ Not all Nemeses were like her mother and her aunt. Normally they didn’t resolve anything. If a Never killed their Nemesis, they’d be admitted to Nevermore. So they always tried.

And, normally, one of them _died._

Alex’s stomach lurched again, doubly vicious. She lurched forwards, trying to pull away, Thorne tightened his grip, and she staggered back at the sharp pain in her head, turned round, doubled over-

And threw up on him.

Thorne swore and jerked backwards in disgust, and as the vine slackened, his concentration wavering, Alex wrenched her sword up and hacked her braid off.

“Bollocks to _that._ ” She coughed.

Furious, Thorne staggered backwards, raising his glowing fingertip-

Alex punched him in the jaw, knocking him onto his backside into her vomit. He was still holding her shorn hair. Alex could have laughed, but there was no time, and, frankly, she didn’t feel like laughing. Instead, she turned and sprinted away as fast as she could, leaving him alone in the trees.

 

* * *

 

She got to the Pine Glen completely unbothered, which unsettled her. Even with all her wrong turns, there’d been no disturbances, beside the wolves howling. She must have been blundering around in the woods for at least half an hour, but… nothing.

Both Sora and Nadiya were in, now. Hopefully Thorne hadn’t decided that they were his nemeses, as well.

Grumbling to herself, she shuffled over to stand under one of the trees, pushing her brand-new haircut out of her face. Stupid Thorne. Stupid Trial.

More wolves. Talib and June would be in soon.

Scowling, she shoved her hands in her pockets-

Her hand hit something hard, concealed in the inner lining. In her inside pocket?

Frowning, she shoved her hand in- and drew out a short wooden stick.

Not just any stick.

_The_ stick.

The one her dad had given her, the day she’d left. She’d completely forgotten about it.

He’d never told her what it was.

Alex squinted at it, hoping for some sort of switch or button that might indicate or reveal its purpose, but it remained stubbornly stick-y.

She shook it. No go. Rubbed it, tapped it with her glowing finger, tried to bend it, and scratched at it. Nothing.

“Great.” She mumbled. “Thanks, Dad.”

Surely it did _something._

The school wolves howled again. 2nd ranked pair. Talib and June next-

A scream echoed from behind her.

Alex whirled, shoving the stick back in her jacket- just in time to see a blue-cloaked figure burst from the Turquoise Thicket and come tearing towards her, cloak hem ripped and tattered.

She squinted at them, trying to work out what they were running from-

Then the first of the immense wolves tore out of the trees, and Alex was running too.

 

She quickly drew level with the other figure, who seemed to be making for the water of the Blue Brook, and realised who she was running with- her roommate. Marcy stumbled alongside her, exhausted- she barely acknowledged Alex, just ran alongside her as the thunder of massive paws got louder and louder-

With a yelp, Marcy tripped over a tree root and slammed, hard, into Alex, and the two of them went tumbling down the hill to the brook-

They landed in the frigid shallows with a resounding splash, caught in a tangle of limbs and weapons.

Shivering, Alex sat up in the cold mud and disentangled her sword belt from Marcy’s boot buckle, holding her breath. She couldn’t hear any running paws. In fact, she couldn’t hear anything, save the rush of water and she and Marcy’s ragged breathing.

As quietly as they could, she and Marcy scraped to their knees, eyes wide. Somewhere, a toad croaked. Crickets chirped. The wind whistled through the trees.

Silence.

Neither girl spoke for a good few minutes. Everything was still. In the distance, the Pumpkin Patch went dark, then light, then dark again. Someone was trying the Lights-Out Spell. Alex wondered who it was.

“I think we lost them.” Whispered Marcy-

With a bellow, a wolf exploded over the hill, roaring its victory, and the others leapt after it, tussling and scrambling down the decline, heading right towards them.

Both girls screamed-

A newcomer barrelled across the brook and swung their sword at the lead wolf, who immediately spun to confront its attacker.

“MARCY, RUN!” bellowed Tyler, bashing the wolf’s snout away with his sword. “RUN!”

“Oh, I love how he included me.” Muttered Alex- but Marcy was already scrambling upstream, and Alex rushed after her, the two of them wading through the shallows of the brook until they were gasping and shivering-

Marcy glanced over her shoulder and screamed again, and Alex spun to see Tyler pinned down by two wolves, holding them back with only his shield.

“SAVE HIM!” Marcy shouted at Alex. Alex went to tell her to do it herself, remembered _she_ was top marked in Swordplay, not Marcy, and Marcy only had a dagger, and that, while Tyler was a git, Alex didn’t want him to die…

Swearing, she drew her sword and splashed back across the brook-

Tyler’s shield crumpled, and the wolf’s jaws opened-

Someone jumped from the bridge above them, crashing into the water perilously close to Alex.

“STOP!” Sora shouted, and those great teeth halted inches from Tyler’s neck.

In fact, all of the wolves stopped.

A dozen pairs of great yellow eyes lifted to stare in Alex and Sora’s direction.

Sora and Alex both tried to hide behind each other at the same time.

“It’s your thing, why are you hiding-” she hissed, grappling with Sora-

“What was it you said they were, big old doggies? Look, those are some _really_ big old doggies-” Sora shoved her into the weeds and clambered to kneel behind her-

_“Sora, get them off me!”_ hissed Tyler.

“Oh.” Said Sora. “Right. Um- get off him.”

It was delivered with zero conviction, but they still obeyed and stood in a ragged line, staring at Sora.

“Um. Go back into the woods. Don’t attack any other competitors.”

“Wow. Really inspiring.” Mumbled Tyler, watching as the great grey dogs turned and slunk away, back up the hill.

“ _Thank you for stopping me getting eaten, Sora.”_ Said Sora, as Marcy came hurrying back over. “Yes, you’re welcome. First, can I just check- are we going to snatch each other’s flags and betray each other any time soon?”

There was a short, tense pause, wherein Tyler stared at Alex, Alex not-so-subtly leaned on her sword, and Marcy glanced in-between both of them-

Everyone shook their heads.

“Lovely.” Said Sora. “Let’s stop standing in a river, then.”

But Marcy stared at Tyler, eyes wide, still shin-deep in the brook.

“You… saved me.” She said, faintly.

“Then you made me save _him.”_ Muttered Alex. Marcy didn’t appear to hear her.

Tyler puffed out his chest a little, slightly pink in the face.

“Yes. Well. That’s what we princes do. For princesses.”

Marcy went scarlet.

“P-princesses?”

“Of course.”

Alex sighed and stared across the trees, in the direction of the Cyan Caves.

Sora caught a frog. Loudly. And very disruptively.

Tyler caught wind of what was going on, and glared at Alex. Obviously.

“Just because you can’t get a prince to like _you-”_ he started-

“I was making fun of you, not Marcy.” Yawned Alex, heading back to the hill. “I’m moving before we nearly die again.”

Marcy looked rather surprised.

 

* * *

 

They trooped up back to the pine forests, and traded stories of their trial so far.

Marcy had only just gotten in when the wolves had attacked, and had been running for a good amount of time before she’d found Alex. Tyler had heard her scream and run after her. Sora had stumbled into the Sleeping Willows running away from Morgan, and had only gotten out because he’d made it rain, which had woken him up just long enough to escape.

Alex told them about Thorne.

“-so I was sick on him.”

“ _What?”_ spluttered Tyler.

“I was freaked out and he was too close, and I already felt sick. So, I panicked, puked on him, and cut my hair off.”

Sora looked utterly gleeful.

“Serves him right.”

“Your hair was so nice.” Mumbled Marcy, then seemed to realise what she’d said and clamped her mouth shut. Alex shrugged.

“I’ll get a sick new haircut tomorrow. I’ll go punk.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she was sure she could see the tiniest of smiles playing on Tyler’s face.

“So… are we allies? For now?” Asked Sora. He was staring at Marcy and Tyler.

Tyler hesitated. Marcy stared at him, uncertain.

The wolves howled again.

“Everyone’s in.” said Sora tersely. “More people will be coming, soon.” He paused. “Has anyone gone out, yet?”

Alex shook her head.

“I’ve not noticed anything. Everyone’s doing well. But whatever. Are we splitting up, or not?”

Tyler took a breath-

“We’ll stay together.” Marcy said quickly.

Alex blinked at her, surprised. Marcy went pink.

“It’s just sense, isn’t it? Safety in numbers.”

“Right.” Said Alex, relieved despite herself. “Right. Where are we going, then- what are you looking at?”

This was directed at Tyler and Sora. Both boys had turned to stare in the direction of the Cyan Caves.

“There’s something over there.” Said Sora softly.

“You can hear it clicking.” Murmured Tyler. “And moving.”

Alex glanced nervously at Marcy, who looked frightened.

“You don’t think-”

“ _Shhh!”_ hissed Tyler. Spooked by his sudden change in attitude, both girls fell silent.

There was a moment of silence. Whatever was in the woods seemed to have stopped moving, too.

“Start moving away. Now.” Whispered Sora. “We’ll go along the river, to-”

He froze.

Slowly, the other three looked past him, and, together, the four Evers watched the immense scorpion scuttle out of the trees, its blue body armour glimmering in the moonlight.

“Oh...” Whispered Alex. “I _wish_ we’d paid attention in Surviving Fairy Tales.”

Very slowly, Sora took a step back. Then another. Tyler passed him, moving quicker, and Alex and Marcy followed-

A shadow fell over them.

Tyler closed his eyes briefly.

They turned to see a nine-foot ogre lumber from the opposite direction.

Sora said something very strong, very quietly, and everyone turned to return to the Blue Brook-

Marcy stepped on a branch.

They all winced at the resounding _crack,_ so loud it echoed off the trees and the nearby rock-faces. But, for a second, it seemed they had gotten away with it. Neither beasts nor students moved-

Then, with a furious squeal, the scorpion spun towards them, and the ogre’s head snapped down, a low growl rumbling in his throat.

“…anyone got a plan?” squeaked Tyler.

“Two and two? Tyler and Sora, Alex and me?” croaked Marcy.

“Which one do you want, Alex?” hissed Tyler, all animosity currently forgotten.

“Neither?” Alex offered. Tyler shot her a long-suffering look. Alex sighed. “I’ll take the scorpion. I guess.”

 

* * *

 

She regretted it quickly.

It moved quickly for something of its size, turning much faster than Alex had expected and lashing out with more force than its lumbering gait suggested. Soon, she and Marcy were ducking and dodging the stinger alone, not even getting close to approaching the scorpion itself. Alex was reminded uncomfortably of her fight against Buttercup the Troll.

Then the stinger moved away from her, lunging after Marcy as she danced across to the other side, and Alex saw an opportunity to test the thickness of that body armour. She lunged and brought down her sword on the blue armour with as much force as she could, hoping to glean the thickness, at the very least-

And the blade shattered.

Alex and Marcy ducked away from the flying shards of metal and the scorpion turned, hissing madly.

Alex panicked and hurled the useless hilt at the stupid thing’s head.

It just annoyed it more.

She and Marcy dove opposite ways as the stinger lashed in-between them- then swung around and stabbed out for Alex. Alex deflected it on her shield with a horrible screeching of metal, the force sending her crashing to the ground. She didn’t have a weapon. Magic? No, she’d either kill them all or turn into a chinchilla, neither of which were preferable. She’d never been as good with a sword as she was with a spear, but a fat lot of good that was now, considering she had _neither._

The tail whipped down again and Alex rolled away-

And rolled onto something hard.

That stupid _stick_. What had Dad said about it?

Panting, Alex scrabbled to her feet-

And the scorpion’s tail knocked Marcy’s legs out from under her, sending her crashing on her back into the dirt and knocking her breath out of her. Alex blanched. The scorpion reared, triumphant- and bearing a soft, unarmoured underbelly.

Alex’s eyes bugged.

Marcy saw it too, and their gazes met.

Alex saw Marcy’s dagger lying, abandoned, on the ground.

They had about five seconds to pull this off.

“ _OI_!” Alex bellowed at the scorpion, and kicked Marcy’s dagger towards her, praying she wasn’t going to accidentally impale her-

Marcy only just snatched it up, the blade slicing her palm- but as the scorpion shifted its attention to Alex, she reared back and drove the blade into the beast’s belly.

The screech was deafening, grating on her nerves and making her clamp her hands over her ears, but Alex had never been so relieved to hear something in her life.

She was less relieved when it fell on Marcy’s legs.

Alex rushed over, panting.

“Are you okay-”

“I’m fine.” Coughed Marcy, letting Alex grab her under the arms and tug her out from under the twitching carcass. “We- we make a pretty good team, I think.”

“I guess.” Said Alex. “Does that mean I’m not a _walking disaster_ , after all?”

Marcy turned a violent shade of red.

“Um, about that-”

Across the clearing, Tyler screamed.

Alex and Marcy whirled to see the Everboys backed up against the rock face closest to the Cyan Caves by the ogre, whaling uselessly on its leathery skin with their swords. It was making no difference.

One of the ogre’s huge hands swiped for them, Tyler only just ducking in time to avoid being grabbed. They were definitely in no position to escape.

Alex was already reaching for her sword before she saw the splintered hilt of it on the floor, and remembered. Panicked, she glanced helplessly at Marcy, who looked horrified-

Alex caught sight of a small piece of mahogany lying in the blue grass.

_When you need it, it'll work for you._

That’s what Dad had told her.

She remembered now.

And right now, she really, _really_ needed it, or Sora and Tyler were going to get their heads bashed in.

Alex stooped down, and picked it up.

“I really hope this does something useful.” She muttered.

“What?” Marcy squeaked.

“Gimme a hand, Dad.” Alex croaked.

She drew back, took a running start and _hurled_ the stick right at the ogre’s back.

It was a ridiculous shot. An impossible shot. A piece of wood a few inches long would never fly that far, let alone do any sort of damage.

But it didn’t stay a few inches long.

As it flew, the stick _changed,_ unfurling and extending in mid-air-

And a military-grade, five foot, spear slammed into the ogre’s back, cleaving all the way through and wedging itself there, quivering slightly.

Shocked, Alex and Marcy rushed over as the ogre crumpled against the cliff-face.

 

The tip of the spear-head quivered inches from Tyler’s nose. Sora was gaping at it. Above them, the ogre splintered to light and disappeared, no longer needed by the School Master.

Panting, Alex picked up her brand-new spear from the floor.

“Wow.” She gasped. “Thanks, Dad.”

Sora and Tyler goggled at her, still slumped against the rock.

“What’s Tedros got to do with this?” coughed Sora.

Alex sighed.

“It’s a long story.”

Sora took her proffered hand and staggered to his feet, but Tyler remained where he was, staring at her.

“Yeah, bet you don’t wanna fight her anymore, huh?” Muttered Sora. Tyler glared at him.

“Why are you so _snide?”_

Sora widened his eyes.

“We’re gonna talk about _me_ being snide? That’s rich, Mr _that’s-brought-her-down-a-bit.”_

Tyler coloured furiously, lurching to his feet, and took a few steps forward, hounding Sora backwards, back towards where Alex and Marcy had been fighting the scorpion.

“You just think that because Espada pulled us off each other, you won. You’re not so tough. I’d win in a fair fight.”

“Go on, then.” Said Sora, cheerfully. “Knock a couple of teeth out.”

“Oh, my god, _stop_!” Marcy interrupted, rushing to stand in-between them. “This isn’t going to solve anything-”

“How come the scorpion didn’t disintegrate, too?” Alex interrupted, peering at the floor where the ogre had lain.

“Who cares?” Tyler seethed, shoving past Marcy and stabbing a finger into Sora’s chest. “You’re just a jumped-up brat. You’re not even a proper prince.”

Sora looked unimpressed. Marcy looked unsure.

“You’re not getting a fight again, Tyler. I’ve no reason to slug it out, this time.”

Alex rolled her eyes and wandered back over to the scorpion.

“It’s still here.” She mused to Marcy, as Tyler and Sora stalked over, still arguing. “Wonder why.”

Marcy shrugged uncomfortably.

“Don’t know.” She glanced over at the boys. “Oh- Alex, can you stop them fighting?”

Alex raised her eyebrows.

“Not sure they’d stop for the Empress of Avalon Towers, honestly. _Oi, lads_! Neither of you are proper princes. Doesn’t matter how far Tyler is up on the ranking. None of the nobility will like him if he stays like this. Shut up.”

Sora snorted.

For some reason, this was the last straw for Tyler.

Tyler wheeled on Sora and shoved him.

“YOU’RE SUCH A COWARD! I KNOW YOU CAN FIGHT, I SAW YOU FIGHT THOSE BOYS OVER YOUR USELESS BROTHER-”

The change was instantaneous.

All mirth disappeared from Sora’s face, and his eyes darkened, his face paling chalk white to his very lips.

Tyler hesitated. Even in his anger, it was clear he’d crossed some sort of line, and none of them had ever seen Sora’s eyes go quite that cold before.

Marcy and Alex exchanged shocked looks.

“They… know each other outside of school?” whispered Marcy. Sora overheard her.

“We’ve been acquainted once before.” He said, voice overflowing with forced calm. “I trust he’s not going to mention it like that again.”

Tyler stared at him.

“You mean they don’t _know?”_

“It’s nothing to do with whether they _know_ or not, it’s to do with what you _said_ -”

“I’m not _wrong-”_

Sora lunged for him, Tyler swung back, Marcy shrieked-

And Alex realised why the scorpion hadn’t disappeared.

The School Master still needed it.

_“STOP!”_ she screamed-

And the scorpion reared with a terrible bellow, tail lashing madly.

* * *

 

Sora and Tyler broke apart, shocked, the second it lurched back up.

The scorpion’s stinger arced into the air, swinging madly, and slashed towards all four of them, seemingly unbothered by who it hit-

Time seemed to slow.

Tyler and Sora both moved as the deadly needle lanced towards the group, Sora’s sword forgotten on the ground, Tyler’s clutched in his fist, Alex’s spear useless-

Just as the needle hit Alex’s armour ( _the stinger can pierce even chainmail, under no circumstance should you get hit-)_ Sora slammed into Alex and Marcy, knocking them bodily out of the way.

Alex hit the floor so hard her head glanced off the ground, and Marcy shrieked in pain as Alex landed on top of her. So did Sora, but Alex couldn’t see him, was he next to her, her vision was blurred, had anyone been hit-?

The stinger drew back again- _where was Tyler?-_ Alex wondered how much it would hurt to get stabbed by it-

A bolt of red light slammed into the scorpion, and flames engulfed its blue armour.

Shrieking, the scorpion staggered away, convulsing and twitching violently, before crumpling onto its back and going still. Only then did it turn into light and disappear.

Alex slumped to the ground, head pounding. Her vision blurred, and her ears rang. Was she hurt? She couldn’t tell...

Someone was shaking her.

“Alex. _Alex._ If you’ve got a concussion, I’m not carrying you!”

Blearily, Alex peered up at the wide eyes above her.

“… June?”

“Oh, good, you’re not knocked out. Sit up, it’s important.”

“You saved us…?” Mumbled Alex as June yanked her to her feet.

“Like I said, it’s important.”

Rubbing her head, Alex struggled to her knees. Next to her, Sora was already sat up, pale-faced, and Marcy was lurching to her feet, trembling, with Tyler’s help.

Alex noted Tyler’s hostile expression before she realised who he was looking at.

“Marcy, let’s get out of here.” He said stiffly, staring at June, who gazed back, eyebrow cocked. “You don’t need another fight, we can stay safe for a while-”

Marcy stared at him, stumbling to a stop as Tyler tried to haul her away.

“What? No, Tyler, she saved us-”

“Yeah, no doubt so she could have a bash at fighting us herself-”

“If you carry on like this, I will have a bash. At your _skull_.” Growled June, just loud enough for Tyler to hear.

Tyler scowled at her and tried to tug Marcy away again, but Marcy stayed where she was, frowning. Alex could see her eyes shifting between she and Sora, still slumped on the floor, with June stood between them, and the insistent Tyler.

“But we can’t just leave Alex and Sora-”

“But _he_ can.” Said June, somewhat impatiently. “Unless I’ve missed something, Alex and Tyler aren’t fans of each other, and Sora and Tyler will happily knock each other out over it.”

Marcy looked down at Alex, helpless, and Alex looked away. She didn’t know what to tell her. Nearby, Sora was watching intently, face grim.

Tyler’s jaw worked furiously, eyes darting between the four of them.

“Marcy.” He tried one last time, a pleading edge creeping into his tone. “Marcy, it’s safer. _I_ can keep you safe, I don’t want to keep ranks with a Never-”

“Then don’t.” said Marcy.

Tyler stared at her.

“…what?”

Gently, but firmly, Marcy prised his fingers from her wrist and stepped back.

“You can leave, if you want. But I don’t want to ditch Alex again, and I don’t have a problem with Sora.”

Tyler hesitated- then looked over at June, stood by Alex, arms folded. Then back at Marcy. Then Alex and Sora. Then June. Then-

“Fine.” He said faintly. “Fine.”

He took a step back, and Marcy’s face crumpled. It seemed she hadn’t actually been expecting him to leave.

“Tyler-”

“Here.” Tyler handed her his shield. “Stay safe.”

He cast them a final, tense glance, offered Marcy a small, awkward bow, then turned and trudged away, disappearing alone into the trees.

There was a long pause. Marcy stared at the shield, mouth trembling, and the other three stared awkwardly in different directions, pretending not to notice.

“Bastard.” Sora swore eventually, lumbering to his feet, but he sounded weaker than before. They’d all hit the ground pretty hard.

June, seemingly startled back to reality, waved an impatient hand.

“Oh- forget that cretin, he’ll be fine.” Then, not unkindly, to Marcy; “He’ll come crawling back, love. But there’s something else you need to know.”

Alex blinked at her expectantly.

June paused. Took a breath, hesitated. Paused again.

“Well, we gotta try with everyone, but-”

She refocused.

“What’s up with you, Akiyama?”

Alex spun. Sora, still stood behind her, was doubled over, breathing shallowly, arms wrapped around his middle.

“…Sora?” she asked faintly.

“’m fine.” Sora said vaguely. “It’s just-”

He stopped, took a few breaths.

“I-”

His eyes rolled up in his head.

“Oh, my god-” squeaked Marcy.

“Catch him, catch him!” commanded June-

The three of them caught Sora as he crumpled, unconscious.

“What’s wrong with him?” Alex gasped. Her hands were wet. She pulled them out from under his midriff- “June, he’s bleeding!”

June was slate-grey.

“He got hit.”

“H-hit?” coughed Alex.

“By the _scorpion_ , Alex. When he tackled you two, what- three minutes ago?”

Alex’s heart stumbled.

Together, she and Marcy rolled him over- and, sure enough, a long, shallow cut was slashed through the chainmail on his left side, just at the bottom of his ribs. The cut itself didn’t look too bad- but the greenish tint to the skin around it did…

_It has a stinger, and if you get stung, you drop your flag and come back fast, because as well as being equivalent to being stabbed, it holds a particularly potent poison that can **kill** you._

Alex’s heart seized, and she scraped to her knees and lunged for Sora’s pockets.

“Where’s his flag? We need to send him back, Cromwell and Sophie can sort him out-”

“Alex-”

“Where did he _put_ it? Marcy, help me-”

“ _Alex_.”

“Not _now,_ June! Aha-” Alex yanked the white handkerchief from his jacket pocket-

June grabbed her shoulders and yanked her to face her, so she was practically shouting in her face.

“ _Alex, listen to me_!”

“ _WHAT?”_ Alex screamed back. She was trembling. When had she started trembling? Sora was a dead weight in her lap. He was still bleeding. They needed to send him back-

June shook her.

“-PAY ATTENTION!”

_“I AM!”_

“When we came in, no one else had come out. It was more than _two hours_ after you and Thorne went in, and _everyone_ was still in the woods. Everyone is still in the woods _now._ ”

Marcy frowned.

“That… doesn’t make sense.”

June scowled, exasperated-

“ _Yes,_ that’s what I’m getting at- so we went in, and the first thing Talib and I saw? Luke, Kia and Morgan, fighting a chimera. Together.”

“ _…together_?” asked Alex.

“Yes _, together,_ are you deaf? That’s not your problem, although it’s connected-”

“CAN YOU STOP BEING SO DAMNED _EVASIVE_ -” barked Alex.

“FINE!” barked June. “KIA GOT BURNT, WANTED TO GO BACK, SO SHE DROPPED HER FLAG-”

“But you said that no one’s _gone_ back!” protested Marcy.

“EXACTLY!” Howled June. “ _THE FLAGS DON’T WORK_!”

Alex stared at her, chest heaving, ragged breaths tearing out of her throat.

There was a long, long, pause.

“…what?” Alex whispered.

“They don’t _work!”_ June cried. “They’re duds. _Useless._ Cromwell’s got a lot to answer for, I can tell you that-”

Alex cut her off.

“ _No._ No, they have to work, they can’t-”

June shook her head, resigned.

“Drop Sora’s.” she told her. When Alex didn’t react, June snatched it from her and did it herself.

Sora’s handkerchief slipped from her fingers, hit the ground, and-

And nothing.

Nothing happened.

The three of them stared at the piece of bloodstained white cloth, stubbornly non-magical, and, slowly, looked back at Sora, unconscious in Alex’s arms.

Marcy was a funny grey colour. June’s eyes were darting almost feverishly between Sora and his flag.

Still, Alex stared at Sora.

Then, slowly, she looked up at the other two, whose wide-eyed, trembling faces matched hers exactly.

Somewhere in the trees, someone screamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the part where I run away  
> (come and scream at me on instagram and tumblr: @pumpkinpaperweight)


	23. the trial: part 2

“Something’s wrong,” Sophie said, not for the first time. When Cromwell ignored her (again), she growled, irritated, and spun to Hort.

“Hort. You and I have both seen--and been in--plenty of these. I have never seen a Trial be this successful before.”

“Wonder why,” muttered Cromwell. Sophie swelled, indignant, and Hort intervened.

“Ida, this isn’t about how well they’re taught. Even if it was, then the Nevers would be coming out, and they’re not. No one is coming out. That’s not right.”

Hort would normally agree with Sophie anyway, but this time, he didn’t need to fake it. This wasn’t normal; in their first Trial, Kiko had surrendered within the first five minutes. It had been hours.

Cromwell scoffed. Sophie bit her tongue, obviously struggling to keep her temper. Hort had to agree there, too; dealing with this woman was getting harder as the school year went on, the whole staff had found.

“There’s a first time for everything,” Cromwell dismissed. “Besides, it’s a big forest. Lots of places to hide.”

“Not with the School Master’s traps and 22 students all firing off poorly-cast spells at the same time,” snapped Sophie. “They can’t avoid each other forever. And they won’t--students gang up on each other in the Trial, always.”

Cromwell looked uncomfortable.

“I’m sure that’s not true--”

The looks on the other two’s faces sent her trailing off.

“…well, nothing seems amiss at the moment,” She blustered, striding back down to where the students waited in the clearing. “It’s quiet.”

“Too quiet,” mumbled Hort, falling in beside Sophie. Sophie nodded, glowering at Cromwell’s back.

“Alex is in there, for goodness’s sake,” she snapped. “It shouldn’t be quiet.”

Hort gnawed at his lip, glancing over at the students around them and Cromwell, bustling over to talk to the Evers. He stopped walking, and Sophie stopped too.

“...what is it?” Sophie turned to him, trying to look casual in case the students nearby decided to eavesdrop.

“Can we get in?” Hort asked--and, as several students glanced up, curious, in a lower voice: “Find out what’s happening?”

“Not easily,” Sophie murmured. “We’d have a better view from the balconies, but they’re all dressed similarly.”

“That’s not a no.”

“Ida says the forest is impenetrable,” Sophie said primly. “No one can get in. I’m sure she’s right.”

Hort waited expectantly.

Sophie’s mouth curved slightly.

“She never did say anything about being able to see in, though.”

Hort grinned.

“It’ll take at least an hour to work,” Sophie warned him. “You’ll have to distract Ida. It’ll be close to sunrise by the time I can see, anyway. We’ve left it too long.”

Trying not to think too hard about that last bit, Hort glanced over at the Nevers skulking by the trees, suspicious glances starting to be exchanged--not only between the Evil students, but also between the huddled, unhappy groups of Evers across the Clearing.

“Easy.” Hort murmured.

He paused. Anemone, Uma, Espada and Lukas were visible together on the Valour Breezeways, as were the Evil Professors in Malice.

“I’ll get them to tell me what they’ve seen as well,” Sophie said, following his gaze. “I know they’re doddering old fools, but they got us through our fairy tale--”

“Sophie.”

Sophie stopped.

“What if we... lose someone?”

It was a pathetic euphemism, but he couldn't bring himself to say it outright.

Sophie glanced at Cromwell, voice audible in the mostly quiet clearing:

“--yes, they’re doing very well, aren’t they? I’m very proud--don’t be ridiculous, Jonah, there’s nothing wrong--”

“We hope that Alex has got at least half of her mother’s brains,” Sophie said tersely. She turned and swept away towards the twin castles.

* * *

“Everything is goddamn blue!” June snarled in frustration, rooting through the bushes as she passed with slightly more aggression than necessary. “How do they expect me to find the right herbs in the Blue Forest?”

“Don’t think they do, to be honest,” sighed Marcy, hopping a small stream. “They tend to rely on you being able to get out.”

“Oh, thanks Marcy, I didn’t realise that,” snapped June. Alex staggered behind them, silent for once. Carrying Sora was proving more difficult than she’d anticipated--as dead weight, he was a lot heavier than he had been when she’d thrown him in the pool that time in the Groom Room, and his chainmail only made it worse. It wasn’t like she was fighting fit, either.

“Is it bad that he’s still out?” she asked faintly, limping after the other two.

“No, it means he can’t feel anything,” grunted June.

“Oh,” said Alex, peering down at Sora’s wound.

She paused.

“Uh, June?”

“If he’s dead, at least put him down, for God’s sake,” sighed June.

Marcy shot her a reproachful look, which was ignored. Alex just carried on:

“It’s going green.”

June turned. “…what’s going green?”

“Uh, the stab wound.”

There was a pause.

“Shit,” snarled June.

“Is that bad?” Alex squeaked.

“It’s always been bloody bad--put him down, down there--”

Alex did as she was told, and the three girls clustered around.

“He’s definitely greyer in the face than he was,” Marcy said faintly.

“Who cares what he looks like in the face--what the hell are you doing?”

Alex and Marcy stared as June dug the pad of her finger into the wound. Sora flinched.

“Ah, shit. It is,” she muttered.

“It’s… what?” prompted Marcy.

“Can’t remember its name,” June muttered. “It’s the base of all sorts of Never poisons. The Evil Queen used it to make the poison apple--”

“Don’t suppose I look much like Snow White, do I?” A voice rasped from below them. “I mean, in theory I do, I have all the features, but I just look like a goblin instead of a princess.”

Sora stared up at them, looking somewhere between bewildered and amused.

“Oh goody, he’s conscious. That makes it easier. Not,” muttered June. Sora continued:

“You all look sweaty and scared, though, so maybe we can all look like death together.”

Alex frowned. “Have you been faking unconsciousness to make me carry you?”

“Oh, duh, let me just stand up and walk off, I’m so lazy--”

“He’s gonna go loopy,” sighed June, peering into Sora’s eyes. “It makes you go crazy if it’s undiluted. Wonder if he’s got any decent blackmail material.”

Sora didn’t bother responding.

“Did you say it was going green?” he asked, far too conversationally.

“Why, is it your favourite colour?” snapped June, stripping a nearby plant of its leaves and sniffing them. Whatever they were, they must have been decent, because she crammed them into her mouth. Marcy pulled a face.

“Nah, my favourite colour is brown,” chirped Sora.

“That’s boring,” Alex told him, concerned by his complete lack of concern. Sora looked offended.

“It is not. I used to like red but now I…uh, don’t.”

Alex stared, confused. Marcy’s eyes narrowed.

“Told you. Loopy. Move up.” June wedged herself in-between them and spat the leaves into her palm, then slapped them onto Sora’s wound.

“Gross,” said Sora cheerfully.

“He’s never been this friendly before,” mourned Alex. “I can’t believe he’s at his nicest when he’s been poisoned--what’s up, June?”

June had stopped and was staring into the trees with narrowed eyes--

“Someone’s coming,” she said softly.

Alex’s hand shifted to her spear, fingers very slowly beginning to unbuckle it. June jerked her head slightly to the left.

“Someone or something?” whispered Marcy.

“Not sure,” June murmured. Alex slowly shuffled back to standing, stepping back to cover Sora, holding her spear lightly. Marcy hefted Tyler’s shield. June’s fingerglow hadn’t ignited, but her hand was lifted, ready.

“Someone. They’ve stopped,” June confirmed a few seconds later. “Blue cloak.”

There was definitely someone who stood just inside the trees--Alex could see their cloaked silhouette. She supposed they looked the same. No wonder they were at a stalemate.

“Who is it?” whispered Marcy.

“Dunno.” Alex admitted.

“A Never?” Marcy squinted into the trees. Alex tugged her back.

Sora peeked past Alex’s legs, frowning. “…you idiots, that’s not a Never.”

“Sora, be quiet!” hissed Alex--

“Alex, not so loud!” snapped June--

“Don’t be ridiculous, that’s Nadiya!” barked Sora.

Everyone stared at him.

“How the hell do you know that?” demanded June.

Sora blinked. “How do you not? Same shoulders. Same height. Same posture. You can see some of her braid.”

There was a short pause.

Marcy and June looked at each other, then back at Sora.

“I’d believe him if he wasn’t daft,” said June.

“Shut up,” snapped Sora, with slightly more venom than Alex was expecting. “I know what I’m saying.”

“That’s what they all say,” sighed June.

“Guess you’ll feel stupid when I’m right, then. OI, NADIYA--!”

All three of them lunged for him at the same time.

Alex squatted precariously next to them, wobbling on the balls of her feet in the cover of the bushes. June grabbed Sora and covered his mouth, and Marcy wedged herself in-between them, all three of them trying to get out of sight as quickly as possible.

“IT COULD BE A TRICK YOU BLITHERING IDIOT!” June snarled in a furious whisper, hand clamped over his mouth. “DO YOU WANT TO GET YOUR HEAD TAKEN OFF?”

“Wod be faser thn poisn,” said Sora, muffled under her hand.

June glared at him. Marcy cast another glance at his wound.

“June, it’s spreading.”

June followed her gaze and grimaced, also noticing the green streaks starting to crawl up his side.

“Do something!” Alex hissed, starting to panic again. June sighed. It did not make Alex feel any better.

“I’ll try, but I need somewhere safer. We could get jumped any minute--stop pulling my damn cloak, Akiyama, I thought you said you weren’t off the deep end yet--so we need to move.”

“I can’t carry him loads further,” sighed Alex, running a hand through her hair. She’d never wanted to pull on her braid more than now--anxious habits died hard--but it was a) detached from her head and b) with Thorne, so that was out the window.

June opened her mouth to say something--then winced, as a hand slammed into her hip. “What, Sora? Don’t hit me.”

Sora widened his eyes pointedly from above June’s hand. Reluctantly, June removed her hand.

“I was going to warn you of the approaching potential trick. Hi, Nadiya. These guys are idiots.”

Alex spun, lost her balance, and fell on Marcy. Nadiya (and it was Nadiya) stood over them, looking vaguely confused.

“…hi,” said Nadiya. “Why are you on the floor? Are you okay? And what happened to Alex’s hair?”

“Well, what do you know?” mused June to Sora, patting his cheek distractedly. “You might be poisoned, love, but you’ve got perfect eyesight.”

Sora nodded thoughtfully to himself. “June?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m gonna be sick.”

* * *

“You’re being a fussy old git,” snapped Agatha, punching her pillow back into shape with far too much aggression.

“Are you telling me you don’t think that something's up?” pressed Tedros.

“Yes! Because I never listen to you!!”

“Well, maybe you should!”

“I haven't done it for 30 years, I'm not about to start now!”

“This is serious! Maybe I should go and find some of the knights--”

Agatha spurted a bark of harsh laughter, probably harsher than it should have been.

“You paranoid old man! Look at you, sending your young fit men to do work that doesn't need doing!”

Tedros, surprisingly, didn't take the bait. Agatha barrelled on--

“You'll be like King Adrian of Jaunt Jolie soon, palace screening for every letter, trying to relive your glory days by forcing people to let you win in tournaments-”

“Agatha.”

“-- sleeping with a dagger in case someone tries to get at your precious heirs--”

“Agatha. Agathaaaa.”

“WHAT--oh, god, you’re doing that stupid look--”

“Means you’re doing a bad job of concealing what you really think,” Said Tedros simply, the patronising half-smile sliding off his face, thank god.

“I think you’re a mollycoddling twit!” thundered Agatha.

“What’s new?” Tedros sat up, and Agatha replaced her pillow over her head. “Come on, Agatha, that letter wasn’t just concise, it was downright suspicious.”

“That’s because Sophie wrote it.” Snapped Agatha. “You always villainise her-”

“She is a villain!” Tedros pointed out, composure slipping. “Alex forgot to write, so what we have to go off is one sentence about her wellbeing and a slightly unsettling statement about the Trial, from Sophie. It's not exactly inspiring hope in me!”

“Because you know so much about inspiring hope, Lion.” scoffed Agatha.

“THE REST OF THE LETTER WAS ABOUT FASHION!” roared Tedros.

“Don't be an ass, it was fine--”

Tedros lunged over her, Agatha tried to shove him back, he wrestled past her and snatched a piece of paper from her bedside table. He cleared his throat;

“Dear Aggie, Alex is brilliant. Will update you on the Trial later, we have some things to sort out quite urgently. Did you receive those swatches of Von Zarashin's new collection that I sent you? I thought the beige sort of colour would appeal to you, given that I find it frankly, repulsive-”

Agatha yanked it off him, he tried to grab it back, and she kicked him back onto the mattress.

“Ow! Cut your toenails!”

Agatha stabbed him in the back with her foot.

“Cut it out, Agatha-”

His voice cracked at the end.

Agatha stopped immediately. “Are you… actually upset about this?” she said carefully. He was still facing away from her. It was hard to tell.

“No,” said Tedros.

Agatha waited.

Tedros sniffed.

“A bit,” he mumbled, which meant yes and was as good as she was going to get.

Agatha had a brief, aggressive internal war, between feeling bad for winding Tedros up until he cried, (because they were both worried, and she was just trying to crush it) being intensely exasperated, intensely endeared, or crying as well.

None of them won.

She sighed.

“Oh, Tedros--”

“’m fine,” Tedros snuffled, in a valiant effort to sound collected (which failed miserably).

“No, I’m sorry. Give me a second.”

She kissed Tedros’s cheek, slid out of bed and tramped over to the side table, scooping up the small hand mirror left on its face.

“Mirror, mirror...oh, I can never remember the stupid rhyme.” She stabbed her finger at the mirror. “Just show me Sophie.”

There was no reply for several seconds. Then Sophie swung into focus, leaning over something, looking a little dishevelled, which was unusual.

“Oh, Aggie, darling, is it important? I’m a little busy right now--”

Something in Sophie’s tone made Agatha’s stomach sink, and Tedros must have heard it, too, because he sat up, frowning.

“Um… depends. What are you busy with?”

“What were you calling for?”

There was a short pause. “Um… Alex. Tedros--” Agatha caught the pointed look and sighed. “We were worried. You said there was something you were sorting out.”

The harried look on Sophie’s face wasn’t disguised fast enough, and Agatha sat forward.

“Has something happened?”

Sophie coughed, and looked away quickly as Tedros appeared over Agatha’s shoulder.

“Well, we’re looking into something right now, but--”

Outside wherever Sophie was, shouting erupted, and Sophie’s eyes widened.

“Um, it could be a false alarm, but--”

“Sophie.”

Sophie caught the tone, and stopped babbling instantly, staring at whatever she was bent over.

“What’s happened?” Agatha hissed.

Sophie sighed. She suddenly looked very tired, Agatha thought.

“You called at the right time. Or maybe the wrong one.” The focus of the mirror moved, and Agatha found herself looking into the hazy surface of another mirror, a much bigger gilded specimen that Sophie had always kept in her room, now clearly enchanted.

“Is that… always like that? Is it a bigger version of this?”

“No,” Sophie said tiredly. “I just finished it now. It doesn’t need a twin, which is why it’s harder to enchant. It’ll show me what’s happening in the Trial.” She cleared her throat.

“Show me Alex of Camelot!”

* * *

 

After Sora had finished throwing up, it hadn’t been long before he’d slipped into unconsciousness again, which had made Alex panic, which had made Marcy panic, which had made June shout--

Which had been brought to an abrupt end when Nadiya had taken charge.

“Alex. Alex. Please stop crying, you’re making me want to cry, and it’s not going to help Sora. We need to get moving. Do you think you can carry Sora?”

Alex blinked up at her, nose running. “Where can we go?”

Nadiya blinked once or twice. “Oh, hell, I didn’t tell you--right. Um, I actually specifically came looking for you. We’re all gathering together next to the Blue Brook.”

June frowned. “…we? As in, what, the Evers?”

“No. All of the competitors. In the Trial.”

Marcy gawked. “What?”

Nadiya frowned. “I… figured the best course of action would be to get everyone together to try and work out what to do next, seeing as the normal rules don’t apply anymore. So I found as many people as I could, went to the Blue Brook, and then we went out looking for everyone else.”

Marcy shot up. “Have you found Tyler?”

Nadiya shook her head. “No, I…I admit, I thought he’d be with you.”

Marcy sagged, disappointed. Alex looked away, awkwardly, and started trying to pick up Sora.

June snorted. “Didn’t want to rub shoulders with me,” she told a confused Nadiya as she waved for her to take the lead. “But guess he’ll be stuck with us soon enough. Lead on, Princess.”  
  
“…bloody hell,” said Alex the second they set foot in the clearing.

It had taken them a while to get there--Alex, carrying Sora, had been extra careful to avoid jogging him or putting him in any more pain, and he was a dead weight again, so they’d made slow progress. But now, the other Trial competitors were visible, clustered in small groups by the bank of the Blue Brook. Immediately it was clear to Alex that they were all in similar predicaments; she could see burns, cuts, bruises and broken bones, twisted ankles and scraped faces, all victims of the faculty’s and the School Master’s traps--and, possibly, each other, before the problem had been made apparent.

Heads turned towards them, and immediately students came rushing over. Morgan and Hilda, Kia and Luke, and…

“Guys!”

Talib, broad, sturdy, largely unscathed and surprisingly comforting, pushed his way through the crowd approaching them, relieved--and stopped dead when he saw Alex and Sora.

“…Sora?” His voice was small, faltering, as if he thought saying it quieter would make it less real.

Alex opened her mouth to say something, realised she didn’t know what to say, then shut it again, afraid she might make it worse. “Uh, he’s not dead,” was all she managed.

Someone at the back giggled nervously. Alex couldn't tell who. Maybe one of the Nevergirls.

“Yes, thank you, Alex,” sighed June.

Talib stood rooted to the spot for a minute, rocking nervously on his heels. Everyone waited for someone else to speak.

Nadiya stepped up to the plate. "Um, I think we all need to trade stories, but first, let Alex put Sora down, she's shaking."

Alex looked down, surprised to find herself trembling with exertion.

"I'll take him," Talib blurted, and rushed forward to take Sora off Alex, suddenly snapped out of his trance. Alex let him, surprised by how easily Talib lifted him, and sagged against Nadiya, who was frowning, counting people under her breath.

"20," She told Alex. "We're missing two."

"Tyler and Thorne," Alex coughed. "Tyler left us after June arrived, and I haven't seen Thorne since I fought him. But everyone else is here?"

"Most of the competitors were together before I even got in," Nadiya told her, as they turned to follow Talib, June and Marcy. "I figured everyone was just doing well, but when I got in, Kia came running up to me, crying, telling me that her flag wasn't working, that she wanted to go back. We tried everything, and she was right."

"By the time we were about to go in, we knew something was up," Said June grimly, elbowing a couple of anxious Evergirls out of their way as she followed the others. "We'd heard loads of fights, but not one person had come out. Talib and I got in and found everyone clustered around the gate like damned sheep--I am getting to what happened to Sora, stop clutching him like a stricken lover and put him down!"

This last sentiment was delivered to Talib, who had huffed impatiently during June's explanation. He jumped, seemingly having forgotten that was what he was meant to be doing, and carefully set Sora down in the grass, who made a small, pained noise as it jostled his injury. Talib looked stricken.

"So," snapped June. "I found Alex and the others badly fighting one of those massive scor-" she noticed the look on Talib's face and stopped mid sentence. "Actually, you know what? All you need to know is that Sora’s been stabbed by one of those damned scorpions, and I am trying my best to stabilise him, especially after what you told me. Stop flapping and fetch me willow bark, chamomile, Echinacea stalk, and ginger root."

Talib leapt to his feet immediately.

“Why Talib?” Alex demanded.

“Because he lives on a farm, and I bet you your whole family fortune that he knows what they all look like and where to find them, blue or bloody not! He’ll be fast, which is what we need right now.”

Talib nodded a couple of times, apparently trying to collect himself.

“No, yeah. Yeah. She’s right. They’re all medicinal, ginger grows best in the shade, Echinacea in open wooded areas…” he trailed off thoughtfully. “Right. I’ll be back…soon,” he cast a nervous glance down at Sora. "Very soon."

He turned and sprinted off, tripping over his sword as he went. Everyone stared after him.  
“Idiot,” said June, surprisingly fondly, plopping down in the grass next to Sora and examining his side. “All the Everboys are so annoying, apart from him.”

“You… know him?” asked Nadiya, surprised.

“He’s been getting me plants I need from the Ever side for months,” yawned June. “When you guys have detention we sit together at lunch. He’s polite to all of us.”

Alex blinked, surprised. “Oh. That’s… nice. Actually.”

“Don’t push it, Pendragon.”

“Wait, what did he tell you?” interrupted Marcy. “Sora being like this has something to do with… something Talib's told you?”

June shot her a withering glance. “Nothing you need to know about.”

Marcy frowned. June didn’t budge, though, and eventually she gave up.

Nadiya, standing beside Alex, cast a tense glance around the assembled, all of whom were staring at them.

"What?" Demanded Alex.

"What's the plan?" Asked Kia.

"… huh?"

"You've got a plan, right?" Chimed in Luke.

Eight Evers and a few, less prideful, Nevers blinked hopefully at Alex.

"Um… no," said Alex weakly. "Were you expecting me to?"

The hopeful looks shifted to frowns.

"Um, yeah. Your mom always had a plan," Morgan told her.

"And Sophie," added Luka.

"And Merlin," contributed Marcy. "Didn't any of them teach you anything?"

"Well...yeah? But--"

"You've spent enough time trying to outsmart Cromwell, surely you can think of a way to do it now," muttered Hilda.

"Why can't you guys think of a plan?" Snapped Alex, irritated by the return of the comparisons at the most inopportune time.

"Because you're supposed to," said Troye, like it was simple.  
  
"No I'm not! I'm 23rd! I didn't spend my whole childhood at magic fairy tale hero school!"

"God, she's really not living up to the whole thing, is she?" Mused Luka, leaning over to Morgan.

Alex flushed a furious, humiliated red.

Just like Dad, she realised.

It did not make her feel better.

"Sorry to break it to you, in case you've been living the fantasy, but if the 23rd rank on the leader board didn't clue you in, you haven't got Agatha, or Tedros, or Hester, or Merlin, or even his ruddy hat! You've got me! The loser daughter! And I don't have an ability to grant wishes, or a holy sword, or a magic cape, or whatever else you might like me to whip out! And I definitely don't have a bleeding plan!"

"You mean to say they didn't teach you anything about... anything?" Squeaked Kia.

"They taught me how to read, not how to airlift 21 idiot classmates out of an impossible situation that our teachers were stupid enough to get us into!" Alex boomed back.

Luka took a breath to argue--

"Hi. I made a friend," sighed Talib from the edge of the trees.

Everyone spun.

"Do I want to know why everyone's sat together?" Drawled Thorne, trapped by Talib's grip on his collar. "Is this a Kumbaya moment? Is everyone going to make friends before the melee?"

There was a pause whilst everyone registered this change in situation.

"If he wasn't such a bastard, I'd laugh," whispered June.

Thorne looked up and shot Alex a bloody-mouthed smile. Apparently he'd run into a few of the faculty's traps, himself.

"We didn't finish our fight, Princess."

"Die mad about it," growled Alex, stomping over to check on Sora. "What'd you bring him here for, Talib?"

"Wasn't intending to," mumbled Talib, coming further towards them and yanking Thorne with him. Now he was closer, Alex could see a bruise forming on his jaw. "But he jumped me."

"You're faster than you look," Thorne admitted.

"You punch harder than you'd think," Talib told him, handing June the required herbs. "But I didn't know what to do, so I figured we could bring him here and see if he has any input."

"On what? Your little alliance?" Thorne twisted to stare around at everyone. "Disappointing. I'd expected better from you, Hilda."

Hilda just sneered.

"Maybe you've been too busy to notice, darling," snapped June. "But the usual Trial rules have been abandoned."

Thorne snorted.

"I haven't seen anyone apart from Princess Loser, so forgive me for not being up to date. What're the terms of it, then? A protest against the way that the whole Endless Woods works? A little sit-in to try and tell Cromwell she's useless?"

He looked down, saw Sora, and his eyebrows lifted.

"The hell are you keeping him here for? Too lazy to send him back?”  
"We can't, genius, our flags don't work." Snapped Alex.

To her utter surprise, Thorne's face wavered. His unpleasant smile dipped, wavered, struggled--

"You mean… your flag doesn’t work."

"No, all of ours--what do you mean, mine? Why wouldn't only mine work?"

Thorne ignored her. "No one's works?" he demanded. There was a murmur of assent.

"What do you mean, mine?" Alex pressed, speaking over him.

Thorne ignored her again, muttering feverishly to himself...then his face cleared.

Before Alex could stop him, he’d jerked out of Talib’s grip and spun on him, raising his burning red fingertip and yanking a knife from his belt. Marcy shrieked, and June swore, and--

A bolt of blue light smacked Thorne in the head, knocking him sideways into the grass, and giving Luke and Nadiya ample time to pin him down.

“Turns out magic is quite easy when you’re dying,” chirped Sora from the floor. “Lots of emotions.”

“What did you hit him with?” gasped Marcy, as Thorne groaned from the ground and Alex and Talib gawked.

“Magic-suppressant spell.”

“Isn’t that… unapproved?” asked Troye.

“Who cares?” Sora muttered. “Didn’t mean to hit him in the head though, that could be a bit dodgy.”

He shrugged.

Told you. Loopy. June mouthed from behind him.

Talib opened his mouth, hesitated, shut it again. “Um… how are you feeling?” he ventured.

Sora looked completely unsurprised to see him. Alex’s suspicions, that he was not always as unconscious as he seemed, grew ever stronger.

“Dreadful, but you make everything better, darling. You somehow still look beautiful. Alex looks like the Jaunt Jolie Swamp Eagle, but you’ve still got a face that could launch a thousand ships. Carved by angels. Not just any angels, either. Like. Michelangelo angels. MichelAngelos.”

No one said anything. Sora gazed groggily at Talib, who looked somewhere between pleased and terrified.

“Who’s Michelangelo?” asked June. Sora ignored her.

“I can’t believe I want to laugh,” whispered Nadiya, hands clamped firmly over her mouth.  
Alex bit her tongue.

“Um.” Said Luke, into the immensely awkward silence. “What do we do with Thorne?”

* * *

“Alright, out with it,” said Alex, as they hauled Thorne back after his third failed escape attempt. It appeared that even the fearsome Thorne couldn’t outrun Alex, Talib, and three other Everboys. “Why’d you think only mine would stop working?”

Thorne glowered up at her.

“You definitely know something,” Alex continued. “It would be easier just to tell us. We’re still your classmates, even if you hate us. We’re all stuck here together.”

Thorne’s scowl deepened.

Suddenly, Nadiya gasped.

Everyone turned to stare at her.

Across the grass, Sora’s eyes narrowed.

It appeared they’d both just come to the same conclusion.

“Alex…” said Nadiya slowly. “You heard Cromwell say that spell was new?”

“…yeah. Why?”

“Seems mightily convenient that the new one was the dud,” Nadiya said thinly. “I wonder where she got it from.”

“It came from Foxwood,” Sora drawled from behind her. “A kingdom which has both Evers and Nevers. That’s fun!”

“… Why’s that fun?” Asked Talib, handing Thorne to the other Everboys and heading across the grass to sit with Sora.

Sora smiled indulgently at him. “Because, my darling angel prince, Cromwell would assume it had come from an Ever, when it could have quite easily come from a Never.”

“Hm. Loopy, but logical,” June nodded thoughtfully. “So you think it was a plant?”

“M-hm!” Sora fiddled with Talib’s collar. “I wonder who by.”

Thorne sneered at him. “We can’t get letters, you know that.”

Nadiya frowned. “No, but you can send them.”

Thorne remained silent.

“So you’d expected Alex’s flag not to work,” Said Nadiya coldly. “Funny, that.”

A long, tense silence stretched.

Thorne lifted his head and snarled. “I didn’t know stupid Cromwell was going to use the dud spell on everyone!” he barked. “I wanted to duke it out with Pendragon, so I slipped down the ranks on purpose, so I wouldn’t make the team, but I would be the Wild Card. I didn’t want to be stuck with all of you!”

“So you planted a spell and, what, specified you two as the people it should be used on?” demanded June.

“No, it said to use it only on the Wild Cards,” Alex remembered now. “Cromwell didn’t want to give us preferential treatment, though, so she used it on everyone.” She looked down at Thorne. “How’d you get that to her, then?”

“I’ve got a cousin in Foxwood. Set it up for me. Made it look reputable and sent it in. He’s got links in the Everwood Society, so it wasn’t so hard.”

“Grandmother knew they were corrupt,” said Sora gleefully, then apparently remembered the matter at hand. “Oh, so it’s your fault we’re stuck here, then?”

“It’s Cromwell’s,” snapped Thorne. “I didn’t tell her to extend it to you idiots.”

“Mm, yeah, well, neither did we,” Sora pointed out. “But you were still intending to sabotage Alex’s, right?”

“Obviously.”

* * *

“I’M GONNA KILL HIM!” Tedros roared at the mirror. Sophie winced.

“NO YOU’RE NOT, HE’S FIFTEEN, NOW BE QUIET FOR GOD’S SAKE,” Agatha barked.

“WHERE DOES HE LIVE?” Tedros demanded.

“WHO CARES? SIT DOWN YOU IDIOT--” Agatha attempted to yank Tedros back into his seat, with minimal success, so she punched him in the back of the knees instead.

“I’M GOING TO THE SCHOOL!” Tedros thundered from the floor.

“NO YOU’RE NOT!” Agatha bellowed back.

* * *

Several hundred miles away from the gentle marital dispute between his friend’s parents, Sora scoffed. “Should’ve thought that one through a bit more, shouldn’t you? Hardly a proper villain. Was it hard for you to slip down the rankings? I imagine not.”

For some reason, this enraged Thorne more than anything else. He ripped from Luka’s grip and lunged for Sora. Alex lunged for Thorne, Thorne elbowed her out the way and onto the floor, and Sora shouted-- either pain or panic, Alex prayed it was panic--

June grabbed Thorne by the hair and dragged him backwards. Thorne spun, flaming red and furious, ducked out of her grip and lunged again--

Talib hurdled Alex and punched Thorne in the mouth.

It didn’t look like a hard punch, but it certainly sounded like one--the crack echoed throughout the clearing. Thorne staggered, eyes rolling briefly, before his legs gave out and he crumpled, heaving to the floor, blood staining his lips, teeth, and chin.

“Oh, my god, is that his tooth?” squeaked Kia, pointing to a white shard conspicuous against the blue grass.

Alex’s jaw dropped.

“Remind me never to goad Talib,” June peeped to a gawking Nadiya.

“Wow,” said Sora dreamily.

“He just punched someone in the face, Sora,” sighed Marcy.

“I’m dying, not blind. That was hot--”

Thorne scrambled to his feet, blood dripping from his mouth, and Talib drew himself up to his full height, cracking his knuckles.

“We should probably stop them?” suggested Kia, as Thorne tensed.

“Oh,” said Alex, who had been fully intending to watch Talib flatten Thorne. “I guess.”

* * *

  
An hour later, the students were hearing howls, grunts, and snarls, getting ever closer, and they'd come no closer to forming any kind of plan. Troye had suggested trying to blow up the gates, and had been shot down by June and Morgan--apparently they were enchanted against that exact thing, and a student had been permanently mogrified in the past for trying it.

“Surely it's not that harsh, now.” Scoffed Troye.

“You can take your chances, if you like,” snapped June. “I'm sure you'll be very attractive to Evergirls as a turtle.”

Troye had scowled.

Alex had suggested trying to get the attention of their classmates outside, but it quickly became apparent that outside, you could see very little and hear even less; June and Talib had had no idea what was going on before they entered. Spells were no use against the magical barrier, and they all knew what happened if you Mogrified and tried to fly in or out.  
  
“I mean… it wasn't like your mom died?” Offered Marcy.

“But there's no way Sora would survive it.” Huffed Alex. Morgan opened her mouth. June elbowed her, hard, and she shut up. It seemed even she wouldn't entertain the idea of leaving Sora behind.

So there they sat, back at square one, with the distinct impression they were being closed in on.

“This is where someone needs to have a breakthrough,” pressed Kia.

Several people peeked over at Alex.

“I haven't had a restock of magic brilliant plans since you last asked,” grouched Alex. “In fact, we never stocked any in the first place!”

No one laughed. Alex stole a nervous glance over at Sora, usually reliably sarcastic in awkward situations, but he’d slipped back into unconsciousness a while back, and wasn’t looking ready to surface any time soon. June and Talib sat tense beside him, rifling through the small tower of herbs Talib had retrieved.

Marcy flopped into the grass beside Alex, worrying her lower lip. “We need something soon,” she pointed out. “We can’t just wait to be ambushed by the faculty’s traps.”

“Can they not just withdraw them?” demanded Thorne, with his first useful contribution of the day. Since Talib had punched him, he’d been sulking right at the edge of the grove, but for some reason, he hadn’t yet run off.

“Looks like they can’t,” sighed June, ripping Talib’s cloak into strips. “Or they would have done by now.”

“What if they haven’t realised?” Pointed out Nadiya.

June scoffed. “If they’re still denying something’s wrong, I’ll personally chase Cromwell out of the gates myself.”

* * *

Back in her office, Sophie shot Cromwell a meaningful look. Cromwell glared at her.

“I’m assessing the situation,” she said huffily.

“Do hurry up.” sniped Tedros from the mirror. “We’ve all finished assessing--our kids are stuck in your murder forest. Do something.”

Cromwell scowled.

* * *

“So I guess it’s a no-go. Presumably they can only be removed when we kill them.” mused Nadiya.

“Maybe we should draw all the traps here and fight them all at once, how about that for a plan?” huffed Alex.

Nadiya sat up.

“…what?” asked Marcy.

“Say that again,” Nadiya told her.

“… maybe we should draw all the traps here and fight them all at once?”

Nadiya’s eyes narrowed.

“Ohhh, no,” said Marcy. “No, no, no. There’s twenty of us. We’re a bunch of first years who can mogrify, put lights out, and meddle with the weather a bit. Unreliably, I might add. Only some of us have swords, and only Alex has a spear. We can’t--”

“Actually, that might work,” June sat up, wiping her bloody hands on her breeches, and turned to Nadiya. “What did you have in mind?”

Nadiya frowned. “Well, there can’t be that many traps in here, right? Because towards the end, the idea is that we fight each other. And some of them are intended to target either Evers or Nevers, so if we’re together, they’d be easier to fight. And getting rid of them all at the same time might be easier than just waiting to be ambushed, we can work together on it. I just wish we had some help…”

She trailed off, but several people had looked up, and a couple of Everboys had started to mutter to themselves.

“Magic would be the most effective way of fighting most things,” mused June.

“Pity we’re all a bit crap at it, then,” sulked Alex, flopping back onto a mound of moss. “Why don’t they just get us out?”

“Don’t you think they’d have done it by now, if they could?” pointed out Nadiya.

Everyone fell into a tense silence.

“Back to crazy murder death plan, then.” Sighed Alex. “Let’s make a list of what Yuba told us not to do, and then do it all.”

* * *

“They can’t do that!” gasped Cromwell. “They’ll end up dead!”

“Oh, really?” snapped Agatha. “Maybe you should go in and get them, then. Oh, wait--”

“I notice you’re not doing anything to help, your majesty!”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, let me make the day’s ride, I’ll definitely get there by sunrise!”

Sophie turned to Cromwell, sighing. “Are you sure we can’t get in?”

Cromwell wrung her hands anxiously. “Positive. I wanted to make sure they could do it on their own. I put a Siege Spell on the Forest--”

“A Siege Spell? Ida, that’s completely impenetrable until time up!”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time. I was so sure the flags would work,” muttered Cromwell.

“And yet you didn’t think to test them,” fumed Sophie, glancing in the mirror at the cluster of blue-cloaked figures stood around Nadiya and Alex. “Tricked by a first year.”

Cromwell scowled.

“At least make yourself useful and help Anemone develop an antidote for when Sora gets out.”

Cromwell didn’t even bother to argue--she stood and left quietly.

Sighing, Sophie returned to the mirror in silence.

“Can we help them at all?” Tedros asked quietly.

Sophie didn’t respond, and Tedros didn’t press, and together, the three of them stared into the mirror.

* * *

An hour later, the Trial competitors waited in tense silence.

Hunched below a tree near Sora, Talib and June, Alex watched their bonfire belch smoke and sparks into the sky, intended to lure anything fire-loving towards them. The students currently on watch paced nervously, and even the ones meant to be preparing kept shooting nervous looks around at the trees.

“It’s taking too long,” hissed June. “Why is it taking so long?”

“Maybe it won’t work and we can just sit here ‘til sunrise?” offered Alex.

“Your blind optimism is astounding,” grouched June, standing and stretching. “I think--what, Marcy?”

“Tyler. He’s still not here.”

She was right. Alex had forgotten about him, she realised, slightly guiltily. They’d seen neither sight nor sound of him since he’d left them with only a sword.

June shrugged. “Well then, we’re doing him a favour, drawing all these monsters away from him--”

“What if he’s hurt? We can’t just leave him!”

“He did a pretty good job of leaving us,” snapped June. Marcy leapt to her feet, furious--

“I’ll go and find him.” Said Talib.

Everyone looked down.

He hadn’t done much since his fight with Thorne, merely opting to sit next to Sora and ignore the filthy looks Thorne was shooting him. Nadiya had muttered to Alex that she’d got the impression he was slightly embarrassed. But now he blinked slowly up at them, as mild-mannered as ever.

“He won’t be far, I shouldn’t think. It’s quite possible he’s stumbled across us already.”

“And you’ll… go on your own?” said Nadiya tentatively. They all knew there was barely enough of them to hold their own as it was. They couldn’t afford to lose anyone else.

“Yes.” Talib said simply. He went to stand--

“No.”

Sora’s hand shot out and caught his collar, yanking him back down. “You can’t go out on your own,” coughed Sora. “You can’t.”

From his unfocused eyes and slurred speech, Alex was fairly sure he was delirious.

“I won’t be long,” Talib said reassuringly. “I’ll be careful. I promise. I’ve got my sword, look--”

“You’re not supposed to go out on your own,” Sora said, almost petulantly. “You can’t.”

“We’ve got to find Tyler, but he’s probably already close by--”

“Oh, Tyler. Tyler’s a git,” sniffed Sora. “Tyler’s made fun of you an’ Alex an’ Nadiya all year, he doesn’t deserve your help, you can’t get hurt for bleeding Tyler--Talib sit down, he doesn’t deserve your help, sit down--”

Talib’s composure was cracking rapidly, as Sora slipped in and out of incoherency, speech getting more and more muddled.

Alex felt sick.

She’d spent months listening to Sora spit sarcasm and snipes and just generally define himself with his quick wit and candour. Watching him lose his control over his words made her stomach twist.

Talib gently pried Sora’s fingers off his collar.

“You can’t,” Sora repeated miserably, back into coherency. Alex wondered whether or not it was his misery or the poison which had caused him to panic.

“Ten minutes,” said Talib softly. He took of his cloak, rolled it up, put it under Sora’s head, and turned and disappeared into the trees.

Everyone stared after him, even Thorne. Sora slumped into a defeated heap and put his arms over his face.

“Back in positions, guys,” murmured Nadiya.

Alex watched the others shuffle back, no questions asked. Nadiya was more convincing than she’d realised. She held her composure much better than Alex herself.

Instead of heading back to the bonfire, though, Alex turned and walked over to Sora.

“Oh, good,” said June before she’d opened her mouth. “Sit with him a bit, I’m going to check on the others.”

Alex stared at her. “You don’t need to che--“

“Come on, Marcy.” June hustled her across the grass towards Nadiya, leaving Alex and Sora alone.

Shaking her head, Alex looked down at him. Sora’s eyes were closed, but it was hard to tell if he was unconscious or not. Alex wasn’t sure she wanted to know. Swallowing down the tightness in her throat, she sat down next to him and rested her spear across her legs.

She sat there and watched the rest of the students shuffle and mutter and lay out more bait. It wouldn’t be long, now. She wondered how long it would take for Talib to find Thorne--

“Where’d it come from?” Sora murmured.

Alex looked down at him. His eyes were open, and he’d turned to stare at the spear in her lap.

“…the spear?”

“Mm.”

“My dad gave me a stick before I left, but he didn’t get to tell me what it did. I found it in this jacket. Guess it turns into a spear.”

“Handy,” mused Sora hoarsely. “Looks like Tedros has his moments. Or moment.”

“Do you have to be rude about my dad, right now?” Alex demanded. She was rewarded with a faint grin.

“He’s kind of an easy target.”

Alex sighed. “He’s going to have a go at me for who I’m friends with.”

* * *

“This kid has never even met me,” said Tedros petulantly, into the silence.

“Sometimes, dear heart, people don’t need to,” lashed Agatha.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Agatha and Sophie both ignored him.

Tedros sat back, scowling, and groused to himself for the next twenty minutes.

* * *

Sora smiled in a very self-satisfied sort of way, almost as if he knew the annoyance he’d caused several hundred miles away.

Then it wavered.

Immediately, Alex was on high alert.

“What’s up? Are you in pain?”

“Yes, of course I am, it doesn’t magically disappear because I was rude to your father, but it’s not that---Alex, get off.” Sora shoved her hands off him, still frowning uncomfortably.

“Well then, what?”

“You…” Sora paused. “Um, you said. You said that. Um.”

Alex blinked at him. “… said what?”

“That we were…” Sora twisted his mouth uncomfortably. “Uh. Friends.”

“WHAT,” boomed Alex, so loud that Troye, halfway across the clearing, dropped his sword.

“Shut up!” hissed Sora.

“WE’VE SPENT 22 CHAPTERS OF THIS GODFORSAKEN FANFICTION TOGETHER AND YOU ASSUMED WE WEREN’T FRIENDS?”

“Do you have volume control?” hissed Sora frantically.

* * *

  
“What’s a fanfiction?” peeped Tedros. “Is that slang for something? It’s not drugs, is it?”  
  
“Shhhh!” hissed both Agatha and Sophie at the same time.

* * *

 

“Why?” Alex hissed, sliding down to the other end of the volume scale.

“I don’t know!”

“What did I do? Was I rude? Oh, my god, did I accidentally offend you? Oh, no, Sora I didn’t mean to assume anything, did I overstep? I get like this when people are nice to me, I assume they’re my friends even if they don’t wanna be, I’m sorry--”

“You didn’t offend me!” snapped Sora, wincing slightly. “It’s fine!”

“Oh.” Alex blinked. “Why’d you worry that we weren’t friends, then?”

Sora scowled. “Dunno. We just… never outright said it.”

“I said it just now.”

“Alex,” growled Sora hoarsely.

“Okay, but that’s a dumb reason.”

“Shut up.”

“It is.”

“Shut up!”

“Why would you need me to tell you we were friends? You know everything, you should be telling me--”

“Because I’ve never had any real friends before!” Sora whisper-shrieked. “I don’t know how to do it!”

Alex’s jaw dropped open.

Sora slammed it shut, wincing as he jolted his wound.

“Watch your side!” commanded Alex.

“To hell with my side!”

“How have you never had any friends?”

“I don’t know whether you’ve noticed, Alex, but I can be really rude?”

“You’re not that rude to me.”

“Because I thought it might make you cry.”

“But you’re cool?” Alex said incredulously.

“That’s very sweet of you, Alex, but at home, they call me something which roughly translates to the rabid guard dog.”

“…what? Why?”

“Because I am the grandson of a powerful woman, and I am very rude to a lot of Ever nobility who have a lot of influence, because they’re rude to my grandmother and brother. But especially my brother.”

Alex remembered Tyler’s comment earlier. “Like--”

“Yes, like Tyler's story. I fought a couple of boys at his mother’s garden party.”

“Cool.”

Sora shot her an exasperated glance, looking pale again. “Most people expected me to go to Evil,” he admitted.

“Don’t be dumb,” Alex said. “You’re still following the Good rules. And even if you were in Evil, you’d still be my friend.”

A faint smile passed over Sora’s face.

“But you’re so emotionally constipated,” Alex lamented.

Sora’s smile vanished.

“Get some emotional prune juice,” Alex told him solemnly.

“I’ve got some. It’s the poison threatening my imminent death, all my emotions are coming out now--oh, no, Alex, don’t cry, I’m joking--”

“You’re not funny!” wailed Alex. “This is serious!”

“It’s me it’s happening to, I don’t care,” coughed Sora. “Oh, do not wipe that snot on me-- Alex you heathen--”

Someone screamed.

Alex spun to see Kia and Morgan tearing out of the trees towards them.

“GIANTS HEADING RIGHT THIS WAY, WOLVES FROM THE EAST!”

Alex whirled back to Sora as June came sprinting back towards them to collect and defend the injured students.

“Better put that spear to good use,” said Sora grimly.

“Right,” Alex staggered to her feet. “Right.”

She turned to leave--

Something occurred to her.

She turned back.

“Sora?”

“…yeah?”

“You and Nadiya are my first friends. As well.”

Sora looked at her for a minute, an odd expression on his face as Marcy and June reached him. “Well then,” he said. “Better make sure we don’t all die.”

“Your sentiments need some serious work,” groaned Alex.

“I’ll brush up when we’re not in imminent danger. Go and kick ass. I’ll see you at sunrise.”

“…right. Sunrise.”

Alex turned and stumbled towards the front line, desperately hoping that he was right, and he would still be there to see her at sunrise.  
  
She drew up beside Nadiya, watching the trees bend and warp as their assailants drew closer.

“We’re blowing up the bonfire the second the giants are close enough. Hilda’s got a spell for it, and June’s worked out how to kill any of those scorpions we get, as you know. The giants will be hard, though, we’ll need you and the Everboys, and--”

“Nadi, you’re rambling. That’s my job.”

Nadiya nodded, wide eyed. “Just…want to make sure we get this right.”

“Yeah,” Alex mumbled. “We really need to.”

The trees crashed and swayed. Alex gripped her spear. Nadiya’s fingerglow ignited.

The first of the giants burst out of the trees with a bellow that shook the earth, and the rest piled after it, tearing towards the students clustered around the fire.

“MOVE!” Hilda screamed from somewhere behind them, and they scattered in different directions. The giants, less agile, had only started to turn--

BANG.

Hilda ignited the bonfire and a plume of fire raced outwards. Alex felt the wave of heat even from where she was, and she saw flashes of light as three or four of the giants were returned to the School Master. But now there were other beasts pouring out of the trees, scorpions and centaurs and wild boars--one of June’s spells hit a scorpion and engulfed it in flames, but more kept coming.

More spells streaked past Alex, and she wheeled to see June and Morgan sprint past her, towards the giants. She saw Troye rush towards a centaur, sword swinging in a silver arc, but lost track of him. She turned to bat away a harpy and saw Marcy dragging Kia backwards, she ducked under a rearing scorpion and drove her spear into its underbelly, narrowly missing being crushed by it. No one stayed anywhere for long, and soon she could barely see her classmates’s faces in the melee, just a crush of blue cloaks and glowing fingertips--

“ALEX!” screamed Hilda, and Alex wheeled to see a huge boar bearing down on Nadiya, who, back to back with Kia, didn't notice.

Alex’s heart seized. it was too far and too risky to try and throw her spear, so, so--

Now, Alex!

With a shriek of horror, Alex stabbed her glowing fingertip in it's general direction, no spell in mind--

With a crack, the boar, seconds ago rearing in triumph, crashed to the ground in a heap.

In a…human-shaped heap?

Reverse mogrification...?

Actually, no, she did not want to unpack that now. No time.

Bewildered, Nadiya and Kia swung to her, but they were intercepted, and Alex leapt back into the melee.

But now it was all going wrong.

Troye was hunched over a bloodied Luke, struggling to pull him away from a bellowing giant, and Morgan waved her hands uselessly, fingerglow extinguished, as the scorpions lashed towards them. Someone shouted, was it Luka--?

Alex turned, and a huge giant hand caught her in the face with a sickening crunch. She staggered back and slammed into the earth, hard.

Somewhere in the distance, Sora screamed.

Gasping, Alex hunched to the ground, chest heaving. Her entire face was on fire, and it was wet, did she have a nosebleed? Maybe she had a nosebleed. Her face hurt. Had he broken her nose? Oh my god, had he broken her nose? It really hurt, she couldn't really see, it really really hurt--

“MOVE, ALEX!”

Morgan and Nadiya were there, heaving her to her feet--

Then the giant turned towards them.

The two girls froze, Alex heaving and retching and coughing up blood between them, and there were more giants, there were too many giants, where was her spear? She must have dropped it somewhe--

A bolt of red light shot past it's head, and, to Alex's amazement, Thorne darted past them, goading it, drawing it towards the trees opposite.

A bellowing sounded somewhere in the trees and the giant turned to it, leaving Thorne to sprint away.

“What’s he doing? Not another one,” Alex moaned. “We can't fight another one, not another one-”

“No,” coughed Nadiya. “No, it's not another one.” She was bleeding from a cut on her head, somewhere, but she was beaming. “It's a troll, Alex.”

“What's so good about that?” Alex damn near sobbed. “We're going to die!”

“No, Alex, look!”

Alex looked.

Alex choked.

Blundering into the clearing was a very familiar troll, with two very familiar figures sprinting after him.

“SOMEONE ELSE'LL KIDNAP HER FIRST, GO ON, FIGHT THEM!” Tyler and Talib rushed after the troll, driving him on.

“He still wants to kidnap me,” Alex heaved, suddenly filled with the inexplicable urge to laugh. “I can't believe it.”

A cheer rose from the students.

Buttercup lumbered out of the trees, bellowing his fury, and slammed into their giant. He was big, but Buttercup, moved by anger and sheer momentum, was bigger. The students scattered as the giant fell, but the monsters were too slow, too unwieldy.Together, they splintered to light, crushed by the giant, and the giant, pierced by armour and the impact of his fall, went with them.

Buttercup turned to meet the rest of the giants as the smaller monsters turned to flee. But now, the students were helping him. Alex watched Marcy rush from where she and June had stayed with the wounded and conjure vines--together, she and Hilda lashed together a giants ankles, sending it crashing into the trees and disappearing. The Evers hacked at another's ankles, the Nevers pelted it with spells, and Buttercup charged the last one head on, bulldozing it to the ground.

“Is that everything?” Gasped Alex as the crash of the giant’s fall reverberated through the forest. “Is that eve--”

She turned and her blood ran cold.

A scorpion, the last beast, scuttled towards the end of the clearing, where June was knelt with the injured. She hadn't noticed. It was too far to shout.

Alex lunged, but she staggered and Nadiya only just caught her. The two of them crashed to the ground, and the scorpion kept running, staggering on burnt legs, trail whipping in a deadly arc. Alex screamed--

A bang like a cannonblast echoed, and the beast was blasted backwards into a tree, armour crumpling and stinger snapping. It crashed to the ground and disappeared in a flash.

“That worked a bit better than I meant it to,” coughed Talib, finger burning orange. Everyone gawked at him.

Alex slumped into the grass, wheezing. There were orange streaks in the sky. She bolted up--

“Guys! Look it's--”

“GET TO THE GATE!”

Everyone spun to June, marching towards them, haggard and grim-faced.

“Sora's fading fast. If we're not at that gate the second the sun comes up, we're scuppered. Carry everyone who can't walk.”

* * *

“If we can just--”

“I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE PRESS, IDA, I AM TRYING TO MAKE SURE ONE OF OUR STUDENTS DOESN'T DIE!” said Anemone shrilly, making a surprising pace for a woman of her age. It would be sunrise any second.They'd seen the mirror, the both knew how advanced the poison was, and if Anemone didn't get to him, quickly…

But Cromwell knew that if Emma was too public about the severity of the injury, it would get out. Students would write home and the press would be all over it, their reputation would be destroyed. Her reputation would be destroyed. Cromwell could hardly bear to think of it.

They heard screams, and Anemone lengthened her stride, Cromwell bobbing desperately after her. She rushed forwards and cut her off.

“Emma, please at least try to be discreet, if we could just calm down--”

“GET OUT OF MY WAY!” barked Anemone, and as she did so, sunlight burst over the trees of the Blue Forest. Together, Castor and Pollux (for once, sharing a body), Manley, Espada and Uma forced the gates open, and a wave of students crashed out of the gap, their shrieks and screams piercing the night.

Cromwell cast a tortured glance over her shoulder.

Sophie came sprinting from Evil, snatched the antidote from Anemone, and shoved her way through the crowd, knocking Cromwell out of the way and onto the floor as she did so. Anemone and Hort rushed after her.

From the floor, Cromwell could see through the panicked mess of competitors and spectators. So she saw all the blood. And she saw her students collapsing, and she could see them crying. And Alex's nose was crooked and her eyes were black and she was crying, clutching onto her aunt's arm, the reality of their situation finally setting in, and...

Cromwell slumped into the grass, sobbing, as the rest of the teachers and students ran past her, stepped over her, in their desperation to fix her mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd say I'm sorry but I'm not lmao


End file.
